These are the people close to me. These are the people that made me. Part 3

I wasn't part of the gang. I wasn't part of the adventure. The only way I would be involved is if I happened to be there or if someone came to me for advice about their big adventure. It happened that way for my road as well. Instead, not necessarily saying I flew solo, it was as if I had a back-up crew for when I desperately needed someone to be there. And yes, when that time came, my friends and family were by my side in an instant, but no one was involved. They knew what was going on, but they weren't there to see and feel it with me. To share the experience. I sometimes felt it was because they didn't want to. I was always the dependable one, the one who didn't forget, the one who either got things together or at least helped to do so. That's why it hurt. Countless times, mostly with a girl friend, we'd make spontaneous plans for the weekend anywhere from 3-6 days in advance. After so many weekends of no-shows, I started to realize I'd have to remind them. For a while I was fine with that, but eventually I received the feeling that the plans weren't fun anymore and I was unwanted. Of course, that wasn't true, it was just that my friends were more forgetful than I was; but after so many times of making plans, checking a few days before hand to see they'd not forgotten, and finding they had.... you wonder. 

As far as friends of the opposite sex went, I had many. I was a person that, from ages 11 to 15, girls thought was a snob and boys thought was the best chick they'd every met. Not because of any physical favors I'd give them, nothing like that ever happened, but because I let them be who they were. I didn't try to change them, like other girls they'd been close to. They could be comfortable with me, and they respected me because I respected them. Through the years, over and over, I'd hear a male friend say to me that I had a 'gift for guys'; that I understood them. I didn't disagree, as I felt I understood most things and people more than others my age, but I also didn't take it for granted. 

Our friendships weren't all serious, and none of the friendships were the same. I had friends from the neighborhood that would come over to supposedly shoot hoops with my brothers, but really had come to banter. They loved the banter. I have a ready wit, and I use sarcasm in every day life, and they thought it was the coolest thing to watch me put one of them down. They were my brothers as well, and they protected me like I was a sister. If a new boy came around that they didn't think I should be with, they'd let him know. Those friendships were some of the easiest to navigate, because they were simple and honest. Some of my other friendships were of a completely different nature. With boys that weren't from around where I lived, I was the one they came to for an ear. Friends in other states, friends I'd had years before and had just started talking to again, friends that were entirely new still, and friends that I saw about once a week would pour out their inmost thoughts to me, confess their sins to me, and ask me what to do. I never fully understood what it was that inspired such confidence and trust in me, but I never let them down. They in turn fulfilled a need in me to be recognized, were there if I needed a laugh, and encouraged me in everything I did, telling me I could do anything. That I was special.

At 18, I had 2 close girl friends, one a cousin, and about 6 close guy friends, 2 of them cousins. I had an outer circle of friends as well, but I never went to them for anything but a lark, and it was pretty much the same with them. The close friends that have stuck with me through thick and thicker have blood ties to me. My feisty red-headed cousin, my athletic no-nonsense cousin, my sensitive and laid back cousin, and my young brooding cousin. The close guy friends I had when I was 18 either fell away or moved away or wanted to get too close. Only one of them has survived, and our friendship has withstood so much that it's the hardest to navigate of all. Of late, I might talk to one of them about once a week. Feisty and the jock are getting ready to leave the state and country. Laid back is in 2 bands and baseball with practice sessions taking up lots of time. The young one's mind is full of baseball, video games, and girls, while I'm not sure what's going on in the survivor's head. I'd love to know. 

In my life, I have family. I have 5 blood sisters, and 4 blood brothers. Then I have 4 brothers and sisters of my own. I have 5 blood aunts, and 8 aunts to myself. Uncles.. well, I have 5 blood ones. I have blood 3 nephews, one who will live in my heart and memory, and 1 niece with another on the way, while any young boy or girl I meet under the age of 10 is instantly a nephew or niece of mine. I have no children that are tied to me by blood as of yet, thank goodness; that's for later. But I have so many proteges and young men that have either said I'm their mom or that I could be, that I can't count them all. I have many sons. Some have grown and are gone, some are just entering. Don't ask me why I don't have daughters... for many reasons, I don't think it works like that with girls. (There was a time where a close guy friend was a daughter, as he was Arwen and I was Elrond.. and those are the types of stories I have with that friend.) I have 2 parents, one father and one mother; that way I can still say to someone trying to fill that role, "You're not my parent. Thanks anyway." 2 is plenty; I couldn't love any other parents as much or more than I love my own.

This is my family, not even counting my first cousins. It's big. I don't feel alone because I don't have over 400 friends on facebook or 150 contacts in my phone. I don't need them. With a family of this size, with a support group such as this, who needs the 'friends'? 'Friend' is a term I use for the people I speak to about 3 times a month. Those people are wonderful people, sure, but they haven't impacted my life. They haven't shaped who I've become, guiding, directing, and encouraging me. They haven't been close to me. They haven't remained close to me. My friends have made me laugh. My family has made me. And I... am blessed.