The thing right now is...

 Trust. I seem to be learning, am involved in, or hear about lessons in trust on a daily basis. It all started when I had a problem with a friend, was going to try to fix it/him, and Anaro told me that he had a bad feeling about it. He was afraid that, while I put myself out there, not worrying over my feelings because I would be focusing on my friend's, that I would be hurt. It didn't matter that this friend lives in a completely other state, that he's in his early teens, etc. Anaro was looking out for my emotions, my mental stability, my self-esteem. After a long discussion, I finally asked, "Do you want me quit talking to him?" He questioned, "If I told you 'yes', would you?" I replied that I would. He said, "Yes." True to my word, I'm not speaking to this young person, and most likely just in time. Anaro hates to feel the tiniest bit controlling, but there is a difference between controlling and caring.
The definition of trust is : Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing. Notice the word 'reliance'. A synonym of 'reliance' is dependence. Surrendering your independence is one of the hardest things to do. To not be entirely in control, to be only part of the equation, wondering if the other half will come through. ( America teaches trust, while it teaches independence. No wonder we're falling apart ;) Perhaps even harder than relying on and trusting a person, is doing the same thing with the Father. With a person, you can speak to them and hear an audible voice answer you back within seconds. Rarely does this occur when praying. With a person, you can see them act out their part, keeping the bargain, letting you know that you're in good hands. With Yahweh, you have to trust in this, even when you claim to know it. One of these situations happened that same night I had to trust Anaro, and the lessons in trust have kept coming.
With my devotion to people, my ear to their worries, my mind to their problems, it makes complete sense that I would go to college to become a psychologist or counselor, yes? I mean, I would love it. I could see people on a daily basis, cover all types of situations, and actually be paid for doing something I'm doing already. Anaro brought this up, though half in jest, during our discussion. I've thought of this occupation many a time, and have a list of pros and cons. Cons: I would be making something I love into a 'job'; I could not necessarily choose my patients; I would have to work from home (this is my goal for when I have children: stay at home mother) and who knows what kinds of people and .. vibes?.. I'd be bringing into my house; I would be alone with untrustworthy people at times; and to make any type of profit off of this, you have to have at least a bachelors degree. I do not want to go to school that long, as in the end I will be at home teaching my children, and don't need that debt for a .. 5 year career? The pros are that I would be using an obvious gift that Yahweh has blessed me with, I would be doing something I already know I'm good at, and I would be helping people (hopefully). Going through this list that night, I doubted .. again.. that I had picked the right career.
After getting off of the phone, I prayed a long while. I strove to hear Him, to receive some sort of sign or word in order to know that I was not deviating from His plan for my life by not choosing to become a counselor. I did not get anything, except tired and sad. Funny, how when you're ready to hear, it's like He's saying, "Oh, you're ready now? Well I had to wait, now it's your turn." There are countless verses in the Bible about time. 'According to the times .. ', 'At this set time...', 'And it came to pass in the process of time...'. Ecc. 8:6-7 has something great to say about time, "Because to every purpose there is time and judgment, therefore the misery of man is great upon him. For he knoweth not that which shall be: for who can tell him when it shall be?" To every purpose there is time.. And it's gonna be miserable for you to wait it out.
I got an answer the next day from someone very close to me about what to do with my new .. or renewed.. doubts. I didn't have to wait long, though I had prepared myself to trust that I would receive an answer when it was due. I heard what I needed to (and no, I'm not changing careers), and I thanked the Father for putting His people in my life, and His words in their mouths. Not all tests of trust are as quick.. and even some that are can be much harder to bear.
Ever heard of people with 'trust issues'? This usually occurs after having your trust in someone shaken, or even completely shattered. The events and situations that can do this vary, and depend on the temperament, personality, and values that the recipient of the hurt has. It could be that what they expected of someone wasn't delivered, it could be that someone abandoned them, it could be that someone very close to them lied, etc. I have not been hurt in this way very deeply or very often, and I am quite thankful. However, I have gone through situations where I've been hurt and disappointed and confused by someone I allowed to get close to me. The result of this happening is what I think we refer to as a 'defense mechanism'. When someone starts going down a path that I was hurt or betrayed on, I throw up walls. Other people do this in similar ways, by avoiding that person, not talking about it, or by not being truthful with people that are becoming close to them. With so many people afraid to trust others, afraid to let others see them, it's bound to happen that someone you are close to, that you have let in, hasn't quite let you in yet. This may be the ultimate blow; finding that someone you trust completely didn't trust you enough to let you see them, that they have been throwing up walls to keep you out. I experienced this in one night.
It's a process. You are hurt, confused, you cry. In my case, I should have been angry, but I wasn't. I understood the reasoning, and with anyone else I would have accepted it and continued to be the best friend I could be until they invited me in. The big problem was that I had always believed them beyond a doubt, and, though I understood, I was shaken. Thinking that I knew them, that they had let me in, only to be deceived? Going through all of the questions, whirling through the discussions you've had that may have not been true, coming to a stop where you have to decide. Due to circumstances, I had to decide faster than I perhaps would have; I was leaving the next day, and I wanted this done, I wanted to get through.
3 choices were presented to me by my logical side: 1. I could leave this person, or take a break to sort things through. 2. I could continue to stick to them, though doubting everything, never knowing. 3. I could stay, and believe, though honestly admitting that I would have doubts for a while. For the first, I only counted it because this close friend, upon admitting their past defenses to me, was afraid I'd leave. I honestly wouldn't have even considered it. The second is illogical; to stay with someone you won't allow yourself to trust, to continue to let yourself doubt them and your relationship. The last solution, then, is what I came to, and I have followed. It's work for both of us, yes, but in the end we will be much stronger. "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough."
What I've come to find from all of these examples lately, these wonderful lessons the Father has deemed to bless me with, is that there are several parts to trust. Blind belief, of sorts, coming from what you know of someone. Dependence, surrendering your worries and cares, allowing someone to care for you. Patience, obviously, as you aren't in control and you have to wait on the one/One that is. The last, the biggest, is understanding. Understanding all of the other components, understanding who it is you're trusting, realizing your part in the equation, recognizing that sometimes there are fails in the system. What you do when that happens is the ultimate show of trust.
"If you say you can trust someone then you are admitting to something even greater than love. Trust involves all of your thoughts and emotions, to be given to someone for them to have. Trusting someone is knowing that you can be hurt. This is why trust is a word of great power." Greater than love. You can love someone and not believe them, not let them in. They are behind you, or to the side for you to care for, for them to care for you. Trust someone, and they are beside you, they are with you, and you are with them. 

A New Position

Anaro, my best friend and potential .. mm.. caller?.. , recently moved from Grand Ledge to an apartment 15 minutes away from me. Since then, he has had three jobs in my glorious city. (So much for people saying the economy is so bad that there isn't any work) Presently, he works at an electric company.. and Wal-mart. Before working there, it was the only store he would shop at, even though he admitted it's the hick version of Meijer (at least ours is). Let's just say that now.. there isn't any love in this relationship, for many a good reason. That's how it usually seems to go; you work at McDonald's, and you will no longer eat there. I work at a library, where there will be an ice-cream event next week on a day I don't come in.. despite my love of ice-cream, I won't be coming in. It's the natural order of things.
For the well-being of this post, I've asked Anaro to narrow down his reasons for why he hates working at Wal-mart to just 5. Why 5? Mm... Actually, I don't have a good answer for that. I could have just done 3. Anyway, reason 1 is that he didn't receive any training. They kind of hand you the equipment, point you in the general direction of where you're supposed to go, pat you on the back, and say, "Good luck, soldier." You may think that working at Wal-mart doesn't require much training. Think again. If there is an enemy out there.. it's based at Wal-mart. We need to defeat this enemy. How are we supposed to do that without training? Luckily, only the sturdy are hired at Wal-mart. Tattooed, pierced, long hair, some even missing teeth. (Not to worry, none of the adjectives in the previous sentence fit Anaro) These are our soldiers. Be proud, fellow Americans, be proud.
Reason number 2 is the odd rules these soldiers are placed under. In the barracks, during the small moments of time they aren't fighting the deadliest of battles with whole families of whirling amigos, they are not allowed to drink just anything. In the interest of these good men and women, there is a rule saying they may not drink anything other than the water provided in a plastic jug, using 4 ounce cone cups. This water contains what are commonly known as floaters at the top of it.. It is not appetizing. I'm sure there is a darn good secret reason for this, such as testing the endurance of the soldiers, ciphering out those with weak stomachs and the traitors that bring their own beverages. However... really? They do so much for us already, I believe they are entitled to at least 10 ounce regular shaped cups to drink the stuff with.
As a soldier, you never know when you will be called in to duty. Never. The hours vary and fluctuate, with no semblance of a pattern, which is reason numero 3 (or tres). The shifts of fighting will be 9 hours one week, and then anywhere from 4 to 6 the next. Going through all of this, to almost top it off, is the heaviest argument that reason #4 shouldn't exist: low pay. Yes, you read that correctly (or at least I hope you did ). They are paid $7.40 an hour. No normal cups, no tea, no coffee, no clean water, and whirling amigos to deal with.. and the man pays $7.40 an hour. That is just sad.

I hope this post isn't too long already, because now we come to reason number 5, which was the original reason I intended to write of. This reason was imparted to me last week on Friday, receiving a text from Anaro while he was resting in the barracks. This is how it went: Me, "Hey :) I'm sorry I didn't text earlier, I was kinda busy and running all over, but work has slowed so I've got time :) I hope your day is going well, and that you can keep going. I'll see you later today and I absolutely can't wait :)" (Yes, I know how mushy that sounds) His reply, "No worries. I just started lunch. And my gay manager has the hots for me." I texted back, "... Umm," and then called him. It turned out that while Anaro was being spoken to by his general, he stopped in the middle of a sentence, staring at Anaro's open collared shirt, and said, "che... mm, I forgot what I was going to say." Anaro quickly closed his shirt, and then buttoned it after leaving sir general's presence. ... Anaro is a manly-man, and he does not shave his chest hair off and away as most young men do these days (Why do they do that?!), so I know perfectly well why sir general was distracted. However, I was still slightly shocked. In fact, even though I called him, after saying first thing, "Are you serious?," I could say no more. Later that day, I asked over the phone, "Any more incidents?" He replied, "No.. although he did call me 'Anaro, my bro'." 
Now, I want to say that I am in no way writing of this to say negative things about homosexuals/homosexuality. I have nothing against them, other than that I don't quite get how people think a couple is a couple even though they can't naturally produce babies, and that there are a few verses in the Bible that speak of such acts in a negative way. I am religious, therefor I don't plan on becoming a lesbian, but I have had friends who are. If they want to hear my views, I speak them, other than that.. it's their business. Also, I don't know enough about the 'Don't ask, don't tell' policy to say anything about it. .. Except that.
Alright, now that we have that out of the way, what I wish to express in this post is my complete lack of knowing what to do in my situation. I've had competition in the form of other girls, sure.. but not generally in any guys. I know, I know that Anaro does not view sir general as competition for me... in fact, Anaro would wish to not view sir general at all (it's a rather awkward situation, you may have guessed). However, if the shoes were on the other feet, and my supervisor had 'the hots', as Anaro says, for me, then Anaro would be over at the library as often as he could to send home the message that I'm not available for that type of supervision. As a girl, I've never had to do that. Even with other girls, I haven't ever really competed in the way a lot of young women have. So what's a girl to do when her best friend is being eyed by the sir general of Wal-mart? 
I could go over and beat him up... except that, as a general rule, I'm against violence. This isn't self-defense.. this is keeping a hold of a good thing. Defending Anaro. Does he need defending? Probably not..  I could do what he would do and be at Wal-mart most days of the week, hanging around Anaro and being seen by sir general enough to let him know to keep his eyes off the hair; that there is no point in pursuing, so why bother. I could write him death threats, .. and land myself in juvie. I've heard it's not quite as bad as the Wal-mart barracks. Honestly, I've thought quite a while about this new position I'm in. I've gone over ways to kidnap and/or murder sir general. I've cooked up schemes to get him sent overseas to supervise the building of a new Wal-mart in Pakistan. Yes, I've even thought of services to swing him from sir general to SIR general. None have passed the rational, logical, realistic half of me. 
In the end, with where I've been placed in this uncharted territory, I've come to the conclusion that... it's downright hilarious that Anaro has a sir general with an attraction to him, and you know what... I think I'll keep doing what comes naturally: laugh a lot, and make fun of him. Of course, I do hope that sir general does not abuse his authority (though then Anaro would have a lawsuit against him and gain thousands of dollars), and I do feel sorry for him for every reason mentioned in this post. But honestly... how many times in one's life are they placed in a position to make fun of someone they are attached to for receiving puppy love by a manager of the same sex? Yes, indeed, I laugh and say, ".. Office affair anyone?"