"I'll never forget a conversation I had with my wife before our daughter was born. 'I think your den would be a good place for the baby,' she said. 'We'll just move out some of your books.' 'What do you mean, my den? It won't need my den,' I objected. 'A baby is so small. Why can't we just put it in one of the drawers or something?' 'But, David, we've got to make a space for the baby.' We did make a space for the baby in my den, and then one day I walked into the house an all of a sudden realized that everywhere I looked there was space for the baby-- her carriage, her crib, her toys and rattles. All I can say is, you have to make a big space for a baby. And not only physical space. You have to make a space in your time for a baby. To me it came as a revelation that you have to make more and more space in your time, in your house, in your work, in your life.
But that's just the beginning, because you must give more than space. You must give of yourself to cultivate this other, and nurture her into becoming her true self. You must help her discover her identity, individuality, and unique strengths. You must help her learn to make choices. That is your gift to your child-- a sense of self. ... if you help your child to have a strong sense of self, then one day she also will be able to make a big space in her life to include you, her spouse, her children, the world. To accomplish all this, you have to know your child, so that you can make the right kind of space and give of yourself in the special way that child needs. That is what it says in Proverbs, 'Educate a child according to it's ways.'"
This chapter is about raising, loving, and disciplining children. I do not have children of my own, and therefore cannot offer a lot of insight or commentary. However, the author had a lot of good things to say, so this post will be made up mainly of quotes, and then my answers to the questions.
"...you have to discipline your children and still give them a free choice. How do you do that? You do that by showing them the consequences of their actions. When children begin to learn that their actions have consequences, they begin to make informed choices. Understanding consequences also builds confidence because children see that their decisions make a difference, that they make a difference."
"But be careful not to punish your child for every little thing. They will come to believe that everything they do has consequences-- negative consequences. And then they will be too afraid to try anything. That is not free choice either." "If you know your child, you will know best which method of correction to use."
"Whenever you punish your child, you cannot leave it at just that. There has to be an explanation, and the resolution should include affection, or he may come away thinking you don't love him. So you have to give him a hug. You have to say, 'you know, the reason I punished you is because I love you so much and I want you to understand and to learn. How you grow up is very important to me."
"Some parents are so involved in their child's life that the child doesn't have a life. They want to do it all for him, buy it all for him. But kids don't want life on a silver platter. They want to be able to do things on their own. Parents often don't realize that in the overflow of giving they are actually taking away the child's sense of self and the confidence that says, 'I can do this. I am somebody.'" "Parents often delude themselves into thinking that 'toys are us'. Giving to your child means literally giving of yourself, not giving toys or presents. Kids respond to presents, and presents are very nice. But what they really want is their parents, and all the presents in the world will never satisfy their yearning for love. Love means your presence, not your presents."
Parenting is difficult. I have become more and more aware of this as I get older and as I get closer to having children of my own. I have thought about how to teach, what to teach, how to discipline, and what to discipline. Aaron and I have talked about it a few times. Different ideas, different ways, and flaws in some styles of parenting. Just like me, Aaron does not wish to push, pull, or be absent. We wish to raise intelligent and, even more so, understanding and loving individuals. A mind, a brain, is an important piece of a person, but to me a heart, a soul, a conscience is more important. That is what I want to cultivate, to nurture. And that is the hardest style of parenting.
This chapter gave some wonderful encouragement, though. It is possible. It is difficult, exasperating, hard to grasp, hard to be consistent in, but it is possible. People can do it. I can do it. And with Aaron to help me, with me to help him, with us as a team... we will succeed. Unless we have natural born monsters. *raises eyes and hands to heaven and pleads*
One of the biggest goals in my life is to be a mother. To have a family. To raise a family, to teach a family is a bigger goal, a goal less easily achieved. Anyone can have kids. Not everyone can raise kids into loving individuals.
Questions:
1. When you were growing up, what kind of space did your parents make for you? What kind of space did you not have?
My parents made a space of mutual understanding and respect. They explained things to me, yet made me understand that they were my parents and they could say no without explaining their reasons if they chose. I understood that I could talk to them about a choice they made, but I knew that their decision was something I'd have to respect as far as not disobeying or complaining. I could disagree and not like it, they made it clear that that was fine, but we were not friends. They are my parents, and I was the child.
I did not have space to try to tell them what to do. Suggestions, depending on the subject and the delivery, were ok; but if I told them how to parent or that I was going to do something whether they liked it or not... it would not be good.
2. What special strengths and weaknesses did your parents help you discover?
I was home schooled, so my parents helped me discover a lot of strengths in my schooling. English, understanding a problem and seeking a solution.They also taught me how to plan out my school day, do things one at a time, etc. I found that I was a good self-motivator, and could keep myself and others on task.
As I grew older, strengths and weaknesses became more apparent. Writing, singing, the piano were all obvious strengths. But with more on my plate, and going through very new things, they saw that I became anxious and overly worried. Also afraid. Afraid of making a fool of myself because I was, and am, proud.
I think the biggest strength they pointed out to me was that people trusted me. I got that from my mom. Strangers, friends, family, teachers would talk to me about personal things going on in their lives. Whether I had words to share with them or not didn't matter in most cases. They just wanted to be heard. I listened, and did my best to show them that I cared and understood. The weakness is that I don't give up on people, and I get hurt. We talked of that in the last post. My dad and I have had many experiences with this weakness. He counseled me, but let me decide.
3. Is there a blessing that you wish you had received from your parents? What blessing would you like to give your children?
I wish that I had been blessed with an abundance of confidence. I envy those people. And I would bless my children with strength, peace, and understanding.
4. In what ways did your parents discipline you? Were their methods of punishment productive? Can you think of a time that you felt punished yet loved?
My parents best way of punishing me ever was disappointment. They would sit me down alone with them, explain what I had done from their perspective, and tell me how disappointed they were in me. I had let them down, let my siblings down in the example I was supposed to be setting, let the family's name and reputation down, etc. They weren't angry. They were sad. Hurt. And I would cry every time. Apologize. Beat myself up inside and do better. Resolve always to do better. This was definitely productive.
Another way was letting me pick my own punishment. This made me understand how wrong something was through deciding how badly I should punish myself. To be honest, when I was 11-13, I punished myself without my parents telling me. (Thank the gods that phase is over;)
I had always felt loved by my parents. At times more so than others, but after being spanked, my parents would always hug me, tell me they loved me. After being grounded, they'd tell me it was best for me. They were teaching me. And they did.
I have to say, though, the funniest way they punished me. I was a reader. I hated going outside to play when I was 10-11 because it was too hot, I couldn't read in the sun, and I didn't have a couch in a corner to snuggle into while reading if I was out of doors. My mom would ground me from reading for a while, and I'd have to go outside on top of it.
5. What was the lesson most useful to your spiritual growth that your parents taught you?
My parents taught me how important people are, how valuable relationships are, how the best thing you could do would always be for someone else. Share love, joy. Be an example through your willingness to listen, help, be there. They taught me to put others before myself.
6. In what ways did you create yourself?
It's hard to separate what I learned from what I was taught. I created myself in what I chose for myself. I chose to continue to learn, to implement, to grow, to better myself. I chose to go to college, I chose my degree. I choose who I talk to, who I'm friends with, and how I interact. I chose my goal of a family, my love of Aaron. I realized at school that I didn't need to be afraid of people, and that most people are not only ok to talk to, but actually fun. I found that you never truly know what made a person who they are, and not to judge. I learned not to only work. Balance is key.
What I have been learning lately is that it's not the end of the world if someone doesn't like you. I told my dad yesterday that lately I had decided three things for myself. 1. I'm not a snob. Being a Blair, apparently, it's really hard to convince people otherwise. 2. I will defend myself, and from anyone. I'm done being talked over, I will speak for myself and those I care about. 3. I will be honest. That doesn't mean I'm going to go around telling people how I feel about them; it means that if something comes up and I'm asked my opinion, I will say it not caring what they think. If you ask, you'll know.
My parents gave me the tools to build with. They laid the foundation, and then passed me the hammer. Off of their foundation, I think that lately... I've been creating my own confidence. And let me tell you... I'm surprising even myself.
At the end, I am struck with how much effort my parents have put into me. How they understood what I needed as I grew, and what I didn't. Thank you.
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