First, excuses. I woke up quite late in the morning three weeks ago Saturday, and did not feel I had time to read, write, think. I then came up with an idea to do this chapter with Anaro, who we will from now on call by his real name, Aaron. Two days later, Aaron had the book in his possession, and spent the rest of the week days reading the chapter, and answering the questions. However, on Friday of last week (the 4'th of this month), Aaron decided that he wasn't quite comfortable sharing his answers to some of the questions, which is QUITE understandable this chapter. Thus, I was left with starting over on my own, which I did Thursday night. I picked all of the quotes that night, began writing Saturday morning, and finished thoughts and answering the questions around 8:30 pm today.
Now, to get down to business.
"This is a very important concept. A lone individual does not reflect the image of Hashem. An individual in unity with an other does. ... until an individual makes a space to include an other, and allows that other to do the same, we do not have the oneness that reflects the image of Hashem."
Reading through this chapter, I found myself wanting to shove certain passages in a few peoples' faces. There is so much good advice, good teaching in this chapter; everyone should read it. However, not all of the passages applied to me. I was quite fortunate to grow up with wise parents, who laid the ground rules early on for how their children's relationships should be. I also have had to keep in mind that I have 6 younger siblings. Just because it doesn't seem as if they care about, listen to, or see what's going on, what I try to tell them, what I strive to show them, doesn't mean they aren't watching my every move in my relationship with Aaron. I was the same way with my older siblings. Relationships are curious thing to younger siblings; you want to know how they work. Thus, I already knew most if not all of what this chapter taught.
I wrote down several quotes, but some were for others. This is my journal, my post, so the ones that don't apply to either of my relationships will not be shared here.
"This is the danger of falling in love. I give up me to be we. But in so doing, I do not achieve oneness. I only enter a state of illusion."
Love is an amazing thing. I am surrounded by it in my family, but only recently have I come to understand the first few layers of it when it concerns an other, as the author says. From age 8-17, I had plenty of boys, guys, young men that paid me attention, that I paid attention to. I hate to admit it, but I was a flirt. Didn't matter if I was never going to see the guy again; in fact, that made it all the more romantic. But never in a million years did I think I was in love with someone. With any of them. I saw what love was every day from my parents. I knew I hadn't even scraped the surface with my little crushes.
By age 18, I was terrified of being alone the rest of my life. I didn't want crushes at 18, I wanted a relationship. So by summer time, I had one. I fell in love. I lost me to be we. At the time, it seemed like I was doing the right thing. And he was so dynamic and off the wall, it didn't matter. I felt like I was finally being seen for who I really was. Unfortunately, what happened was we tried to please the other so much and so often, that we both lost ourselves. We ended up clouded in confusion. He wanted to tour, travel, and he wanted me with him. I wanted kids, a family, security, and he suddenly didn't want kids at all. We tried for weeks to get our goals to match, to find a middle ground. I wanted it to work, I am a loyal person, but I knew it wouldn't. He retreated into silence, and then finally decided something I couldn't. He called it off. I was crushed at the time, but within a week, I knew I had learned what I needed to, that I would be better for having experienced it.
"Real love is a process of getting to know somebody. I have to get to know you, because how can I make a big space inside of me to include you if I don't know who you are?"
In what might seem like a short time to some, I re-met, talked to, became interested in, scoped out, and decided I liked Aaron, in that order. My first relationship had lasted roughly 3 months, the last month not at all a happy one. In those 3 months, I learned what I wanted to have happen the next time around. I told Aaron, who lived an hour away at the time, that I wanted 2 things quite clear. 1. We would talk on the phone more than we text and chat, and that I would see him at least once every two weeks. 2. that he needed to be ok having conversation with my family, esp. my parents, hanging with my siblings, and letting others be involved in 'us'. He readily agreed, stuck with it, and here we are 16 months and 2 days later. ;)
If I tried to explain how much I have grown in love with Aaron, as a couple and as a person, I would fill a book. Or several. We've taught each other how to communicate, what to say and when, how to listen, and how to act. We've learned it's not the end of the world if/when we argue. We've learned to say sorry as many times as needed. We're both ok with and open to corrections and suggestions, trying to be aware of the other's feelings and where they are coming from. And we both encourage each other to keep learning in other areas, because there is a big thing we've learned: it's never done. We're never done. It's a lifelong process, and we're ok with that. :)
I'll cover a few things here just to stay with the book. "The helpmate is to be kenegdo. ...The Hebrew word kenegdo means 'against, opposite, parallel to'. Although the passage is often mistranslated as 'I will make a fitting helpmate FOR him,' Hashem actually says, 'I will make a fitting helpmate AGAINST him.' Hashem intends that Adam's helpmate be someone who, in a very positive, respectful way, will stand opposite him on parallel ground."
One of the things that attracted Aaron to me was how I am not afraid to challenge him, argue, debate. And one of the things I love about Aaron is that he is ok with me being wholly and entirely me. To say what I think, what I believe, is welcome. When it comes to corrections/suggestions, I offer them in a more quiet manner... the first time. If he sees my point, my emotions regarding the issue, and that the issue might truly be an issue, he changes it. Aaron is not afraid to change.
There have been times when I haven't liked something, but it's just silly, and he says so. We might argue or just drop it, and I then see that it's not important enough to be angry about. Like Aaron watching Family Guy. That bothered me, because I have a stereotype about people (... guys) that watch that show, and it's not a good one. Over time, though, I saw and accepted that Aaron has few ways to relax, unwind, and/or numb his mind after a hard day/week. Family Guy is one of them, so I decided to let it be, and be happy he's laughing at something. I, with great reluctance, gave up on fighting that Family Guy is harmful. :-P Of course, the issue is vice versa. On parallel ground, he challenges me as well.
"A relationship of dominance is not the image of Hashem or the image of love-- it is not making a space within yourself for an other and giving of yourself to that other. Only when two people give to each other, and help each other within a relationship of mutual respect and inclusiveness can they receive the gift of love, the Everlasting Light of love."
We are ourselves. Dominance over the other, changing a personality, ruling, pushing, re-shaping has never been a part of our relationship. I, in the beginning, still had part of an old mindset that I changed to suit him and we were good. Aaron broke that. He saw me, and he wanted only me. Not some other girl, not a combination of traits, not a tone, not a word, not a fashion statement that wasn't mine. That wasn't me. He was and has been the only one to make me comfortably, even daringly me. I've learned not to care if most guys prefer blonds. Mine doesn't. I've learned not to give up on an issue to just make him happy, because he won't be. And I've learned that Aaron is the most respectful, caring, perceptive, and honest man alive. I will not change that.
"Of course, there has to be chemistry, there have to be sparks. Sexual attraction is important; it has to be there. If you don't feel some kind of physical attraction, then something is wrong. But you have to work on that spark of attraction to build it into a big fire of love. And if you succeed, you will know it. You will recognize why this relationship is so different from the others you might have had, because true love enables you to develop a spiritual unity beyond the physical realm. And then the physical expression of it has eternal meaning."
On this, I will say 2 things. That as I daily learn more, and love him more, ... I am that much more attracted to him. And there isn't a day that Aaron does not tell me, in one way or another, that I am exceptionally beautiful, and make me believe him.
I wish to answer the questions in another post later on this week. They have required long and extensive contemplation. They might not even end up, fully, in the post because they are quite personal. However, I do wish to leave you with this thought: "If you are looking for some mythical assurance that your relationship was made in heaven, you should recognize that the only thing made in heaven is what you are going to build on earth." Kol Tov.
No comments:
Post a Comment