Saturday, July 21, 2012

Questions and Answers, I Have for You- from Chapter 7

Question 1. Can you recall a time your soul cried out to bond with a higher reality? What stimulated that yearning?
There have been several times where I have cried out to the Father, either in my mind or with words from my lips. Most of the time it is in prayer for another person, crying out with questions as to why He has not healed them yet, or fixed their financial problems, or why He is letting (more) bad things happen to them. Other times it is for my protection, and that is stimulated from fear. In the car, in the dark, in a crowded place. The rest of the times are during worship, when my whole being longs to be closer. To see. Just to feel His presence. However, times when my soul cried out to bond with Him? Those are probably all during worship, and in giving thankful prayers. I love to give thankful prayers. Those are most likely the ones that help me feel closest. When you are happy, and giving Him all the reasons for your happiness because He is the One that made the feeling of happiness possible... Those are wonderful prayers.

Question 2. Can you identify the different characters you have played in your life? Which of those characters no longer exist?
This question made me think of preteen and teenage years. You change your character so often in those years, sometimes you forget who you played and are embarrassed when someone reminds you. We tend to call them 'phases', but that's only after we are out of them and realize how ridiculous they were. Why do we change who we are so often in those years? Those are the years of growth, that's why. You experiment, seeing which character you will play the rest of your life, or a good portion of it. So please, don't make fun of teenagers because of their constant changes. Help them choose the right ones.
Now, my memory when it comes to my younger years (because I'm so old) is not to be relied upon. I know what happened, most of the time, but I don't remember when. So I will not associate any character with a year of my life unless I truly know beyond a doubt that I'm speaking accurately.
In the youngest years that I could actually have a character, I was a thinker, a reader, someone grasping at loose-ended thoughts and ideas. I don't remember if I told you this before or not, so forgive me if I have. When I was still to enter into my preteen years, I was outside and the leaves were falling from a giant tree we had in our backyard that has since been cut down. All of the leaves falling to the ground was not beautiful to me then, for I thought it looked like the tree was dying. Then I thought of all the people in the world, and how each leaf could represent a person dying. In my child's mind, I told myself that I would save them. That if I could save a leaf from touching the ground, I was saving a person from dying. I tried and tried, but the wind got more rambunctious and I couldn't keep up. I ran around, and then realized it was pointless, and I sat down on the ground and cried. At some later point, either that day or that week, I went to my dad and asked him why so many people had to die. He told me to think of the other side; instead of focusing on all the deaths every day, focus on all the lives being brought into the world every day.
After that, I was a tomboy. Don't ask why, because I haven't been since. I wore ripped jeans, big T-shirts and a bucket hat (... yeah), and gained many scratches that turned into scars for me later. I rode my bike all over the yard, climbed trees, I argued more with neighbor kids, and I .... I.... I spit. Enough of this phase....
There was a week or so long phase consisting of black clothes, hair always down with half of it in my face, pale skin, and a chain on my pants. I left most of that, but kept the hair style for a while. My mom hated it, saying I was shutting out half the world, or something like that. I don't know what I was doing, perhaps just trying to look mysterious, but because I didn't listen to her, I was also doing it out of rebellion.
After that, I don't remember many distinct phases. They all start to blend together in various ways. I know I became more dramatic in my personality for a while in my teen years. Those were not good times. I went through a period of depression and anger, all against my family. There were some changes going on all at once, and I didn't like how they affected my role in the family. That is when I started to write poetry. Of course, all of it was dark and angry, but well written anyway. I told my parents of my depression after a while, and they helped me realize that I was thinking selfishly, often blindly. I opened up more and more, letting people in and realizing that not everyone was my enemy, and have not dealt with depression since.
Unfortunately, after that, I played a girlfriend lost in her man and what he wanted. I had been pretty confident, pretty sure of what I wanted and who I was, and with one emotion it all left me. I will just title that phase as 'confused.' I again became angry at some members of my family, I felt I needed things that I didn't have, that I deserved more respect, more privacy, etc. That I was 18. An adult. After he and I split, I regained who I was, but with more wisdom. It was a necessary process. All you can do is learn, yes?
And here I am. A person of some little experience, a wonderful family, supportive friends, and in love without losing myself. Again, changes are necessary. We weed out who we want to be from what we don't want to see in the mirror. It is a process. Just realize that most phases are not kept. We won't always play that character. Just guide us into a new one.

Question 3. Can you recall times when you felt you were a vehicle for Hashem?
Wow. I will tone that down into just blessing people. I feel too presumptuous thinking of myself as a vehicle for Him. It actually kind of scares me to try to think of one. I'm 20. Maybe later.
I know I have blessed people with my words. I am an advice giver, an encourager. I love to share what is being done in me, I love to share my realizations and lessons learned. Just sharing can teach, you know.
I am told that I bless people with my music, or, rather, the music that I play. I have not written any piece of music (I really wish I had that gift). In fact, just a few weeks ago I was at a youth gathering of the Messianic/Sacred Namer/Old Testament believers, and the youth were doing the service. I had been asked beforehand to play the piano, so I did, shaking the whole time. I need to learn to control my muscles when I'm nervous, because it's getting to be ridiculous. Anyway, I was told 'thank you' by many people later, and one lady actually told me that while I was playing, she saw Yahweh's eye, closed, and then opening with rays of light that shone on me. I honestly didn't know what to say, so I only responded with thanking her. I had not heard anything like that before.
At work, I'm learning more and more that I bless people with a happy countenance. Many patrons come to me saying that half of the reason they come to this library is to see me smile and to talk to me, because (according to them) I'm so sweet. Most of those people are elderly, and I love to see how they leave smiling.
Other than that.. I am not sure. I know I've been told things before from a person who said I blessed them, but I honestly don't remember. Perhaps that's a good thing; I wouldn't want my head to get big. I already feel as if I'm tooting my own horn. However, I wish to say that if you are blessed by someone, let that person know. You bless them in return.

Question 4. Can you think of a person you dislike? What do you dislike about him or her? Can you distinguish that individual's persona from his or her essence?
Yikes. This is too dangerous for the internet, so I will not even go there in this post. Not because there are so many people I dislike, I can honestly only think of two at the moment. I will, however, continue this exercise when I encounter a persona I don't particularly adore. Looking at their essence will help to dissolve anger.

Question 5. Can you think of people you love for themselves and not for their personas?
Of course! I am a sucker for people stuck in their character, when they should move to a new one that fits their soul more. Why? Maybe I want to help, maybe I want to be there when it happens, who knows. All I know, is that I constantly say of those people that, 'they have so much potential!' It saddens me to see them, because I know they know they are trapped in someone they don't want to be, doing something they don't want to do. I suppose that I truly do want to help them, because I encourage them as much as I can. Often, though, I can become frustrated with them, because to me it's so easy, what they have to do, and they aren't doing it. With close friends that are like that, I think I yell more than I encourage softly. Thus, these people are a test for me. To become the encourager and person they need, and not to become wrapped up in who I want them to be so badly that I lose my love for them and gain only frustration. Of late, I was so frustrated with a close friend of mine that I wasn't even able to talk to her without faking my expressions. I realized recently that I need to let go of judgment in order to help more, to listen more. Because a person does not want to talk to another one that is tallying them up against who they think they should be. This is a large fault of mine, judging. A judge cannot be a friend.

To end, I want to share that it is important to help a person reach a potential, yes, but it is also important to listen to those who are trying to tell you. I am at fault in this area too, thinking I am 'all good', and will teach myself. Yahweh put people in your life for a reason, some for you to build up, some to build you up. This process is so lovely. The author says, "I need to be beyond my ego and to see beyond your persona. Then I can love you and help you go beyond your persona, too. Then we can work together to fix and improve the characters we are each playing, and thereby mend the broken vessels to receive the light of love-- the Endless Light of Hashem." Bless, and be blessed.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

How Many of You Can There Be? - Chapter 7

Ah, how I love to be back here typing away. Especially when I have such a chapter as this to share.

"How many times have you heard a person say, 'I don't like myself.'? What does that mean? How do you not like yourself? How can you be both the subject and the object of the sentence? Who is the you that doesn't like yourself? .... we all know on some level that there is the me that is the body and the personality, and then there is some higher level of consciousness that is distinct but has a relationship with the body and personality. For example, we all talk to ourselves. When you do that, whom are you talking to? You know that you are not 2 people. There is one you, and yet within your oneness there is an internal relationship between these parts you call 'me', 'myself'', and 'I'. So I can talk to myself. I can think to myself. I can dislike myself. I can look for myself."

If you are like me, then you've often tried to better yourself. You see the person 'inside' that you want to be on the outside, and you become closer to yourself. You find areas that need improvement, and develop a way to fix them. But how do I do this? Can a flower look at itself and say, "I need to grow,"? Can one thing see itself AND fix itself? It seems like a lot is going on there for one person. People say you need to 'remove yourself from the situation/picture/problem/etc.' in order to solve it. So you step back from yourself to look at yourself? ...Isn't that physically impossible? Perhaps if there were a mirror involved, or... I don't know. In any case, there is a beautiful explanation that doesn't involve mirrors.

Explanation: There is me- the character I play. That is the ego- thoughts and feelings clothing a persona- and the body with it's physical sensations. Then there is my self- the soul. This is the spark of Hashem. This is the conscious self, the knower, the experiencor, the actor who plays the character. And then there is the I- the Great Self, the Soul of Souls, Hashem. Of course, when I say 'I am' it is not Hashem, the Great I, speaking. It is probably the self, the soul, speaking, which is a spark of the Great I. But chances also are it's just me, my ego, speaking.

So there you have it. There are three of you! Or three parts that make up who you are. Either way, there is a lot more of you than meets the eye; but you always knew that, didn't you?
So when you step back from you, you should say, 'Myself has stepped away from me.' Yikes... nevermind, don't say that. Horrible grammar, and you might sound crazy. But I think you get the idea.
The person that is telling yourself to improve is your soul. Easy enough to believe, yes? The part of you that is being told off is your ego, which is also easy to see. That darn ego. And the reason you can do this is because you, the character, realize that there is an actor, yourself, your soul. If a person cannot see the separation of actor and character, what happens? Well, they get too involved in the play that they forget who they really are, and end up like Heath Ledger and the Joker. (That is an extreme example, I know, but it is still a valid one). If you are so wrapped up in who you are playing that your soul, the actor, gets lost or thrown aside, then there is no fixing you. There is no part to step away and look at the other part of you and say, "Look buddy! This body is big enough for the two of us!" On a more serious note: not only can you not see yourself if the soul is lost in the ego, but you cannot experience the fire your spark came from.

An analogy: Let's say you see a man running down the street wearing a blue uniform with a badge. You would be safe to assume that he is a policeman. The garment indicates the role he is playing, but not who he is. He might go home, put on some sweat pants, and go running again. Now, he is an athlete. Your garment is never your essence. The clothes you wear are not you, they are on you. Similarly, your character is not you. So you must never confuse the two.

I like this part, because it shows that there is not one role you are playing (unless you are very lucky). You know when you see someone act one way in a setting and a different way in another? Most people call that two-faced, yes? I would like to agree. But not in the same negative emotion others have when they say one is two-faced. And I would also like to ask a question: are you the same way in an interview for the job you have always wanted as you are at your 21'st birthday bash? I would think not. Is that wrong? NO! You are you in both places, just putting to the forefront different aspects of who you are! Because we all play different roles, even with one character. I am not the same at work as I am at home. I am not the same at home as I am at an assembley. I am not the same at an assembley as I am at a recital I'm performing at. I am not the same at a recital as I am when I am with Aaron. I am not the same with Aaron as I am with any other man on earth. ( I just realized that ) And I shouldn't be. If I were the same all the time any place ever... I can bet I would not be liked in every setting. And what is amazing is how the character can do all of this and keep its sanity. Know how? Only because the character and the actor are separated. You must have your soul.

A story: Hashem told Abraham, "Go forth from your country, from your birthplace, and from your father's house, to a land that I will show you. I will make you into a great nation, I will bless you and make you great." What was Hashem really asking Abraham to do? The Hebrew text is very specific; however, most translations miss the point. Hashem told Abraham, "lech lecha," which literally translates as, "go to yourself." But how can you tell a man such a thing when you are also telling him to leave his country, his birthplace, and his parents' home? Are these not the basic foundations of his identity? Is he not a Mesopotamian, a citizen of Haran, the son of Terah? The answer is yes. But Hashem was asking him to make a spiritual journey toward a new identity. This is clear from the order of instructions. To start on a physical journey, Abraham would logically first leave his father's house, then his birthplace, and then his country, but the order is reversed. That is because this is a journey in search of a new identity, and therefore the sequence of departure was given in the order of psychological difficulty of severing attachments. Abraham had to let go of all that was familiar and reach a new identity based on his identification with Hashem.

"In Kabbalah, ego consciousness is a state called klipah, literally meaning 'hard shell'. You become encased in a hard shell that separates you from the Divine I."        The author uses the example of a pianist, which I can relate to: if you are a pianist who is ego conscious, and you have a feeling when you are onstage that "there is the audience, there is me, this is my piano, and this is my music," then it will never come together. You have to crack open that shell and let go. You have to become the music and let the Great Musician play through you, whether you admit it publicly or not. So the joy, the ecstasy of a person in a creative moment is really this strange kind of I-consciousness, rather than ego consciousness or self-consciousness. This experience resembles what the Kabbalah refers to as become a merkava, which literally means 'chariot'. You feel like a vehicle for a higher spirit and you are humbled and grateful, not haughty or arrogant.

You need your soul to hear from your Creator, to feel your Creator, to be close to your Creator. You also need your soul to relate to the souls of others. With only an ego, you have no sympathy, certainly not any empathy. With only an ego, you cannot relate to, understand, perhaps even be kind to the souls of others, because you will not see them. You will see their egos, and you will both have a wonderful relationship of personas. With a soul that is connected to your Creator, your relationships with others are changed. I've seen and experienced this myself every time I go through a 'time to fix this'. I treat my family differently, I respond to events differently, I open up to and listen to others, because my soul is in tune with where it came from; because I care. 'Love your neighbor as yourself' is not just about the recipient. If you do not love yourself, you cannot love the self in someone else. (Remember that 'self' is soul)

Now, how this affects your most personal, prized, intimate relationship is huuuuuuge.
A quote: most people believe in a soul connection. However, when they start looking for love, they often confuse the persona with the soul and get trapped in a kind of shopping mode, looking for what a person has rather than who a person is.
THE question: are you looking for a persona partner, or a soul mate?
Advice: Lists can sometimes get in the way of meeting your soul mate. If you list the characteristics of the person you think you could love, then when you meet a person who seems to fit your description, you will love those characteristics, not the soul. We all want to be loved for who we are, even if we ourselves are not certain who we are. And so we seek reassurances, "Why do you love me?" we ask, "what is the reason?"

Now, I am not against lists when it comes to the very fundamental things. Like, I would not be with a man who is not a believer, and, more importantly, a doer. There are also goals that must match, such as wanting a family. BUT, taken too far, lists can be detrimental to the searching process. I have witnessed this. I know a man (not naming names), who is a bachelor because girls are too tall, too short, too talkative, too shy, too, too, too, too! I know another person who is in a relationship with a tall, dark, and handsome Christian man... who she knew approximately 8 days before they decided to be together. On the other side of the advice above, I know someone else who has been in serious relationships perhaps 3 or 4 times, lived with girls, etc., and is still unmarried. He has currently been with the same girl for over 2 years. They work together, they live together, and she wants to be married. His answer? He still wants to get to know her, he wants to figure everything out first. He wants to know all the whys, all the hows. He still, at 30something, needs reassurance. He still is not sure of who he is or what he wants.

It is a difficult thing, this relationship. What is even more difficult is the reason behind the relationship. I LOVE the answer the author's wife gave him when he asked her why she loved him, "There is no reason why I love you. If there was, I would be in love with the reason, not you."

My conclusion to this post is a hard one, because we just covered so much, and then the author threw the whole love and relationships thing in there so that it's even harder to wrap it all up in a neat, little package. I mean, we just learned that there are three parts of us in one body, which is hard enough to have a conclusion to, and now I have to work in other things!
Thankfully, I think you get the whole point. The point is that there are many points. There is the point of the character, the ego: without which, the soul would have nothing to better, and no reason to be. There is the point of the soul: to better the character, to love the souls of others and see past the egos. There is the point of the Divine I (and just the point covered in this post!): the soul would not exist, the spark needs a fire to come from. And there is the point of throwing in the love thing: because all three parts of you must be involved to have a working, wonderful relationship with anyone.


And after all of that, the questions and answers to this chapter will come at a later date.