Question 1. Can you recall a time your soul cried out to bond with a higher reality? What stimulated that yearning?
There have been several times where I have cried out to the Father, either in my mind or with words from my lips. Most of the time it is in prayer for another person, crying out with questions as to why He has not healed them yet, or fixed their financial problems, or why He is letting (more) bad things happen to them. Other times it is for my protection, and that is stimulated from fear. In the car, in the dark, in a crowded place. The rest of the times are during worship, when my whole being longs to be closer. To see. Just to feel His presence. However, times when my soul cried out to bond with Him? Those are probably all during worship, and in giving thankful prayers. I love to give thankful prayers. Those are most likely the ones that help me feel closest. When you are happy, and giving Him all the reasons for your happiness because He is the One that made the feeling of happiness possible... Those are wonderful prayers.
Question 2. Can you identify the different characters you have played in your life? Which of those characters no longer exist?
This question made me think of preteen and teenage years. You change your character so often in those years, sometimes you forget who you played and are embarrassed when someone reminds you. We tend to call them 'phases', but that's only after we are out of them and realize how ridiculous they were. Why do we change who we are so often in those years? Those are the years of growth, that's why. You experiment, seeing which character you will play the rest of your life, or a good portion of it. So please, don't make fun of teenagers because of their constant changes. Help them choose the right ones.
Now, my memory when it comes to my younger years (because I'm so old) is not to be relied upon. I know what happened, most of the time, but I don't remember when. So I will not associate any character with a year of my life unless I truly know beyond a doubt that I'm speaking accurately.
In the youngest years that I could actually have a character, I was a thinker, a reader, someone grasping at loose-ended thoughts and ideas. I don't remember if I told you this before or not, so forgive me if I have. When I was still to enter into my preteen years, I was outside and the leaves were falling from a giant tree we had in our backyard that has since been cut down. All of the leaves falling to the ground was not beautiful to me then, for I thought it looked like the tree was dying. Then I thought of all the people in the world, and how each leaf could represent a person dying. In my child's mind, I told myself that I would save them. That if I could save a leaf from touching the ground, I was saving a person from dying. I tried and tried, but the wind got more rambunctious and I couldn't keep up. I ran around, and then realized it was pointless, and I sat down on the ground and cried. At some later point, either that day or that week, I went to my dad and asked him why so many people had to die. He told me to think of the other side; instead of focusing on all the deaths every day, focus on all the lives being brought into the world every day.
After that, I was a tomboy. Don't ask why, because I haven't been since. I wore ripped jeans, big T-shirts and a bucket hat (... yeah), and gained many scratches that turned into scars for me later. I rode my bike all over the yard, climbed trees, I argued more with neighbor kids, and I .... I.... I spit. Enough of this phase....
There was a week or so long phase consisting of black clothes, hair always down with half of it in my face, pale skin, and a chain on my pants. I left most of that, but kept the hair style for a while. My mom hated it, saying I was shutting out half the world, or something like that. I don't know what I was doing, perhaps just trying to look mysterious, but because I didn't listen to her, I was also doing it out of rebellion.
After that, I don't remember many distinct phases. They all start to blend together in various ways. I know I became more dramatic in my personality for a while in my teen years. Those were not good times. I went through a period of depression and anger, all against my family. There were some changes going on all at once, and I didn't like how they affected my role in the family. That is when I started to write poetry. Of course, all of it was dark and angry, but well written anyway. I told my parents of my depression after a while, and they helped me realize that I was thinking selfishly, often blindly. I opened up more and more, letting people in and realizing that not everyone was my enemy, and have not dealt with depression since.
Unfortunately, after that, I played a girlfriend lost in her man and what he wanted. I had been pretty confident, pretty sure of what I wanted and who I was, and with one emotion it all left me. I will just title that phase as 'confused.' I again became angry at some members of my family, I felt I needed things that I didn't have, that I deserved more respect, more privacy, etc. That I was 18. An adult. After he and I split, I regained who I was, but with more wisdom. It was a necessary process. All you can do is learn, yes?
And here I am. A person of some little experience, a wonderful family, supportive friends, and in love without losing myself. Again, changes are necessary. We weed out who we want to be from what we don't want to see in the mirror. It is a process. Just realize that most phases are not kept. We won't always play that character. Just guide us into a new one.
Question 3. Can you recall times when you felt you were a vehicle for Hashem?
Wow. I will tone that down into just blessing people. I feel too presumptuous thinking of myself as a vehicle for Him. It actually kind of scares me to try to think of one. I'm 20. Maybe later.
I know I have blessed people with my words. I am an advice giver, an encourager. I love to share what is being done in me, I love to share my realizations and lessons learned. Just sharing can teach, you know.
I am told that I bless people with my music, or, rather, the music that I play. I have not written any piece of music (I really wish I had that gift). In fact, just a few weeks ago I was at a youth gathering of the Messianic/Sacred Namer/Old Testament believers, and the youth were doing the service. I had been asked beforehand to play the piano, so I did, shaking the whole time. I need to learn to control my muscles when I'm nervous, because it's getting to be ridiculous. Anyway, I was told 'thank you' by many people later, and one lady actually told me that while I was playing, she saw Yahweh's eye, closed, and then opening with rays of light that shone on me. I honestly didn't know what to say, so I only responded with thanking her. I had not heard anything like that before.
At work, I'm learning more and more that I bless people with a happy countenance. Many patrons come to me saying that half of the reason they come to this library is to see me smile and to talk to me, because (according to them) I'm so sweet. Most of those people are elderly, and I love to see how they leave smiling.
Other than that.. I am not sure. I know I've been told things before from a person who said I blessed them, but I honestly don't remember. Perhaps that's a good thing; I wouldn't want my head to get big. I already feel as if I'm tooting my own horn. However, I wish to say that if you are blessed by someone, let that person know. You bless them in return.
Question 4. Can you think of a person you dislike? What do you dislike about him or her? Can you distinguish that individual's persona from his or her essence?
Yikes. This is too dangerous for the internet, so I will not even go there in this post. Not because there are so many people I dislike, I can honestly only think of two at the moment. I will, however, continue this exercise when I encounter a persona I don't particularly adore. Looking at their essence will help to dissolve anger.
Question 5. Can you think of people you love for themselves and not for their personas?
Of course! I am a sucker for people stuck in their character, when they should move to a new one that fits their soul more. Why? Maybe I want to help, maybe I want to be there when it happens, who knows. All I know, is that I constantly say of those people that, 'they have so much potential!' It saddens me to see them, because I know they know they are trapped in someone they don't want to be, doing something they don't want to do. I suppose that I truly do want to help them, because I encourage them as much as I can. Often, though, I can become frustrated with them, because to me it's so easy, what they have to do, and they aren't doing it. With close friends that are like that, I think I yell more than I encourage softly. Thus, these people are a test for me. To become the encourager and person they need, and not to become wrapped up in who I want them to be so badly that I lose my love for them and gain only frustration. Of late, I was so frustrated with a close friend of mine that I wasn't even able to talk to her without faking my expressions. I realized recently that I need to let go of judgment in order to help more, to listen more. Because a person does not want to talk to another one that is tallying them up against who they think they should be. This is a large fault of mine, judging. A judge cannot be a friend.
To end, I want to share that it is important to help a person reach a potential, yes, but it is also important to listen to those who are trying to tell you. I am at fault in this area too, thinking I am 'all good', and will teach myself. Yahweh put people in your life for a reason, some for you to build up, some to build you up. This process is so lovely. The author says, "I need to be beyond my ego and to see beyond your persona. Then I can love you and help you go beyond your persona, too. Then we can work together to fix and improve the characters we are each playing, and thereby mend the broken vessels to receive the light of love-- the Endless Light of Hashem." Bless, and be blessed.
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