I recently ended my first semester of college, doing well in all of my classes and making the Dean's list. Prior to college, I was homeschooled my entire life. I'm not one of those that fears the outside world; I've done plenty of extracurricular stuff to well acquaint myself with the diversity of human beings this earth possesses. I'm one of those that fears the inside world; I fear failure.
I conquered that fear of failure in respect to school by succeeding in every class I was in. Then, those tasks were assigned to me, and I to them. I sat down to homework with a vengeance. I jumped in with two feet, starting school, proving to myself that I am plenty capable. Capable of tackling tasks created for me by someone else.
Lately, I've been waking up around 7 or so every morning, with this big pit in my stomach and a huge pain in my head. I've been worrying again. Yes, I admit it, I really do worry over silly things sometimes, over-thinking and over-analyzing all over the place. However, I usually know what I'm worried about. This past half-week I haven't. I was frustrated with myself, telling myself there is nothing to worry about because I'm not doing anything but going to work 4 times a week. In fact, since school ended, I've been so bored that I considered registering for summer classes. My mind needs to be occupied, and not with some un-named anxiety. Stress is not a good thing to have on my emotions list.
Last night while talking to my best friend, I was telling him of my boredom and trying to figure out what was bugging me and why. He's used to me being worried over things, though he doesn't like it, so he was struggling along by my side to find this unsettling fact. Asking me a few questions in hopes of narrowing it down, with me replying in the negative to all of them, he sighed and gave up for a few seconds. In that space of time, I inhaled, held it, and blew it out slowly, trying my best to not get angry at him because I was frustrated with myself. In that space of time, I felt vulnerable. I grabbed onto that, and told him, "I think I'm afraid." "Of what?," he asked. I was quiet, thinking of all that I'd done recently, then thinking of what was coming next. "What are you afraid of?," he asked again. I laughed slightly and replied, "Growing up."
I turned 19 in March, I have two jobs and a beat up jimmy, I just picked a major for school, I know who my friends are and who my real friends are, and I know where to go for advice. I have a base, I have a foundation. I still feel that little prior to now has prepared me for what is coming in the next 2-3 years. I have a rough plan for my life, a plan that I'm happy with and excited about. There is a wide open space in front of me, blank and untouched. I haven't made a ripple, or at least I don't feel I have. With this space, I don't know where to start. What steps do I take first, how do I know they are the right ones, am I ready, can I do it? Will I fail?
I have to create my own tasks now. I've never been too great at starting something of my own and finishing it. I begin with a bang and I fizzle out. This time though, it isn't some small project we're talking about. It's a big chunk of me. Now is the time I become who I'm going to be for the rest of my life. After a few years, it will be harder and harder to change. After another few, it will be well nigh impossible. And after that, you're stuck. I don't want to be stuck.
I have hopes of getting a third job in the near future, something I'm going to work at, not expecting it to just fall in my lap like the others. I have a session early next week where I'll register for fall classes and make my major official on paper. My four month anniversary is coming up next Wednesday (laugh if you will, I know it's short ;). Perhaps I have started and haven't yet seen the outcome. In any case, the choices I will be making will have impact, an impact I have high hopes will be positive. Failing at life is not an option. What do I do with this fear? Let it debilitate me, paralyze me, stop me? No. Do I forget the fear, put it out of my mind, ignore it? No. Just because you don't have to worry doesn't mean you shouldn't care. Do I ask others what they think, relying on their confidence in me? No. You can't value yourself by what others think of you, but only by what you know of yourself. What do I know? That this fear can push me, but I can direct where to.
No comments:
Post a Comment