"I'll never forget a conversation I had with my wife before our daughter was born. 'I think your den would be a good place for the baby,' she said. 'We'll just move out some of your books.' 'What do you mean, my den? It won't need my den,' I objected. 'A baby is so small. Why can't we just put it in one of the drawers or something?' 'But, David, we've got to make a space for the baby.' We did make a space for the baby in my den, and then one day I walked into the house an all of a sudden realized that everywhere I looked there was space for the baby-- her carriage, her crib, her toys and rattles. All I can say is, you have to make a big space for a baby. And not only physical space. You have to make a space in your time for a baby. To me it came as a revelation that you have to make more and more space in your time, in your house, in your work, in your life.
But that's just the beginning, because you must give more than space. You must give of yourself to cultivate this other, and nurture her into becoming her true self. You must help her discover her identity, individuality, and unique strengths. You must help her learn to make choices. That is your gift to your child-- a sense of self. ... if you help your child to have a strong sense of self, then one day she also will be able to make a big space in her life to include you, her spouse, her children, the world. To accomplish all this, you have to know your child, so that you can make the right kind of space and give of yourself in the special way that child needs. That is what it says in Proverbs, 'Educate a child according to it's ways.'"
This chapter is about raising, loving, and disciplining children. I do not have children of my own, and therefore cannot offer a lot of insight or commentary. However, the author had a lot of good things to say, so this post will be made up mainly of quotes, and then my answers to the questions.
"...you have to discipline your children and still give them a free choice. How do you do that? You do that by showing them the consequences of their actions. When children begin to learn that their actions have consequences, they begin to make informed choices. Understanding consequences also builds confidence because children see that their decisions make a difference, that they make a difference."
"But be careful not to punish your child for every little thing. They will come to believe that everything they do has consequences-- negative consequences. And then they will be too afraid to try anything. That is not free choice either." "If you know your child, you will know best which method of correction to use."
"Whenever you punish your child, you cannot leave it at just that. There has to be an explanation, and the resolution should include affection, or he may come away thinking you don't love him. So you have to give him a hug. You have to say, 'you know, the reason I punished you is because I love you so much and I want you to understand and to learn. How you grow up is very important to me."
"Some parents are so involved in their child's life that the child doesn't have a life. They want to do it all for him, buy it all for him. But kids don't want life on a silver platter. They want to be able to do things on their own. Parents often don't realize that in the overflow of giving they are actually taking away the child's sense of self and the confidence that says, 'I can do this. I am somebody.'" "Parents often delude themselves into thinking that 'toys are us'. Giving to your child means literally giving of yourself, not giving toys or presents. Kids respond to presents, and presents are very nice. But what they really want is their parents, and all the presents in the world will never satisfy their yearning for love. Love means your presence, not your presents."
Parenting is difficult. I have become more and more aware of this as I get older and as I get closer to having children of my own. I have thought about how to teach, what to teach, how to discipline, and what to discipline. Aaron and I have talked about it a few times. Different ideas, different ways, and flaws in some styles of parenting. Just like me, Aaron does not wish to push, pull, or be absent. We wish to raise intelligent and, even more so, understanding and loving individuals. A mind, a brain, is an important piece of a person, but to me a heart, a soul, a conscience is more important. That is what I want to cultivate, to nurture. And that is the hardest style of parenting.
This chapter gave some wonderful encouragement, though. It is possible. It is difficult, exasperating, hard to grasp, hard to be consistent in, but it is possible. People can do it. I can do it. And with Aaron to help me, with me to help him, with us as a team... we will succeed. Unless we have natural born monsters. *raises eyes and hands to heaven and pleads*
One of the biggest goals in my life is to be a mother. To have a family. To raise a family, to teach a family is a bigger goal, a goal less easily achieved. Anyone can have kids. Not everyone can raise kids into loving individuals.
Questions:
1. When you were growing up, what kind of space did your parents make for you? What kind of space did you not have?
My parents made a space of mutual understanding and respect. They explained things to me, yet made me understand that they were my parents and they could say no without explaining their reasons if they chose. I understood that I could talk to them about a choice they made, but I knew that their decision was something I'd have to respect as far as not disobeying or complaining. I could disagree and not like it, they made it clear that that was fine, but we were not friends. They are my parents, and I was the child.
I did not have space to try to tell them what to do. Suggestions, depending on the subject and the delivery, were ok; but if I told them how to parent or that I was going to do something whether they liked it or not... it would not be good.
2. What special strengths and weaknesses did your parents help you discover?
I was home schooled, so my parents helped me discover a lot of strengths in my schooling. English, understanding a problem and seeking a solution.They also taught me how to plan out my school day, do things one at a time, etc. I found that I was a good self-motivator, and could keep myself and others on task.
As I grew older, strengths and weaknesses became more apparent. Writing, singing, the piano were all obvious strengths. But with more on my plate, and going through very new things, they saw that I became anxious and overly worried. Also afraid. Afraid of making a fool of myself because I was, and am, proud.
I think the biggest strength they pointed out to me was that people trusted me. I got that from my mom. Strangers, friends, family, teachers would talk to me about personal things going on in their lives. Whether I had words to share with them or not didn't matter in most cases. They just wanted to be heard. I listened, and did my best to show them that I cared and understood. The weakness is that I don't give up on people, and I get hurt. We talked of that in the last post. My dad and I have had many experiences with this weakness. He counseled me, but let me decide.
3. Is there a blessing that you wish you had received from your parents? What blessing would you like to give your children?
I wish that I had been blessed with an abundance of confidence. I envy those people. And I would bless my children with strength, peace, and understanding.
4. In what ways did your parents discipline you? Were their methods of punishment productive? Can you think of a time that you felt punished yet loved?
My parents best way of punishing me ever was disappointment. They would sit me down alone with them, explain what I had done from their perspective, and tell me how disappointed they were in me. I had let them down, let my siblings down in the example I was supposed to be setting, let the family's name and reputation down, etc. They weren't angry. They were sad. Hurt. And I would cry every time. Apologize. Beat myself up inside and do better. Resolve always to do better. This was definitely productive.
Another way was letting me pick my own punishment. This made me understand how wrong something was through deciding how badly I should punish myself. To be honest, when I was 11-13, I punished myself without my parents telling me. (Thank the gods that phase is over;)
I had always felt loved by my parents. At times more so than others, but after being spanked, my parents would always hug me, tell me they loved me. After being grounded, they'd tell me it was best for me. They were teaching me. And they did.
I have to say, though, the funniest way they punished me. I was a reader. I hated going outside to play when I was 10-11 because it was too hot, I couldn't read in the sun, and I didn't have a couch in a corner to snuggle into while reading if I was out of doors. My mom would ground me from reading for a while, and I'd have to go outside on top of it.
5. What was the lesson most useful to your spiritual growth that your parents taught you?
My parents taught me how important people are, how valuable relationships are, how the best thing you could do would always be for someone else. Share love, joy. Be an example through your willingness to listen, help, be there. They taught me to put others before myself.
6. In what ways did you create yourself?
It's hard to separate what I learned from what I was taught. I created myself in what I chose for myself. I chose to continue to learn, to implement, to grow, to better myself. I chose to go to college, I chose my degree. I choose who I talk to, who I'm friends with, and how I interact. I chose my goal of a family, my love of Aaron. I realized at school that I didn't need to be afraid of people, and that most people are not only ok to talk to, but actually fun. I found that you never truly know what made a person who they are, and not to judge. I learned not to only work. Balance is key.
What I have been learning lately is that it's not the end of the world if someone doesn't like you. I told my dad yesterday that lately I had decided three things for myself. 1. I'm not a snob. Being a Blair, apparently, it's really hard to convince people otherwise. 2. I will defend myself, and from anyone. I'm done being talked over, I will speak for myself and those I care about. 3. I will be honest. That doesn't mean I'm going to go around telling people how I feel about them; it means that if something comes up and I'm asked my opinion, I will say it not caring what they think. If you ask, you'll know.
My parents gave me the tools to build with. They laid the foundation, and then passed me the hammer. Off of their foundation, I think that lately... I've been creating my own confidence. And let me tell you... I'm surprising even myself.
At the end, I am struck with how much effort my parents have put into me. How they understood what I needed as I grew, and what I didn't. Thank you.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Friday, May 18, 2012
Chapter 2- The Questions
I debated whether or not it was necessary to even put these up, but I said I would, so here they are. Again, I may leave out part of an answer, I may even leave out a whole question. You'll just have to read the book to find out what they were. ;)
Question 2. Is there a character trait in others that you generally seek to subordinate? Is there a weakness in you that allows you to become subordinate to others?
(Hard question, right? Very hard to answer. They are all like that.) Feeling that you are done, that you are ok, that you know... I tend to put down. If someone says they've found the solution, I find a problem with the solution. I don't generally think that a person can get to the end, or over something, on their own. I have to approve or be some aspect of help. I've filled the role of counselor for a long time, and it's a role I don't give up willingly now.
When it comes to my own subordination or weakness... I suppose it's that I am loyal. Sometimes too loyal. I keep friends and relationships even when it hurts me. I won't say something that needs to be said for fear they'll drop me like a hot potato. I don't condone, but I am silent. I keep giving, and I get hurt over and over. Because the ball is always in their court. An argument could be made that I feel like everyone needs me, and it's not just loyalty, I understand. However, new 'friends' or acquaintances that I give advice to for a short time don't hold me like this. They start to annoy me (for lack of a better word), or I see that they don't give a darn, and I say, 'Ok then, we're done.' The people that do hold me are the people I feel closest to, the people who have been friends of mine the longest. I just don't want to give up on them. I don't want to give them up.
Question 3. Can you think of times when you tried to control your partner?
I have always been forceful. I have always had high standards for a significant other, but along the way some of those standards turned into a fantasy. And there have been several times when I've tried to tell him what to do, what to say, when to come, etc. Aaron put up with a lot, until I learned to just trust his judgement. And I have been pleased since. (No, I'm not saying I'm cured. It's a process.)
Question 4: What are the unique strengths you want to be respected for in a loving relationship? What are the unique strengths you most respect in others?
I think my answers are the same for myself and others. Logic, perceptiveness, truthfulness, strength, being a motivator, creativity, self respect, and standing true to your word. My dad taught me to never make a promise I couldn't keep, and to never break one that I made. I expect the same in others.
Question 5. Can you recall the last time you "fell in love"? What was the attraction? Did it become a "climb in love"? If not, what could you have done to make it so?
That last time was in my first relationship, and the attraction was love. Adoration. Excitement. We both played music, we both loved music. We both wrote poems, we loved each others poems. And no, it became a downward spiral. I could not have done anything, because he came to a point where he was set on making it worse, until it broke. I'm glad I can say there is nothing I could do, because I'd hate to think of it working. I wouldn't have Aaron.
Question 6. Can you remember the first time you told someone you loved him/her? Why did you say that? Why at that moment?
The first time was as my relationship was crumbling. I was at a loss, I had done everything I could see to do. I had told him throughout our relationship that I didn't want to say "I love you" for a while. I didn't want it light or common. Or early. He had always disagreed, so I told him I loved him as I told him to do whatever would make him happy concerned us. Obviously, it didn't work, and I've regretted using such words for that purpose since.
Question 8. Can you remember a relationship in which you made space for your partner? What specifically did you make space for?
This one, with Aaron. It has held the most meaning, filled the most space. I made space for honesty. I wanted openness, truthfulness, acceptance. And I have received, and given I hope, just that.
Question 9. What character flaws in a partner are you willing to make space for? What flaws in your character will your partner have to make a space for?
I make space for any flaws that aren't dangerous or damaging, and I hope that goes the same for Aaron. Of course, we encourage growth in the other at the same time.
Question 10. What did you learn from your previous relationships that prepared you for your soul mate?
Ground rules, boundaries, communication, and willingness to fight over and then get over issues. Not to be looked over, and not to be forgotten. Not to be changed, to be seen as something else. I've learned to compromise on some issues and be willing to give on others. (I didn't have to learn how to not give an inch on something though. I knew that already. ;) Most of what I have learned, though, I have learned with Aaron. And I love how we have grown together.
The posts will now be as they were before, I hope, in that I will read and write it one week, then type it up for others to read the next. Until then.. kol tov.
Question 2. Is there a character trait in others that you generally seek to subordinate? Is there a weakness in you that allows you to become subordinate to others?
(Hard question, right? Very hard to answer. They are all like that.) Feeling that you are done, that you are ok, that you know... I tend to put down. If someone says they've found the solution, I find a problem with the solution. I don't generally think that a person can get to the end, or over something, on their own. I have to approve or be some aspect of help. I've filled the role of counselor for a long time, and it's a role I don't give up willingly now.
When it comes to my own subordination or weakness... I suppose it's that I am loyal. Sometimes too loyal. I keep friends and relationships even when it hurts me. I won't say something that needs to be said for fear they'll drop me like a hot potato. I don't condone, but I am silent. I keep giving, and I get hurt over and over. Because the ball is always in their court. An argument could be made that I feel like everyone needs me, and it's not just loyalty, I understand. However, new 'friends' or acquaintances that I give advice to for a short time don't hold me like this. They start to annoy me (for lack of a better word), or I see that they don't give a darn, and I say, 'Ok then, we're done.' The people that do hold me are the people I feel closest to, the people who have been friends of mine the longest. I just don't want to give up on them. I don't want to give them up.
Question 3. Can you think of times when you tried to control your partner?
I have always been forceful. I have always had high standards for a significant other, but along the way some of those standards turned into a fantasy. And there have been several times when I've tried to tell him what to do, what to say, when to come, etc. Aaron put up with a lot, until I learned to just trust his judgement. And I have been pleased since. (No, I'm not saying I'm cured. It's a process.)
Question 4: What are the unique strengths you want to be respected for in a loving relationship? What are the unique strengths you most respect in others?
I think my answers are the same for myself and others. Logic, perceptiveness, truthfulness, strength, being a motivator, creativity, self respect, and standing true to your word. My dad taught me to never make a promise I couldn't keep, and to never break one that I made. I expect the same in others.
Question 5. Can you recall the last time you "fell in love"? What was the attraction? Did it become a "climb in love"? If not, what could you have done to make it so?
That last time was in my first relationship, and the attraction was love. Adoration. Excitement. We both played music, we both loved music. We both wrote poems, we loved each others poems. And no, it became a downward spiral. I could not have done anything, because he came to a point where he was set on making it worse, until it broke. I'm glad I can say there is nothing I could do, because I'd hate to think of it working. I wouldn't have Aaron.
Question 6. Can you remember the first time you told someone you loved him/her? Why did you say that? Why at that moment?
The first time was as my relationship was crumbling. I was at a loss, I had done everything I could see to do. I had told him throughout our relationship that I didn't want to say "I love you" for a while. I didn't want it light or common. Or early. He had always disagreed, so I told him I loved him as I told him to do whatever would make him happy concerned us. Obviously, it didn't work, and I've regretted using such words for that purpose since.
Question 8. Can you remember a relationship in which you made space for your partner? What specifically did you make space for?
This one, with Aaron. It has held the most meaning, filled the most space. I made space for honesty. I wanted openness, truthfulness, acceptance. And I have received, and given I hope, just that.
Question 9. What character flaws in a partner are you willing to make space for? What flaws in your character will your partner have to make a space for?
I make space for any flaws that aren't dangerous or damaging, and I hope that goes the same for Aaron. Of course, we encourage growth in the other at the same time.
Question 10. What did you learn from your previous relationships that prepared you for your soul mate?
Ground rules, boundaries, communication, and willingness to fight over and then get over issues. Not to be looked over, and not to be forgotten. Not to be changed, to be seen as something else. I've learned to compromise on some issues and be willing to give on others. (I didn't have to learn how to not give an inch on something though. I knew that already. ;) Most of what I have learned, though, I have learned with Aaron. And I love how we have grown together.
The posts will now be as they were before, I hope, in that I will read and write it one week, then type it up for others to read the next. Until then.. kol tov.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Love, love, love-Chapter 2
First, excuses. I woke up quite late in the morning three weeks ago Saturday, and did not feel I had time to read, write, think. I then came up with an idea to do this chapter with Anaro, who we will from now on call by his real name, Aaron. Two days later, Aaron had the book in his possession, and spent the rest of the week days reading the chapter, and answering the questions. However, on Friday of last week (the 4'th of this month), Aaron decided that he wasn't quite comfortable sharing his answers to some of the questions, which is QUITE understandable this chapter. Thus, I was left with starting over on my own, which I did Thursday night. I picked all of the quotes that night, began writing Saturday morning, and finished thoughts and answering the questions around 8:30 pm today.
Now, to get down to business.
"This is a very important concept. A lone individual does not reflect the image of Hashem. An individual in unity with an other does. ... until an individual makes a space to include an other, and allows that other to do the same, we do not have the oneness that reflects the image of Hashem."
Reading through this chapter, I found myself wanting to shove certain passages in a few peoples' faces. There is so much good advice, good teaching in this chapter; everyone should read it. However, not all of the passages applied to me. I was quite fortunate to grow up with wise parents, who laid the ground rules early on for how their children's relationships should be. I also have had to keep in mind that I have 6 younger siblings. Just because it doesn't seem as if they care about, listen to, or see what's going on, what I try to tell them, what I strive to show them, doesn't mean they aren't watching my every move in my relationship with Aaron. I was the same way with my older siblings. Relationships are curious thing to younger siblings; you want to know how they work. Thus, I already knew most if not all of what this chapter taught.
I wrote down several quotes, but some were for others. This is my journal, my post, so the ones that don't apply to either of my relationships will not be shared here.
"This is the danger of falling in love. I give up me to be we. But in so doing, I do not achieve oneness. I only enter a state of illusion."
Love is an amazing thing. I am surrounded by it in my family, but only recently have I come to understand the first few layers of it when it concerns an other, as the author says. From age 8-17, I had plenty of boys, guys, young men that paid me attention, that I paid attention to. I hate to admit it, but I was a flirt. Didn't matter if I was never going to see the guy again; in fact, that made it all the more romantic. But never in a million years did I think I was in love with someone. With any of them. I saw what love was every day from my parents. I knew I hadn't even scraped the surface with my little crushes.
By age 18, I was terrified of being alone the rest of my life. I didn't want crushes at 18, I wanted a relationship. So by summer time, I had one. I fell in love. I lost me to be we. At the time, it seemed like I was doing the right thing. And he was so dynamic and off the wall, it didn't matter. I felt like I was finally being seen for who I really was. Unfortunately, what happened was we tried to please the other so much and so often, that we both lost ourselves. We ended up clouded in confusion. He wanted to tour, travel, and he wanted me with him. I wanted kids, a family, security, and he suddenly didn't want kids at all. We tried for weeks to get our goals to match, to find a middle ground. I wanted it to work, I am a loyal person, but I knew it wouldn't. He retreated into silence, and then finally decided something I couldn't. He called it off. I was crushed at the time, but within a week, I knew I had learned what I needed to, that I would be better for having experienced it.
"Real love is a process of getting to know somebody. I have to get to know you, because how can I make a big space inside of me to include you if I don't know who you are?"
In what might seem like a short time to some, I re-met, talked to, became interested in, scoped out, and decided I liked Aaron, in that order. My first relationship had lasted roughly 3 months, the last month not at all a happy one. In those 3 months, I learned what I wanted to have happen the next time around. I told Aaron, who lived an hour away at the time, that I wanted 2 things quite clear. 1. We would talk on the phone more than we text and chat, and that I would see him at least once every two weeks. 2. that he needed to be ok having conversation with my family, esp. my parents, hanging with my siblings, and letting others be involved in 'us'. He readily agreed, stuck with it, and here we are 16 months and 2 days later. ;)
If I tried to explain how much I have grown in love with Aaron, as a couple and as a person, I would fill a book. Or several. We've taught each other how to communicate, what to say and when, how to listen, and how to act. We've learned it's not the end of the world if/when we argue. We've learned to say sorry as many times as needed. We're both ok with and open to corrections and suggestions, trying to be aware of the other's feelings and where they are coming from. And we both encourage each other to keep learning in other areas, because there is a big thing we've learned: it's never done. We're never done. It's a lifelong process, and we're ok with that. :)
I'll cover a few things here just to stay with the book. "The helpmate is to be kenegdo. ...The Hebrew word kenegdo means 'against, opposite, parallel to'. Although the passage is often mistranslated as 'I will make a fitting helpmate FOR him,' Hashem actually says, 'I will make a fitting helpmate AGAINST him.' Hashem intends that Adam's helpmate be someone who, in a very positive, respectful way, will stand opposite him on parallel ground."
One of the things that attracted Aaron to me was how I am not afraid to challenge him, argue, debate. And one of the things I love about Aaron is that he is ok with me being wholly and entirely me. To say what I think, what I believe, is welcome. When it comes to corrections/suggestions, I offer them in a more quiet manner... the first time. If he sees my point, my emotions regarding the issue, and that the issue might truly be an issue, he changes it. Aaron is not afraid to change.
There have been times when I haven't liked something, but it's just silly, and he says so. We might argue or just drop it, and I then see that it's not important enough to be angry about. Like Aaron watching Family Guy. That bothered me, because I have a stereotype about people (... guys) that watch that show, and it's not a good one. Over time, though, I saw and accepted that Aaron has few ways to relax, unwind, and/or numb his mind after a hard day/week. Family Guy is one of them, so I decided to let it be, and be happy he's laughing at something. I, with great reluctance, gave up on fighting that Family Guy is harmful. :-P Of course, the issue is vice versa. On parallel ground, he challenges me as well.
"A relationship of dominance is not the image of Hashem or the image of love-- it is not making a space within yourself for an other and giving of yourself to that other. Only when two people give to each other, and help each other within a relationship of mutual respect and inclusiveness can they receive the gift of love, the Everlasting Light of love."
We are ourselves. Dominance over the other, changing a personality, ruling, pushing, re-shaping has never been a part of our relationship. I, in the beginning, still had part of an old mindset that I changed to suit him and we were good. Aaron broke that. He saw me, and he wanted only me. Not some other girl, not a combination of traits, not a tone, not a word, not a fashion statement that wasn't mine. That wasn't me. He was and has been the only one to make me comfortably, even daringly me. I've learned not to care if most guys prefer blonds. Mine doesn't. I've learned not to give up on an issue to just make him happy, because he won't be. And I've learned that Aaron is the most respectful, caring, perceptive, and honest man alive. I will not change that.
"Of course, there has to be chemistry, there have to be sparks. Sexual attraction is important; it has to be there. If you don't feel some kind of physical attraction, then something is wrong. But you have to work on that spark of attraction to build it into a big fire of love. And if you succeed, you will know it. You will recognize why this relationship is so different from the others you might have had, because true love enables you to develop a spiritual unity beyond the physical realm. And then the physical expression of it has eternal meaning."
On this, I will say 2 things. That as I daily learn more, and love him more, ... I am that much more attracted to him. And there isn't a day that Aaron does not tell me, in one way or another, that I am exceptionally beautiful, and make me believe him.
I wish to answer the questions in another post later on this week. They have required long and extensive contemplation. They might not even end up, fully, in the post because they are quite personal. However, I do wish to leave you with this thought: "If you are looking for some mythical assurance that your relationship was made in heaven, you should recognize that the only thing made in heaven is what you are going to build on earth." Kol Tov.
Now, to get down to business.
"This is a very important concept. A lone individual does not reflect the image of Hashem. An individual in unity with an other does. ... until an individual makes a space to include an other, and allows that other to do the same, we do not have the oneness that reflects the image of Hashem."
Reading through this chapter, I found myself wanting to shove certain passages in a few peoples' faces. There is so much good advice, good teaching in this chapter; everyone should read it. However, not all of the passages applied to me. I was quite fortunate to grow up with wise parents, who laid the ground rules early on for how their children's relationships should be. I also have had to keep in mind that I have 6 younger siblings. Just because it doesn't seem as if they care about, listen to, or see what's going on, what I try to tell them, what I strive to show them, doesn't mean they aren't watching my every move in my relationship with Aaron. I was the same way with my older siblings. Relationships are curious thing to younger siblings; you want to know how they work. Thus, I already knew most if not all of what this chapter taught.
I wrote down several quotes, but some were for others. This is my journal, my post, so the ones that don't apply to either of my relationships will not be shared here.
"This is the danger of falling in love. I give up me to be we. But in so doing, I do not achieve oneness. I only enter a state of illusion."
Love is an amazing thing. I am surrounded by it in my family, but only recently have I come to understand the first few layers of it when it concerns an other, as the author says. From age 8-17, I had plenty of boys, guys, young men that paid me attention, that I paid attention to. I hate to admit it, but I was a flirt. Didn't matter if I was never going to see the guy again; in fact, that made it all the more romantic. But never in a million years did I think I was in love with someone. With any of them. I saw what love was every day from my parents. I knew I hadn't even scraped the surface with my little crushes.
By age 18, I was terrified of being alone the rest of my life. I didn't want crushes at 18, I wanted a relationship. So by summer time, I had one. I fell in love. I lost me to be we. At the time, it seemed like I was doing the right thing. And he was so dynamic and off the wall, it didn't matter. I felt like I was finally being seen for who I really was. Unfortunately, what happened was we tried to please the other so much and so often, that we both lost ourselves. We ended up clouded in confusion. He wanted to tour, travel, and he wanted me with him. I wanted kids, a family, security, and he suddenly didn't want kids at all. We tried for weeks to get our goals to match, to find a middle ground. I wanted it to work, I am a loyal person, but I knew it wouldn't. He retreated into silence, and then finally decided something I couldn't. He called it off. I was crushed at the time, but within a week, I knew I had learned what I needed to, that I would be better for having experienced it.
"Real love is a process of getting to know somebody. I have to get to know you, because how can I make a big space inside of me to include you if I don't know who you are?"
In what might seem like a short time to some, I re-met, talked to, became interested in, scoped out, and decided I liked Aaron, in that order. My first relationship had lasted roughly 3 months, the last month not at all a happy one. In those 3 months, I learned what I wanted to have happen the next time around. I told Aaron, who lived an hour away at the time, that I wanted 2 things quite clear. 1. We would talk on the phone more than we text and chat, and that I would see him at least once every two weeks. 2. that he needed to be ok having conversation with my family, esp. my parents, hanging with my siblings, and letting others be involved in 'us'. He readily agreed, stuck with it, and here we are 16 months and 2 days later. ;)
If I tried to explain how much I have grown in love with Aaron, as a couple and as a person, I would fill a book. Or several. We've taught each other how to communicate, what to say and when, how to listen, and how to act. We've learned it's not the end of the world if/when we argue. We've learned to say sorry as many times as needed. We're both ok with and open to corrections and suggestions, trying to be aware of the other's feelings and where they are coming from. And we both encourage each other to keep learning in other areas, because there is a big thing we've learned: it's never done. We're never done. It's a lifelong process, and we're ok with that. :)
I'll cover a few things here just to stay with the book. "The helpmate is to be kenegdo. ...The Hebrew word kenegdo means 'against, opposite, parallel to'. Although the passage is often mistranslated as 'I will make a fitting helpmate FOR him,' Hashem actually says, 'I will make a fitting helpmate AGAINST him.' Hashem intends that Adam's helpmate be someone who, in a very positive, respectful way, will stand opposite him on parallel ground."
One of the things that attracted Aaron to me was how I am not afraid to challenge him, argue, debate. And one of the things I love about Aaron is that he is ok with me being wholly and entirely me. To say what I think, what I believe, is welcome. When it comes to corrections/suggestions, I offer them in a more quiet manner... the first time. If he sees my point, my emotions regarding the issue, and that the issue might truly be an issue, he changes it. Aaron is not afraid to change.
There have been times when I haven't liked something, but it's just silly, and he says so. We might argue or just drop it, and I then see that it's not important enough to be angry about. Like Aaron watching Family Guy. That bothered me, because I have a stereotype about people (... guys) that watch that show, and it's not a good one. Over time, though, I saw and accepted that Aaron has few ways to relax, unwind, and/or numb his mind after a hard day/week. Family Guy is one of them, so I decided to let it be, and be happy he's laughing at something. I, with great reluctance, gave up on fighting that Family Guy is harmful. :-P Of course, the issue is vice versa. On parallel ground, he challenges me as well.
"A relationship of dominance is not the image of Hashem or the image of love-- it is not making a space within yourself for an other and giving of yourself to that other. Only when two people give to each other, and help each other within a relationship of mutual respect and inclusiveness can they receive the gift of love, the Everlasting Light of love."
We are ourselves. Dominance over the other, changing a personality, ruling, pushing, re-shaping has never been a part of our relationship. I, in the beginning, still had part of an old mindset that I changed to suit him and we were good. Aaron broke that. He saw me, and he wanted only me. Not some other girl, not a combination of traits, not a tone, not a word, not a fashion statement that wasn't mine. That wasn't me. He was and has been the only one to make me comfortably, even daringly me. I've learned not to care if most guys prefer blonds. Mine doesn't. I've learned not to give up on an issue to just make him happy, because he won't be. And I've learned that Aaron is the most respectful, caring, perceptive, and honest man alive. I will not change that.
"Of course, there has to be chemistry, there have to be sparks. Sexual attraction is important; it has to be there. If you don't feel some kind of physical attraction, then something is wrong. But you have to work on that spark of attraction to build it into a big fire of love. And if you succeed, you will know it. You will recognize why this relationship is so different from the others you might have had, because true love enables you to develop a spiritual unity beyond the physical realm. And then the physical expression of it has eternal meaning."
On this, I will say 2 things. That as I daily learn more, and love him more, ... I am that much more attracted to him. And there isn't a day that Aaron does not tell me, in one way or another, that I am exceptionally beautiful, and make me believe him.
I wish to answer the questions in another post later on this week. They have required long and extensive contemplation. They might not even end up, fully, in the post because they are quite personal. However, I do wish to leave you with this thought: "If you are looking for some mythical assurance that your relationship was made in heaven, you should recognize that the only thing made in heaven is what you are going to build on earth." Kol Tov.
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