I know I haven't been on in quite some time. We have had company from Canada a few different weekends, a weekend devoted to my mom's parents, etc. etc. etc. I did read the chapter last week Thursday, I just didn't make time on top of other things to put it up.
This chapter is about bringing all of the pieces of yourself together, and to peace. Not to neglect your soul and focus on your ego, not to focus so much on your soul that you're in dream world and don't have a character. It is a good chapter for young people especially. Young people tend to shut out their souls and they end up feeling lost. "People who are very social, always laughing and joking. People who are always busy, trying to fill every possible moment with work or activity or mind-numbing entertainment. Anything to prevent that dreadful moment of silence when they can no longer drown out the cry of their soul. They may succeed, but only for a little while, because the soul is strong. It roars like a restless lion, rattling the bars of the cage the ego has built for it." Everyone searches for themselves, and sometimes the process of the search is to shut off who you truly are while you try to be someone else.
"Hashem calls to Adam, 'Where are you?' But the question isn't, 'Where are you?' It is 'Where are you?' That is the most frightening of questions, which we are all being asked daily. And it is a question that Adam cannot answer. He has lost himself in his ego. He has cut himself off from the Soul of Souls. And having done so, he no longer knows where he is. He cannot find himself because his true self can be found only within the context of the Great Self. Lost and confused, Adam does what lost and confused people have done ever since. He hides. It is a senseless move. It is like trying to hide from yourself. The idea is ridiculous. Can the body hide from the mind? Of course not. How then can the self hide from the Great Self? And yet, when we get lost in the ego, we are cursed with this kind of confused thinking, that Hashem is over there and we are over here." How many times have you felt that? I cannot count how many times in my life I have felt myself slipping away and getting caught up in other things, and I stop to think, "How can I pray now? I'm so far away, and He is so far that-a-way... I don't know what to do." The fact is, it doesn't matter where you are, what you are doing or what you were doing. Yahweh is always there, in everything, and He can hear you from anywhere. Why wouldn't He be able to? There is a story I heard from a rabbi: there was a smart little boy who was offered a coin to tell where God is. The little boy replied that he would give out coins if the poser of the question could tell him where God was not.
The thing is, I can understand why someone would think that. They feel so guilty, that the reality of what they fear is that they will be unable to talk to Him through what they have done. This is where het comes in. Het means sin, remember? To miss the mark, to play off-key, etc. It also means to lose yourself- to misplace and displace yourself. Sometimes it is easier to cover it up. The author told a story about going to the dentist. The dentist asked him if it hurt when he tapped on one of his teeth. He answered that it did not. The dentist asked if it ever hurt. The author replied, "Actually, it did awhile back. But I just ignored it, and eventually the pain went away." The dentist laughed, "You know why it doesn't hurt anymore? It's dead." You can let something go for so long, that you don't notice it, and then you don't think about it, and then it's too late. The tooth is dead. A piece of your soul is dead. And you now need an expensive root canal. ;) Don't wait too long. The more you miss, the more you misplace yourself, the more lost you become. The more lost you become, the further away you feel from the Soul of Souls, the harder it is to come back. We forget how easy it is, prayer. Just open your mouth, or perhaps your mind. Those guilty feelings, when you have a hard time praying, usually mean you're slipping and you have something you need to take care of. It could even be anger at Yahweh over something that happened or even didn't happen. You didn't get the job and don't know why. A loved one died, and you don't know why. This relationship is just like the other ones in your life: You must communicate. Talk it out, and work it out. Peace will be waiting at the end.
"The soul is not at home in the ego." You must have a balance. Work, play, peace. I work 20 hours a week, I will be going to school 12 credit hours, and I will have my Sabbath away from it all once a week. During the hours I am not at work or school, I will be doing homework, reading, playing the piano, visiting with friends and family, and watching movies. If you party or work all the time, your soul is lost. If you live in a constant Sabbath, you lose touch with the world. We mustn't even do that; if we lose touch with the world, how will we bless those in it? How would we be blessed in turn by those in it?
On a different note, this chapter also covered how we reach our balance and respond to things correctly. I know it has been a question since the beginning of pain: Why? Why must He do this? Does He do this? The simple answer is that first, it is not revenge. A principle of the Torah is that all that happens to us is for our good and our growth. It is another path offered to help us surpass our egos and reach our goals. Obstacles should be viewed as opportunities, in other words. We should all look for lessons from our experiences, painful or otherwise. A path some take, though, .. and it is easy to take.. is the path of death. Not literally, but figuratively. They feel pain, they push away, they question, they are angry. Many things can lead one to this path. And once you are on it, it is difficult to switch over.
To choose this path, "to choose death, is to lose yourself- your soul- in the ego. To choose death is to identify with that which dies. And upon doing so, you endure the fear of death each day of your life. The fear of death is greater than death. Death happens once. The fear of death happens daily. To live with the constant fear of death is absolutely tragic; it is like choosing death as a way of life. To choose life is to identify with the timeless. To choose life is to find your self within the Great Self. To do that is to let go of fear. To do that is to know that you- the soul- will never die. To do that is to come home."
Our souls need peace. Our characters need a scene. It is important where we find these scenes, and even where we seek our peace. Don't attach your character or soul to something short term. And remember, "The soul is not at home in the ego." Be blessed, and be a blessing to others. Kol tov. :)
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Questions and Answers, I Have for You- from Chapter 7
Question 1. Can you recall a time your soul cried out to bond with a higher reality? What stimulated that yearning?
There have been several times where I have cried out to the Father, either in my mind or with words from my lips. Most of the time it is in prayer for another person, crying out with questions as to why He has not healed them yet, or fixed their financial problems, or why He is letting (more) bad things happen to them. Other times it is for my protection, and that is stimulated from fear. In the car, in the dark, in a crowded place. The rest of the times are during worship, when my whole being longs to be closer. To see. Just to feel His presence. However, times when my soul cried out to bond with Him? Those are probably all during worship, and in giving thankful prayers. I love to give thankful prayers. Those are most likely the ones that help me feel closest. When you are happy, and giving Him all the reasons for your happiness because He is the One that made the feeling of happiness possible... Those are wonderful prayers.
Question 2. Can you identify the different characters you have played in your life? Which of those characters no longer exist?
This question made me think of preteen and teenage years. You change your character so often in those years, sometimes you forget who you played and are embarrassed when someone reminds you. We tend to call them 'phases', but that's only after we are out of them and realize how ridiculous they were. Why do we change who we are so often in those years? Those are the years of growth, that's why. You experiment, seeing which character you will play the rest of your life, or a good portion of it. So please, don't make fun of teenagers because of their constant changes. Help them choose the right ones.
Now, my memory when it comes to my younger years (because I'm so old) is not to be relied upon. I know what happened, most of the time, but I don't remember when. So I will not associate any character with a year of my life unless I truly know beyond a doubt that I'm speaking accurately.
In the youngest years that I could actually have a character, I was a thinker, a reader, someone grasping at loose-ended thoughts and ideas. I don't remember if I told you this before or not, so forgive me if I have. When I was still to enter into my preteen years, I was outside and the leaves were falling from a giant tree we had in our backyard that has since been cut down. All of the leaves falling to the ground was not beautiful to me then, for I thought it looked like the tree was dying. Then I thought of all the people in the world, and how each leaf could represent a person dying. In my child's mind, I told myself that I would save them. That if I could save a leaf from touching the ground, I was saving a person from dying. I tried and tried, but the wind got more rambunctious and I couldn't keep up. I ran around, and then realized it was pointless, and I sat down on the ground and cried. At some later point, either that day or that week, I went to my dad and asked him why so many people had to die. He told me to think of the other side; instead of focusing on all the deaths every day, focus on all the lives being brought into the world every day.
After that, I was a tomboy. Don't ask why, because I haven't been since. I wore ripped jeans, big T-shirts and a bucket hat (... yeah), and gained many scratches that turned into scars for me later. I rode my bike all over the yard, climbed trees, I argued more with neighbor kids, and I .... I.... I spit. Enough of this phase....
There was a week or so long phase consisting of black clothes, hair always down with half of it in my face, pale skin, and a chain on my pants. I left most of that, but kept the hair style for a while. My mom hated it, saying I was shutting out half the world, or something like that. I don't know what I was doing, perhaps just trying to look mysterious, but because I didn't listen to her, I was also doing it out of rebellion.
After that, I don't remember many distinct phases. They all start to blend together in various ways. I know I became more dramatic in my personality for a while in my teen years. Those were not good times. I went through a period of depression and anger, all against my family. There were some changes going on all at once, and I didn't like how they affected my role in the family. That is when I started to write poetry. Of course, all of it was dark and angry, but well written anyway. I told my parents of my depression after a while, and they helped me realize that I was thinking selfishly, often blindly. I opened up more and more, letting people in and realizing that not everyone was my enemy, and have not dealt with depression since.
Unfortunately, after that, I played a girlfriend lost in her man and what he wanted. I had been pretty confident, pretty sure of what I wanted and who I was, and with one emotion it all left me. I will just title that phase as 'confused.' I again became angry at some members of my family, I felt I needed things that I didn't have, that I deserved more respect, more privacy, etc. That I was 18. An adult. After he and I split, I regained who I was, but with more wisdom. It was a necessary process. All you can do is learn, yes?
And here I am. A person of some little experience, a wonderful family, supportive friends, and in love without losing myself. Again, changes are necessary. We weed out who we want to be from what we don't want to see in the mirror. It is a process. Just realize that most phases are not kept. We won't always play that character. Just guide us into a new one.
Question 3. Can you recall times when you felt you were a vehicle for Hashem?
Wow. I will tone that down into just blessing people. I feel too presumptuous thinking of myself as a vehicle for Him. It actually kind of scares me to try to think of one. I'm 20. Maybe later.
I know I have blessed people with my words. I am an advice giver, an encourager. I love to share what is being done in me, I love to share my realizations and lessons learned. Just sharing can teach, you know.
I am told that I bless people with my music, or, rather, the music that I play. I have not written any piece of music (I really wish I had that gift). In fact, just a few weeks ago I was at a youth gathering of the Messianic/Sacred Namer/Old Testament believers, and the youth were doing the service. I had been asked beforehand to play the piano, so I did, shaking the whole time. I need to learn to control my muscles when I'm nervous, because it's getting to be ridiculous. Anyway, I was told 'thank you' by many people later, and one lady actually told me that while I was playing, she saw Yahweh's eye, closed, and then opening with rays of light that shone on me. I honestly didn't know what to say, so I only responded with thanking her. I had not heard anything like that before.
At work, I'm learning more and more that I bless people with a happy countenance. Many patrons come to me saying that half of the reason they come to this library is to see me smile and to talk to me, because (according to them) I'm so sweet. Most of those people are elderly, and I love to see how they leave smiling.
Other than that.. I am not sure. I know I've been told things before from a person who said I blessed them, but I honestly don't remember. Perhaps that's a good thing; I wouldn't want my head to get big. I already feel as if I'm tooting my own horn. However, I wish to say that if you are blessed by someone, let that person know. You bless them in return.
Question 4. Can you think of a person you dislike? What do you dislike about him or her? Can you distinguish that individual's persona from his or her essence?
Yikes. This is too dangerous for the internet, so I will not even go there in this post. Not because there are so many people I dislike, I can honestly only think of two at the moment. I will, however, continue this exercise when I encounter a persona I don't particularly adore. Looking at their essence will help to dissolve anger.
Question 5. Can you think of people you love for themselves and not for their personas?
Of course! I am a sucker for people stuck in their character, when they should move to a new one that fits their soul more. Why? Maybe I want to help, maybe I want to be there when it happens, who knows. All I know, is that I constantly say of those people that, 'they have so much potential!' It saddens me to see them, because I know they know they are trapped in someone they don't want to be, doing something they don't want to do. I suppose that I truly do want to help them, because I encourage them as much as I can. Often, though, I can become frustrated with them, because to me it's so easy, what they have to do, and they aren't doing it. With close friends that are like that, I think I yell more than I encourage softly. Thus, these people are a test for me. To become the encourager and person they need, and not to become wrapped up in who I want them to be so badly that I lose my love for them and gain only frustration. Of late, I was so frustrated with a close friend of mine that I wasn't even able to talk to her without faking my expressions. I realized recently that I need to let go of judgment in order to help more, to listen more. Because a person does not want to talk to another one that is tallying them up against who they think they should be. This is a large fault of mine, judging. A judge cannot be a friend.
To end, I want to share that it is important to help a person reach a potential, yes, but it is also important to listen to those who are trying to tell you. I am at fault in this area too, thinking I am 'all good', and will teach myself. Yahweh put people in your life for a reason, some for you to build up, some to build you up. This process is so lovely. The author says, "I need to be beyond my ego and to see beyond your persona. Then I can love you and help you go beyond your persona, too. Then we can work together to fix and improve the characters we are each playing, and thereby mend the broken vessels to receive the light of love-- the Endless Light of Hashem." Bless, and be blessed.
There have been several times where I have cried out to the Father, either in my mind or with words from my lips. Most of the time it is in prayer for another person, crying out with questions as to why He has not healed them yet, or fixed their financial problems, or why He is letting (more) bad things happen to them. Other times it is for my protection, and that is stimulated from fear. In the car, in the dark, in a crowded place. The rest of the times are during worship, when my whole being longs to be closer. To see. Just to feel His presence. However, times when my soul cried out to bond with Him? Those are probably all during worship, and in giving thankful prayers. I love to give thankful prayers. Those are most likely the ones that help me feel closest. When you are happy, and giving Him all the reasons for your happiness because He is the One that made the feeling of happiness possible... Those are wonderful prayers.
Question 2. Can you identify the different characters you have played in your life? Which of those characters no longer exist?
This question made me think of preteen and teenage years. You change your character so often in those years, sometimes you forget who you played and are embarrassed when someone reminds you. We tend to call them 'phases', but that's only after we are out of them and realize how ridiculous they were. Why do we change who we are so often in those years? Those are the years of growth, that's why. You experiment, seeing which character you will play the rest of your life, or a good portion of it. So please, don't make fun of teenagers because of their constant changes. Help them choose the right ones.
Now, my memory when it comes to my younger years (because I'm so old) is not to be relied upon. I know what happened, most of the time, but I don't remember when. So I will not associate any character with a year of my life unless I truly know beyond a doubt that I'm speaking accurately.
In the youngest years that I could actually have a character, I was a thinker, a reader, someone grasping at loose-ended thoughts and ideas. I don't remember if I told you this before or not, so forgive me if I have. When I was still to enter into my preteen years, I was outside and the leaves were falling from a giant tree we had in our backyard that has since been cut down. All of the leaves falling to the ground was not beautiful to me then, for I thought it looked like the tree was dying. Then I thought of all the people in the world, and how each leaf could represent a person dying. In my child's mind, I told myself that I would save them. That if I could save a leaf from touching the ground, I was saving a person from dying. I tried and tried, but the wind got more rambunctious and I couldn't keep up. I ran around, and then realized it was pointless, and I sat down on the ground and cried. At some later point, either that day or that week, I went to my dad and asked him why so many people had to die. He told me to think of the other side; instead of focusing on all the deaths every day, focus on all the lives being brought into the world every day.
After that, I was a tomboy. Don't ask why, because I haven't been since. I wore ripped jeans, big T-shirts and a bucket hat (... yeah), and gained many scratches that turned into scars for me later. I rode my bike all over the yard, climbed trees, I argued more with neighbor kids, and I .... I.... I spit. Enough of this phase....
There was a week or so long phase consisting of black clothes, hair always down with half of it in my face, pale skin, and a chain on my pants. I left most of that, but kept the hair style for a while. My mom hated it, saying I was shutting out half the world, or something like that. I don't know what I was doing, perhaps just trying to look mysterious, but because I didn't listen to her, I was also doing it out of rebellion.
After that, I don't remember many distinct phases. They all start to blend together in various ways. I know I became more dramatic in my personality for a while in my teen years. Those were not good times. I went through a period of depression and anger, all against my family. There were some changes going on all at once, and I didn't like how they affected my role in the family. That is when I started to write poetry. Of course, all of it was dark and angry, but well written anyway. I told my parents of my depression after a while, and they helped me realize that I was thinking selfishly, often blindly. I opened up more and more, letting people in and realizing that not everyone was my enemy, and have not dealt with depression since.
Unfortunately, after that, I played a girlfriend lost in her man and what he wanted. I had been pretty confident, pretty sure of what I wanted and who I was, and with one emotion it all left me. I will just title that phase as 'confused.' I again became angry at some members of my family, I felt I needed things that I didn't have, that I deserved more respect, more privacy, etc. That I was 18. An adult. After he and I split, I regained who I was, but with more wisdom. It was a necessary process. All you can do is learn, yes?
And here I am. A person of some little experience, a wonderful family, supportive friends, and in love without losing myself. Again, changes are necessary. We weed out who we want to be from what we don't want to see in the mirror. It is a process. Just realize that most phases are not kept. We won't always play that character. Just guide us into a new one.
Question 3. Can you recall times when you felt you were a vehicle for Hashem?
Wow. I will tone that down into just blessing people. I feel too presumptuous thinking of myself as a vehicle for Him. It actually kind of scares me to try to think of one. I'm 20. Maybe later.
I know I have blessed people with my words. I am an advice giver, an encourager. I love to share what is being done in me, I love to share my realizations and lessons learned. Just sharing can teach, you know.
I am told that I bless people with my music, or, rather, the music that I play. I have not written any piece of music (I really wish I had that gift). In fact, just a few weeks ago I was at a youth gathering of the Messianic/Sacred Namer/Old Testament believers, and the youth were doing the service. I had been asked beforehand to play the piano, so I did, shaking the whole time. I need to learn to control my muscles when I'm nervous, because it's getting to be ridiculous. Anyway, I was told 'thank you' by many people later, and one lady actually told me that while I was playing, she saw Yahweh's eye, closed, and then opening with rays of light that shone on me. I honestly didn't know what to say, so I only responded with thanking her. I had not heard anything like that before.
At work, I'm learning more and more that I bless people with a happy countenance. Many patrons come to me saying that half of the reason they come to this library is to see me smile and to talk to me, because (according to them) I'm so sweet. Most of those people are elderly, and I love to see how they leave smiling.
Other than that.. I am not sure. I know I've been told things before from a person who said I blessed them, but I honestly don't remember. Perhaps that's a good thing; I wouldn't want my head to get big. I already feel as if I'm tooting my own horn. However, I wish to say that if you are blessed by someone, let that person know. You bless them in return.
Question 4. Can you think of a person you dislike? What do you dislike about him or her? Can you distinguish that individual's persona from his or her essence?
Yikes. This is too dangerous for the internet, so I will not even go there in this post. Not because there are so many people I dislike, I can honestly only think of two at the moment. I will, however, continue this exercise when I encounter a persona I don't particularly adore. Looking at their essence will help to dissolve anger.
Question 5. Can you think of people you love for themselves and not for their personas?
Of course! I am a sucker for people stuck in their character, when they should move to a new one that fits their soul more. Why? Maybe I want to help, maybe I want to be there when it happens, who knows. All I know, is that I constantly say of those people that, 'they have so much potential!' It saddens me to see them, because I know they know they are trapped in someone they don't want to be, doing something they don't want to do. I suppose that I truly do want to help them, because I encourage them as much as I can. Often, though, I can become frustrated with them, because to me it's so easy, what they have to do, and they aren't doing it. With close friends that are like that, I think I yell more than I encourage softly. Thus, these people are a test for me. To become the encourager and person they need, and not to become wrapped up in who I want them to be so badly that I lose my love for them and gain only frustration. Of late, I was so frustrated with a close friend of mine that I wasn't even able to talk to her without faking my expressions. I realized recently that I need to let go of judgment in order to help more, to listen more. Because a person does not want to talk to another one that is tallying them up against who they think they should be. This is a large fault of mine, judging. A judge cannot be a friend.
To end, I want to share that it is important to help a person reach a potential, yes, but it is also important to listen to those who are trying to tell you. I am at fault in this area too, thinking I am 'all good', and will teach myself. Yahweh put people in your life for a reason, some for you to build up, some to build you up. This process is so lovely. The author says, "I need to be beyond my ego and to see beyond your persona. Then I can love you and help you go beyond your persona, too. Then we can work together to fix and improve the characters we are each playing, and thereby mend the broken vessels to receive the light of love-- the Endless Light of Hashem." Bless, and be blessed.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
How Many of You Can There Be? - Chapter 7
Ah, how I love to be back here typing away. Especially when I have such a chapter as this to share.
"How many times have you heard a person say, 'I don't like myself.'? What does that mean? How do you not like yourself? How can you be both the subject and the object of the sentence? Who is the you that doesn't like yourself? .... we all know on some level that there is the me that is the body and the personality, and then there is some higher level of consciousness that is distinct but has a relationship with the body and personality. For example, we all talk to ourselves. When you do that, whom are you talking to? You know that you are not 2 people. There is one you, and yet within your oneness there is an internal relationship between these parts you call 'me', 'myself'', and 'I'. So I can talk to myself. I can think to myself. I can dislike myself. I can look for myself."
If you are like me, then you've often tried to better yourself. You see the person 'inside' that you want to be on the outside, and you become closer to yourself. You find areas that need improvement, and develop a way to fix them. But how do I do this? Can a flower look at itself and say, "I need to grow,"? Can one thing see itself AND fix itself? It seems like a lot is going on there for one person. People say you need to 'remove yourself from the situation/picture/problem/etc.' in order to solve it. So you step back from yourself to look at yourself? ...Isn't that physically impossible? Perhaps if there were a mirror involved, or... I don't know. In any case, there is a beautiful explanation that doesn't involve mirrors.
Explanation: There is me- the character I play. That is the ego- thoughts and feelings clothing a persona- and the body with it's physical sensations. Then there is my self- the soul. This is the spark of Hashem. This is the conscious self, the knower, the experiencor, the actor who plays the character. And then there is the I- the Great Self, the Soul of Souls, Hashem. Of course, when I say 'I am' it is not Hashem, the Great I, speaking. It is probably the self, the soul, speaking, which is a spark of the Great I. But chances also are it's just me, my ego, speaking.
So there you have it. There are three of you! Or three parts that make up who you are. Either way, there is a lot more of you than meets the eye; but you always knew that, didn't you?
So when you step back from you, you should say, 'Myself has stepped away from me.' Yikes... nevermind, don't say that. Horrible grammar, and you might sound crazy. But I think you get the idea.
The person that is telling yourself to improve is your soul. Easy enough to believe, yes? The part of you that is being told off is your ego, which is also easy to see. That darn ego. And the reason you can do this is because you, the character, realize that there is an actor, yourself, your soul. If a person cannot see the separation of actor and character, what happens? Well, they get too involved in the play that they forget who they really are, and end up like Heath Ledger and the Joker. (That is an extreme example, I know, but it is still a valid one). If you are so wrapped up in who you are playing that your soul, the actor, gets lost or thrown aside, then there is no fixing you. There is no part to step away and look at the other part of you and say, "Look buddy! This body is big enough for the two of us!" On a more serious note: not only can you not see yourself if the soul is lost in the ego, but you cannot experience the fire your spark came from.
An analogy: Let's say you see a man running down the street wearing a blue uniform with a badge. You would be safe to assume that he is a policeman. The garment indicates the role he is playing, but not who he is. He might go home, put on some sweat pants, and go running again. Now, he is an athlete. Your garment is never your essence. The clothes you wear are not you, they are on you. Similarly, your character is not you. So you must never confuse the two.
I like this part, because it shows that there is not one role you are playing (unless you are very lucky). You know when you see someone act one way in a setting and a different way in another? Most people call that two-faced, yes? I would like to agree. But not in the same negative emotion others have when they say one is two-faced. And I would also like to ask a question: are you the same way in an interview for the job you have always wanted as you are at your 21'st birthday bash? I would think not. Is that wrong? NO! You are you in both places, just putting to the forefront different aspects of who you are! Because we all play different roles, even with one character. I am not the same at work as I am at home. I am not the same at home as I am at an assembley. I am not the same at an assembley as I am at a recital I'm performing at. I am not the same at a recital as I am when I am with Aaron. I am not the same with Aaron as I am with any other man on earth. ( I just realized that ) And I shouldn't be. If I were the same all the time any place ever... I can bet I would not be liked in every setting. And what is amazing is how the character can do all of this and keep its sanity. Know how? Only because the character and the actor are separated. You must have your soul.
A story: Hashem told Abraham, "Go forth from your country, from your birthplace, and from your father's house, to a land that I will show you. I will make you into a great nation, I will bless you and make you great." What was Hashem really asking Abraham to do? The Hebrew text is very specific; however, most translations miss the point. Hashem told Abraham, "lech lecha," which literally translates as, "go to yourself." But how can you tell a man such a thing when you are also telling him to leave his country, his birthplace, and his parents' home? Are these not the basic foundations of his identity? Is he not a Mesopotamian, a citizen of Haran, the son of Terah? The answer is yes. But Hashem was asking him to make a spiritual journey toward a new identity. This is clear from the order of instructions. To start on a physical journey, Abraham would logically first leave his father's house, then his birthplace, and then his country, but the order is reversed. That is because this is a journey in search of a new identity, and therefore the sequence of departure was given in the order of psychological difficulty of severing attachments. Abraham had to let go of all that was familiar and reach a new identity based on his identification with Hashem.
"In Kabbalah, ego consciousness is a state called klipah, literally meaning 'hard shell'. You become encased in a hard shell that separates you from the Divine I." The author uses the example of a pianist, which I can relate to: if you are a pianist who is ego conscious, and you have a feeling when you are onstage that "there is the audience, there is me, this is my piano, and this is my music," then it will never come together. You have to crack open that shell and let go. You have to become the music and let the Great Musician play through you, whether you admit it publicly or not. So the joy, the ecstasy of a person in a creative moment is really this strange kind of I-consciousness, rather than ego consciousness or self-consciousness. This experience resembles what the Kabbalah refers to as become a merkava, which literally means 'chariot'. You feel like a vehicle for a higher spirit and you are humbled and grateful, not haughty or arrogant.
You need your soul to hear from your Creator, to feel your Creator, to be close to your Creator. You also need your soul to relate to the souls of others. With only an ego, you have no sympathy, certainly not any empathy. With only an ego, you cannot relate to, understand, perhaps even be kind to the souls of others, because you will not see them. You will see their egos, and you will both have a wonderful relationship of personas. With a soul that is connected to your Creator, your relationships with others are changed. I've seen and experienced this myself every time I go through a 'time to fix this'. I treat my family differently, I respond to events differently, I open up to and listen to others, because my soul is in tune with where it came from; because I care. 'Love your neighbor as yourself' is not just about the recipient. If you do not love yourself, you cannot love the self in someone else. (Remember that 'self' is soul)
Now, how this affects your most personal, prized, intimate relationship is huuuuuuge.
A quote: most people believe in a soul connection. However, when they start looking for love, they often confuse the persona with the soul and get trapped in a kind of shopping mode, looking for what a person has rather than who a person is.
THE question: are you looking for a persona partner, or a soul mate?
Advice: Lists can sometimes get in the way of meeting your soul mate. If you list the characteristics of the person you think you could love, then when you meet a person who seems to fit your description, you will love those characteristics, not the soul. We all want to be loved for who we are, even if we ourselves are not certain who we are. And so we seek reassurances, "Why do you love me?" we ask, "what is the reason?"
Now, I am not against lists when it comes to the very fundamental things. Like, I would not be with a man who is not a believer, and, more importantly, a doer. There are also goals that must match, such as wanting a family. BUT, taken too far, lists can be detrimental to the searching process. I have witnessed this. I know a man (not naming names), who is a bachelor because girls are too tall, too short, too talkative, too shy, too, too, too, too! I know another person who is in a relationship with a tall, dark, and handsome Christian man... who she knew approximately 8 days before they decided to be together. On the other side of the advice above, I know someone else who has been in serious relationships perhaps 3 or 4 times, lived with girls, etc., and is still unmarried. He has currently been with the same girl for over 2 years. They work together, they live together, and she wants to be married. His answer? He still wants to get to know her, he wants to figure everything out first. He wants to know all the whys, all the hows. He still, at 30something, needs reassurance. He still is not sure of who he is or what he wants.
It is a difficult thing, this relationship. What is even more difficult is the reason behind the relationship. I LOVE the answer the author's wife gave him when he asked her why she loved him, "There is no reason why I love you. If there was, I would be in love with the reason, not you."
My conclusion to this post is a hard one, because we just covered so much, and then the author threw the whole love and relationships thing in there so that it's even harder to wrap it all up in a neat, little package. I mean, we just learned that there are three parts of us in one body, which is hard enough to have a conclusion to, and now I have to work in other things!
Thankfully, I think you get the whole point. The point is that there are many points. There is the point of the character, the ego: without which, the soul would have nothing to better, and no reason to be. There is the point of the soul: to better the character, to love the souls of others and see past the egos. There is the point of the Divine I (and just the point covered in this post!): the soul would not exist, the spark needs a fire to come from. And there is the point of throwing in the love thing: because all three parts of you must be involved to have a working, wonderful relationship with anyone.
And after all of that, the questions and answers to this chapter will come at a later date.
"How many times have you heard a person say, 'I don't like myself.'? What does that mean? How do you not like yourself? How can you be both the subject and the object of the sentence? Who is the you that doesn't like yourself? .... we all know on some level that there is the me that is the body and the personality, and then there is some higher level of consciousness that is distinct but has a relationship with the body and personality. For example, we all talk to ourselves. When you do that, whom are you talking to? You know that you are not 2 people. There is one you, and yet within your oneness there is an internal relationship between these parts you call 'me', 'myself'', and 'I'. So I can talk to myself. I can think to myself. I can dislike myself. I can look for myself."
If you are like me, then you've often tried to better yourself. You see the person 'inside' that you want to be on the outside, and you become closer to yourself. You find areas that need improvement, and develop a way to fix them. But how do I do this? Can a flower look at itself and say, "I need to grow,"? Can one thing see itself AND fix itself? It seems like a lot is going on there for one person. People say you need to 'remove yourself from the situation/picture/problem/etc.' in order to solve it. So you step back from yourself to look at yourself? ...Isn't that physically impossible? Perhaps if there were a mirror involved, or... I don't know. In any case, there is a beautiful explanation that doesn't involve mirrors.
Explanation: There is me- the character I play. That is the ego- thoughts and feelings clothing a persona- and the body with it's physical sensations. Then there is my self- the soul. This is the spark of Hashem. This is the conscious self, the knower, the experiencor, the actor who plays the character. And then there is the I- the Great Self, the Soul of Souls, Hashem. Of course, when I say 'I am' it is not Hashem, the Great I, speaking. It is probably the self, the soul, speaking, which is a spark of the Great I. But chances also are it's just me, my ego, speaking.
So there you have it. There are three of you! Or three parts that make up who you are. Either way, there is a lot more of you than meets the eye; but you always knew that, didn't you?
So when you step back from you, you should say, 'Myself has stepped away from me.' Yikes... nevermind, don't say that. Horrible grammar, and you might sound crazy. But I think you get the idea.
The person that is telling yourself to improve is your soul. Easy enough to believe, yes? The part of you that is being told off is your ego, which is also easy to see. That darn ego. And the reason you can do this is because you, the character, realize that there is an actor, yourself, your soul. If a person cannot see the separation of actor and character, what happens? Well, they get too involved in the play that they forget who they really are, and end up like Heath Ledger and the Joker. (That is an extreme example, I know, but it is still a valid one). If you are so wrapped up in who you are playing that your soul, the actor, gets lost or thrown aside, then there is no fixing you. There is no part to step away and look at the other part of you and say, "Look buddy! This body is big enough for the two of us!" On a more serious note: not only can you not see yourself if the soul is lost in the ego, but you cannot experience the fire your spark came from.
An analogy: Let's say you see a man running down the street wearing a blue uniform with a badge. You would be safe to assume that he is a policeman. The garment indicates the role he is playing, but not who he is. He might go home, put on some sweat pants, and go running again. Now, he is an athlete. Your garment is never your essence. The clothes you wear are not you, they are on you. Similarly, your character is not you. So you must never confuse the two.
I like this part, because it shows that there is not one role you are playing (unless you are very lucky). You know when you see someone act one way in a setting and a different way in another? Most people call that two-faced, yes? I would like to agree. But not in the same negative emotion others have when they say one is two-faced. And I would also like to ask a question: are you the same way in an interview for the job you have always wanted as you are at your 21'st birthday bash? I would think not. Is that wrong? NO! You are you in both places, just putting to the forefront different aspects of who you are! Because we all play different roles, even with one character. I am not the same at work as I am at home. I am not the same at home as I am at an assembley. I am not the same at an assembley as I am at a recital I'm performing at. I am not the same at a recital as I am when I am with Aaron. I am not the same with Aaron as I am with any other man on earth. ( I just realized that ) And I shouldn't be. If I were the same all the time any place ever... I can bet I would not be liked in every setting. And what is amazing is how the character can do all of this and keep its sanity. Know how? Only because the character and the actor are separated. You must have your soul.
A story: Hashem told Abraham, "Go forth from your country, from your birthplace, and from your father's house, to a land that I will show you. I will make you into a great nation, I will bless you and make you great." What was Hashem really asking Abraham to do? The Hebrew text is very specific; however, most translations miss the point. Hashem told Abraham, "lech lecha," which literally translates as, "go to yourself." But how can you tell a man such a thing when you are also telling him to leave his country, his birthplace, and his parents' home? Are these not the basic foundations of his identity? Is he not a Mesopotamian, a citizen of Haran, the son of Terah? The answer is yes. But Hashem was asking him to make a spiritual journey toward a new identity. This is clear from the order of instructions. To start on a physical journey, Abraham would logically first leave his father's house, then his birthplace, and then his country, but the order is reversed. That is because this is a journey in search of a new identity, and therefore the sequence of departure was given in the order of psychological difficulty of severing attachments. Abraham had to let go of all that was familiar and reach a new identity based on his identification with Hashem.
"In Kabbalah, ego consciousness is a state called klipah, literally meaning 'hard shell'. You become encased in a hard shell that separates you from the Divine I." The author uses the example of a pianist, which I can relate to: if you are a pianist who is ego conscious, and you have a feeling when you are onstage that "there is the audience, there is me, this is my piano, and this is my music," then it will never come together. You have to crack open that shell and let go. You have to become the music and let the Great Musician play through you, whether you admit it publicly or not. So the joy, the ecstasy of a person in a creative moment is really this strange kind of I-consciousness, rather than ego consciousness or self-consciousness. This experience resembles what the Kabbalah refers to as become a merkava, which literally means 'chariot'. You feel like a vehicle for a higher spirit and you are humbled and grateful, not haughty or arrogant.
You need your soul to hear from your Creator, to feel your Creator, to be close to your Creator. You also need your soul to relate to the souls of others. With only an ego, you have no sympathy, certainly not any empathy. With only an ego, you cannot relate to, understand, perhaps even be kind to the souls of others, because you will not see them. You will see their egos, and you will both have a wonderful relationship of personas. With a soul that is connected to your Creator, your relationships with others are changed. I've seen and experienced this myself every time I go through a 'time to fix this'. I treat my family differently, I respond to events differently, I open up to and listen to others, because my soul is in tune with where it came from; because I care. 'Love your neighbor as yourself' is not just about the recipient. If you do not love yourself, you cannot love the self in someone else. (Remember that 'self' is soul)
Now, how this affects your most personal, prized, intimate relationship is huuuuuuge.
A quote: most people believe in a soul connection. However, when they start looking for love, they often confuse the persona with the soul and get trapped in a kind of shopping mode, looking for what a person has rather than who a person is.
THE question: are you looking for a persona partner, or a soul mate?
Advice: Lists can sometimes get in the way of meeting your soul mate. If you list the characteristics of the person you think you could love, then when you meet a person who seems to fit your description, you will love those characteristics, not the soul. We all want to be loved for who we are, even if we ourselves are not certain who we are. And so we seek reassurances, "Why do you love me?" we ask, "what is the reason?"
Now, I am not against lists when it comes to the very fundamental things. Like, I would not be with a man who is not a believer, and, more importantly, a doer. There are also goals that must match, such as wanting a family. BUT, taken too far, lists can be detrimental to the searching process. I have witnessed this. I know a man (not naming names), who is a bachelor because girls are too tall, too short, too talkative, too shy, too, too, too, too! I know another person who is in a relationship with a tall, dark, and handsome Christian man... who she knew approximately 8 days before they decided to be together. On the other side of the advice above, I know someone else who has been in serious relationships perhaps 3 or 4 times, lived with girls, etc., and is still unmarried. He has currently been with the same girl for over 2 years. They work together, they live together, and she wants to be married. His answer? He still wants to get to know her, he wants to figure everything out first. He wants to know all the whys, all the hows. He still, at 30something, needs reassurance. He still is not sure of who he is or what he wants.
It is a difficult thing, this relationship. What is even more difficult is the reason behind the relationship. I LOVE the answer the author's wife gave him when he asked her why she loved him, "There is no reason why I love you. If there was, I would be in love with the reason, not you."
My conclusion to this post is a hard one, because we just covered so much, and then the author threw the whole love and relationships thing in there so that it's even harder to wrap it all up in a neat, little package. I mean, we just learned that there are three parts of us in one body, which is hard enough to have a conclusion to, and now I have to work in other things!
Thankfully, I think you get the whole point. The point is that there are many points. There is the point of the character, the ego: without which, the soul would have nothing to better, and no reason to be. There is the point of the soul: to better the character, to love the souls of others and see past the egos. There is the point of the Divine I (and just the point covered in this post!): the soul would not exist, the spark needs a fire to come from. And there is the point of throwing in the love thing: because all three parts of you must be involved to have a working, wonderful relationship with anyone.
And after all of that, the questions and answers to this chapter will come at a later date.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Levels- Chapter 6
Levels of Soul
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Yechida Universal Soul- yearning to love Hashem
Chaya Collective Soul- sense of self transcendence
Neshama Meaningful Thought- sense of an ideal
Ruach Meaningful Speech- sense of truth
Nefesh Meaningful Action- sense of good and bad
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Animalistic Soul Life Force-consciousness of needs for survival
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(^read from the bottom up^)
In this chapter, there is a lot of technical stuff- terminology, etc. Some of the lines drawn between one level of soul and the next, to me, are very fuzzy. I might actually have put some of the levels together, like meaningful action and meaningful speech. This chapter isn't really concrete, and I have to be honest and say that I didn't really get into it. However, I will try to give you the basic ideas. The problem is, that involves a lot of quotes.....
Level 1
"The Kabbalah tells us that, of the 5 levels of the soul, the first 3 can be understood as degrees of light that enter our bodies. The last 2 levels of soul can be understood as light that encompasses us. The soul is both an inner light- immanent- and an outer, encompassing light- transcendent. The first level of soul, called nefesh, gives you an intuitive knowledge that you could not get from the external world. This kind of knowledge feels very deep and very real, as something that you know from inside yourself. You intuit that your actions can be meaningful. If someone said to you, 'Show me meaning. Pick it up. Put it in a box,' you wouldn't be able to do it. And yet you are sure that when you give money to a needy person that this act of charity is meaningful. How do you know that? How can you prove it? You can't put your action under a microscope and examine it physically. But that doesn't matter to you personally, because you experienced what you did as meaningful. You know this from inside yourself. So your nefesh gives you the sense that your actions can be meaningful. And not only that, it also gives you the sense that your actions should be meaningful."
Now, people can take this and say that most of our lives are not meaningful. We aren't building homes for the homeless, we aren't on our knees 24/7 praying, we aren't donating bone marrow on the weekend, etc. I would tend to disagree. There is always meaning. You just have to look for it.
Take factory work. One person doing the same thing over and over and over and over and... all day. One might say, "That is not meaningful work. How can he do that day after day?" They could ask him, and be surprised by his response. He's putting food on the table for his family. He's making a living, he's actually working hard. Providing is meaningful. And go the other way; if he's working on a car assembly line, and doesn't do his job properly, there could be a problem serious enough with the car that the owner could get into a crash. If you don't do what you know to be your job, it affects other people. And that is nefesh to me. A chain reaction. Do something good, affect a life in a positive way, and you are an example the receiver will carry. Same goes the other way. And just look at the case with the car. You can apply that to almost everything.
"To toil without meaning, to lead a life without meaning, is the greatest torture you can endure because it attacks the soul, not just the body. A human being cannot live this way. He will lose his will to live; he will get sick and die. Or he will obliterate his feelings with drugs and alcohol. Or he will struggle to break away to find something that gives him even a shred of meaning."
( Prisoners, according to the author, are told to do meaningless work. Dig a hole and fill it. Move rocks from here to there. I never knew that. I wonder if it bothers them.)
"In addition to meaning, the nefesh gives us an awareness of good and bad. It makes us want to feel that we are good... And if we should do something that is bad, then the nefesh demands that we justify our actions. That is why we search so hard for motivation behind the acts of criminals. How could he have murdered his father? It must have been in self defense. Or he was on drugs and didn't know what he was doing. Or he was insane. An act that seems to have no justification we tend to label as irrational."
I don't do this with criminals. I wonder why, and then see there was no good reason. There was no good 'why'. I was part of a team at school, in my American Government class, to reinstate the death penalty. So many get away with pleading insanity, or are given shorter terms, etc. And we wonder why we have repeat offenders. I do this, though, with people I am close to. Those people, I want to find a way to make better. They did this? Well it's because of this in their childhood, they're going through hard times, they were pressured, they were trying to impress this person, etc. The truth is, some people don't think. And none of us think all the time. Beware of your actions when your decision making skills aren't at their peak.
Level 2
"Ruach gives us a sense of truth... And with the sense of truth comes a feeling that words can convey this truth, whatever it is. This goes along with the idea that just as our actions have meaning, so our words have meaning. ... Did you ever wonder why a magician, just before he pulls a rabbit from an empty hat, says, 'Abracadabra'? Abra Kadavra is Hebrew, and it means 'I will create with words.' Hocus pocus' is pseudo-Latin for the same thing."
I believe this is self-explanatory. Look at all great leaders throughout history. Count how many speeches they gave. When you are accused of something, is your first reaction to defeat this accusation with how you act, or is it to defend yourself with your words?
Level 3
"At age 20, according to Kabbalah, we reach the level called neshama, and the neshama knows there is meaning not just in good and bad actions, and words, but in thought, although abstract. When we connect to the neshama, we begin to recognize the value of ideas and ideals. The Midrash says that before the neshama comes into the world, it's taken to the Garden of Eden and shown the rewards of performing it's mission. It then takes an oath that it's going to be the best it can be. So we come into this world with a sense of mission- an ideal self to strive for. This is why simply doing the right thing and avoiding the wrong thing doesn't satisfy us. We want to do more than just what is right. We want to understand our unique role in this world."
I believe I reached this level before 20, and I think a lot of others did/do. It may be because we're in a time where 'deep thoughts' are appreciated and recognized and popular. I remember saying something to someone, and that person saying, "Wow, that's so deep. Did you think of that yourself?" What I had said, to me, was just common sense. Maybe I just used big words...? Anyway, the point is, your thoughts carry an influence. They influence your actions. Your words. Think on righteous things, and you will be led to commit righteous deeds. Think selflessly, and you will be selfless. Think on worldly things, like facebook, a new car, your appearance, and you will eventually place more value on these things than you should.
"We might also say that besides the recognition of the value of ideas and ideals and the yearning for purity, the neshama is the awareness that we are entitled to happiness in this world. Happiness comes when we are in step, in sync, with who we are supposed to be. The neshama knows that I am special, I have a unique calling, and I can be fulfilled and happy by being who I am supposed to be. I am not an accident. I was created with purpose by a Creator who intended me to be. I have meaning because I was meant to be."
Level 4
"The nefesh, the ruach, and the neshama are the 3 levels of soul known as inner lights, as the Kabbalah says. They illustrate our path from within, each to a greater degree. they are levels of consciousness about ourselves and the world, about Hashem. The next 2 levels of soul can be understood as outer lights. They encompass us. And to reach these higher levels, you really have to climb the ladder of yourself. The next level of soul is called chaya. Chaya is the collective soul. In this way you experience your individual self within the context of the collective self of your people. Because of chaya, you feel a need to love and be loved, to belong. Chaya generates the yearning to be a part of a greater community, the realization that as an individual, I really have no meaning unless I belong to a larger whole."
Again, I didn't really get into this chapter, and part of the reason was because we have already discussed some of these things. How we are all connected, how our actions have consequences, how you can be an example either way, etc. I understand why the author is teaching it, and perhaps that he is trying to reinforce the other concepts covered, to connect them all. That's great. But I'm not going to rewrite the concepts week after week. :P
Now, take a different look at it. Another reason the author may be teaching this chapter is to show that the concepts taught already are things we are driven about/towards because of these levels of our selves, of our souls. If that is the case, I can get through the rest of this chapter with greater interest.
Level 5
"The next level of soul is yechida, which is a sense of identification with the ultimate, the Universal Soul. Only the first human beings had this sense- before they were thrown out of the Garden of Eden. ...Yechida yearns to love Hashem as we are commanded, with all our heart, with all our soul, with all our might. ...We yearn to pulse withe the rhythm of Hashem. The soul cries out to bond with the All in All. And yet, despite this call of the soul, most seem to have a hard time hearing it. Why? Because the ego sends a lot of interference. The ego gives the self the false sense of independence, severed from any greater context, like the tuba player who wants to play solo. The key is self awareness- understanding who is the real you."
I see this level and level 3 as connecting more than the others. You have to understand who you are, place enough importance on yourself to give yourself meaning and purpose, and then you have to attain perspective. You have to see that though you are special, unique, etc., it is only because of Someone bigger than you. Realize who you are, and then WHERE you are. A friend of mine once said something about humility: Humility is only taking up as much space as you're supposed to. Don't put yourself down, don't degrade yourself and think less of who you are than you should. But don't try to be bigger than you are. Don't build a tower to the skies, riding on your ego. Know who you are, and recognize the space you take up with yourself. Is it too small? Is it too big?
Questions
1. What activities in your daily life do you consider meaningful? What makes them so?
Talking to Aaron- because I am building more of a relationship, growing close, learning more. Talking to my family- keeping informed and inside of my family's life makes me feel connected to a bigger picture. I also look to encourage and guide my siblings when I can. Practicing the piano- it pleases others when I play, so I want to play well. Working out- not taking health and strength for granted, and not wanting to be a burden in the future to my family and/or kids. Praying for Mr. Wells- to think of others in a selfless way, to be concerned because it affects someone you love, is very meaningful. Praying when I drive- I'm reminding myself that I am not only in my hands, and reminding Yahweh at the same time! ;) Praying for Aaron- I am devoting time to him even when he doesn't know it, voicing concerns on his behalf, praying for his day, for his rest, for his spirit. Going the extra mile, being cheerful when at work or out of the house- because to brighten someone's mood for only a moment is wonderful to me.
4. Can you identify a cause or ideal that you would be willing to sacrifice your life for? If so, why?
Family. I would die for any member of my family. For any member of Aaron's family. For any member of the LeCronier family. For lots of families. Because I could do a few things. 1. Save a life 2. Save others from a stronger grief 3. Let someone else reach their potential.
Family is a cause, one I believe in wholeheartedly. One that I see suffer almost daily at my job. And it saddens me to witness the ignored child, the depressed mother, the beaten-down father. Because it's a cycle. You generally raise your kids as you were raised. 'You marry your father'. Etc. If all strong families were wiped out, I honestly think it would be then that the world would truly be done.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yechida Universal Soul- yearning to love Hashem
Chaya Collective Soul- sense of self transcendence
Neshama Meaningful Thought- sense of an ideal
Ruach Meaningful Speech- sense of truth
Nefesh Meaningful Action- sense of good and bad
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Animalistic Soul Life Force-consciousness of needs for survival
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(^read from the bottom up^)
In this chapter, there is a lot of technical stuff- terminology, etc. Some of the lines drawn between one level of soul and the next, to me, are very fuzzy. I might actually have put some of the levels together, like meaningful action and meaningful speech. This chapter isn't really concrete, and I have to be honest and say that I didn't really get into it. However, I will try to give you the basic ideas. The problem is, that involves a lot of quotes.....
Level 1
"The Kabbalah tells us that, of the 5 levels of the soul, the first 3 can be understood as degrees of light that enter our bodies. The last 2 levels of soul can be understood as light that encompasses us. The soul is both an inner light- immanent- and an outer, encompassing light- transcendent. The first level of soul, called nefesh, gives you an intuitive knowledge that you could not get from the external world. This kind of knowledge feels very deep and very real, as something that you know from inside yourself. You intuit that your actions can be meaningful. If someone said to you, 'Show me meaning. Pick it up. Put it in a box,' you wouldn't be able to do it. And yet you are sure that when you give money to a needy person that this act of charity is meaningful. How do you know that? How can you prove it? You can't put your action under a microscope and examine it physically. But that doesn't matter to you personally, because you experienced what you did as meaningful. You know this from inside yourself. So your nefesh gives you the sense that your actions can be meaningful. And not only that, it also gives you the sense that your actions should be meaningful."
Now, people can take this and say that most of our lives are not meaningful. We aren't building homes for the homeless, we aren't on our knees 24/7 praying, we aren't donating bone marrow on the weekend, etc. I would tend to disagree. There is always meaning. You just have to look for it.
Take factory work. One person doing the same thing over and over and over and over and... all day. One might say, "That is not meaningful work. How can he do that day after day?" They could ask him, and be surprised by his response. He's putting food on the table for his family. He's making a living, he's actually working hard. Providing is meaningful. And go the other way; if he's working on a car assembly line, and doesn't do his job properly, there could be a problem serious enough with the car that the owner could get into a crash. If you don't do what you know to be your job, it affects other people. And that is nefesh to me. A chain reaction. Do something good, affect a life in a positive way, and you are an example the receiver will carry. Same goes the other way. And just look at the case with the car. You can apply that to almost everything.
"To toil without meaning, to lead a life without meaning, is the greatest torture you can endure because it attacks the soul, not just the body. A human being cannot live this way. He will lose his will to live; he will get sick and die. Or he will obliterate his feelings with drugs and alcohol. Or he will struggle to break away to find something that gives him even a shred of meaning."
( Prisoners, according to the author, are told to do meaningless work. Dig a hole and fill it. Move rocks from here to there. I never knew that. I wonder if it bothers them.)
"In addition to meaning, the nefesh gives us an awareness of good and bad. It makes us want to feel that we are good... And if we should do something that is bad, then the nefesh demands that we justify our actions. That is why we search so hard for motivation behind the acts of criminals. How could he have murdered his father? It must have been in self defense. Or he was on drugs and didn't know what he was doing. Or he was insane. An act that seems to have no justification we tend to label as irrational."
I don't do this with criminals. I wonder why, and then see there was no good reason. There was no good 'why'. I was part of a team at school, in my American Government class, to reinstate the death penalty. So many get away with pleading insanity, or are given shorter terms, etc. And we wonder why we have repeat offenders. I do this, though, with people I am close to. Those people, I want to find a way to make better. They did this? Well it's because of this in their childhood, they're going through hard times, they were pressured, they were trying to impress this person, etc. The truth is, some people don't think. And none of us think all the time. Beware of your actions when your decision making skills aren't at their peak.
Level 2
"Ruach gives us a sense of truth... And with the sense of truth comes a feeling that words can convey this truth, whatever it is. This goes along with the idea that just as our actions have meaning, so our words have meaning. ... Did you ever wonder why a magician, just before he pulls a rabbit from an empty hat, says, 'Abracadabra'? Abra Kadavra is Hebrew, and it means 'I will create with words.' Hocus pocus' is pseudo-Latin for the same thing."
I believe this is self-explanatory. Look at all great leaders throughout history. Count how many speeches they gave. When you are accused of something, is your first reaction to defeat this accusation with how you act, or is it to defend yourself with your words?
Level 3
"At age 20, according to Kabbalah, we reach the level called neshama, and the neshama knows there is meaning not just in good and bad actions, and words, but in thought, although abstract. When we connect to the neshama, we begin to recognize the value of ideas and ideals. The Midrash says that before the neshama comes into the world, it's taken to the Garden of Eden and shown the rewards of performing it's mission. It then takes an oath that it's going to be the best it can be. So we come into this world with a sense of mission- an ideal self to strive for. This is why simply doing the right thing and avoiding the wrong thing doesn't satisfy us. We want to do more than just what is right. We want to understand our unique role in this world."
I believe I reached this level before 20, and I think a lot of others did/do. It may be because we're in a time where 'deep thoughts' are appreciated and recognized and popular. I remember saying something to someone, and that person saying, "Wow, that's so deep. Did you think of that yourself?" What I had said, to me, was just common sense. Maybe I just used big words...? Anyway, the point is, your thoughts carry an influence. They influence your actions. Your words. Think on righteous things, and you will be led to commit righteous deeds. Think selflessly, and you will be selfless. Think on worldly things, like facebook, a new car, your appearance, and you will eventually place more value on these things than you should.
"We might also say that besides the recognition of the value of ideas and ideals and the yearning for purity, the neshama is the awareness that we are entitled to happiness in this world. Happiness comes when we are in step, in sync, with who we are supposed to be. The neshama knows that I am special, I have a unique calling, and I can be fulfilled and happy by being who I am supposed to be. I am not an accident. I was created with purpose by a Creator who intended me to be. I have meaning because I was meant to be."
Level 4
"The nefesh, the ruach, and the neshama are the 3 levels of soul known as inner lights, as the Kabbalah says. They illustrate our path from within, each to a greater degree. they are levels of consciousness about ourselves and the world, about Hashem. The next 2 levels of soul can be understood as outer lights. They encompass us. And to reach these higher levels, you really have to climb the ladder of yourself. The next level of soul is called chaya. Chaya is the collective soul. In this way you experience your individual self within the context of the collective self of your people. Because of chaya, you feel a need to love and be loved, to belong. Chaya generates the yearning to be a part of a greater community, the realization that as an individual, I really have no meaning unless I belong to a larger whole."
Again, I didn't really get into this chapter, and part of the reason was because we have already discussed some of these things. How we are all connected, how our actions have consequences, how you can be an example either way, etc. I understand why the author is teaching it, and perhaps that he is trying to reinforce the other concepts covered, to connect them all. That's great. But I'm not going to rewrite the concepts week after week. :P
Now, take a different look at it. Another reason the author may be teaching this chapter is to show that the concepts taught already are things we are driven about/towards because of these levels of our selves, of our souls. If that is the case, I can get through the rest of this chapter with greater interest.
Level 5
"The next level of soul is yechida, which is a sense of identification with the ultimate, the Universal Soul. Only the first human beings had this sense- before they were thrown out of the Garden of Eden. ...Yechida yearns to love Hashem as we are commanded, with all our heart, with all our soul, with all our might. ...We yearn to pulse withe the rhythm of Hashem. The soul cries out to bond with the All in All. And yet, despite this call of the soul, most seem to have a hard time hearing it. Why? Because the ego sends a lot of interference. The ego gives the self the false sense of independence, severed from any greater context, like the tuba player who wants to play solo. The key is self awareness- understanding who is the real you."
I see this level and level 3 as connecting more than the others. You have to understand who you are, place enough importance on yourself to give yourself meaning and purpose, and then you have to attain perspective. You have to see that though you are special, unique, etc., it is only because of Someone bigger than you. Realize who you are, and then WHERE you are. A friend of mine once said something about humility: Humility is only taking up as much space as you're supposed to. Don't put yourself down, don't degrade yourself and think less of who you are than you should. But don't try to be bigger than you are. Don't build a tower to the skies, riding on your ego. Know who you are, and recognize the space you take up with yourself. Is it too small? Is it too big?
Questions
1. What activities in your daily life do you consider meaningful? What makes them so?
Talking to Aaron- because I am building more of a relationship, growing close, learning more. Talking to my family- keeping informed and inside of my family's life makes me feel connected to a bigger picture. I also look to encourage and guide my siblings when I can. Practicing the piano- it pleases others when I play, so I want to play well. Working out- not taking health and strength for granted, and not wanting to be a burden in the future to my family and/or kids. Praying for Mr. Wells- to think of others in a selfless way, to be concerned because it affects someone you love, is very meaningful. Praying when I drive- I'm reminding myself that I am not only in my hands, and reminding Yahweh at the same time! ;) Praying for Aaron- I am devoting time to him even when he doesn't know it, voicing concerns on his behalf, praying for his day, for his rest, for his spirit. Going the extra mile, being cheerful when at work or out of the house- because to brighten someone's mood for only a moment is wonderful to me.
4. Can you identify a cause or ideal that you would be willing to sacrifice your life for? If so, why?
Family. I would die for any member of my family. For any member of Aaron's family. For any member of the LeCronier family. For lots of families. Because I could do a few things. 1. Save a life 2. Save others from a stronger grief 3. Let someone else reach their potential.
Family is a cause, one I believe in wholeheartedly. One that I see suffer almost daily at my job. And it saddens me to witness the ignored child, the depressed mother, the beaten-down father. Because it's a cycle. You generally raise your kids as you were raised. 'You marry your father'. Etc. If all strong families were wiped out, I honestly think it would be then that the world would truly be done.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Questions- Chapter 5
First, I will inform you that I will be taking a week off for this week's post. It has been a tiring week for me, and I have found it hard to keep track of what I am and am not doing for some reason. Just a bit frazzled. Also, this weekend is busy with the arrival of Father's Day AND my dad's birthday! Thus, we will resume next Saturday with chapter 6.
Question 1. Which aspects of you life are controlled by fate? Which aspects of your life are controlled by your choices?
The aspects controlled by fate are the aspects that happen to me, and aren't someone else's choice. I chose to go to court, the officer chose to not show up and then reschedule for later. It wasn't fate that I had to go back, it was the officer. Fate is that the officer just happened to be at the same intersection when I ran a yellow light.
I believe it was fate that after not seeing the Wells family in a very long time, some of them showed up at a hayride in Indiana where I was with friends. Aaron then chose to talk to me, and I chose to get to know him all over again.
It is very hard to pin point fate, while it is easy to see where I choose. Fate is not so obvious, and I don't believe we'd like it if it was.
Question 2. Can you recall a time where fate guided you toward a major choice?
I haven't made many major choices in my 20 years of life. I've bought 3 cars, I have had the same job since I was 17 (thankfully, I've moved up and so has the pay), I've fought one ticket, gone to school for a degree, and have been in 2 relationships. Not much to speak of there...
The biggest choice I've made thus far, when it comes to how long I thought about it and the whole process behind it, was to be with Aaron. And I do think fate had a heavy hand in that. The timing was amazing. We met while I was in my last month of being with Dan. Aaron knew me while I 'loved' Dan, Aaron helped me try to keep Dan and I together while we were crashing apart, and Aaron kept me level headed when it was over with. During a time in my life when a lot of new things were going on, starting school, driving more, more responsibilities at work, etc., Aaron was there with experience, understanding, patience, and stability. For 3 months or so, we were best friends. 1 and a half months in, Aaron told me that he had developed feelings for me. Obviously, after being dumped not too long ago, I was hesitant. I got to know him more, tested him, until I was positively sure. And then I decided. It has been the best decision.
Question 3. Can you recall times you led life?
I led my life in a great direction when I interviewed for a position at the library. It has been a wonderful and blessed 3 years there this August. I led my life in another new direction when I went to school. I've had to make choices, tough ones, and lose out on some fun, but it lends a great feeling of accomplishment. I have also led my life on a religious path, giving up even more than school demanded, and seeing even more benefits. I have led a blessed life.
Question 4. Can you recall when things went wrong but worked for the best in the end?
Of course! Everyone makes mistakes, everyone loses, and we must all learn. Everything is an opportunity for growth. Dan and I went wrong, but were supposed to. I lost in court, paid a fine, but... for some reason I don't know... the ticket isn't on my record (I'll fight from now on!) Aaron and I were late home this week because of an accident, but Aaron was the person needed to keep the hurt safe, and I was needed to call an ambulance. Others were there, but they weren't doing it.
Question 5. What do you think is your life mission?
At 20? My mission is to finish school, intern at a company, get a salaried job, get married, and at some point have kids to homeschool and raise up. As far as 1 thing? My mission is to be here for others. "The greatest thing in the world is to someone a favor." To listen, to learn from them, to help, to teach. One person can't make a difference worth anything if all are against him. They have to build eachother up. And raising kids will be like the final project in that. Building, molding, shaping, teaching, and even stepping back from. Part of them will be what I put into them, and that is amazing to me. From there, my children will continue to build others. That is my dream. Part of why I want children. To make this world a better place.
Question 1. Which aspects of you life are controlled by fate? Which aspects of your life are controlled by your choices?
The aspects controlled by fate are the aspects that happen to me, and aren't someone else's choice. I chose to go to court, the officer chose to not show up and then reschedule for later. It wasn't fate that I had to go back, it was the officer. Fate is that the officer just happened to be at the same intersection when I ran a yellow light.
I believe it was fate that after not seeing the Wells family in a very long time, some of them showed up at a hayride in Indiana where I was with friends. Aaron then chose to talk to me, and I chose to get to know him all over again.
It is very hard to pin point fate, while it is easy to see where I choose. Fate is not so obvious, and I don't believe we'd like it if it was.
Question 2. Can you recall a time where fate guided you toward a major choice?
I haven't made many major choices in my 20 years of life. I've bought 3 cars, I have had the same job since I was 17 (thankfully, I've moved up and so has the pay), I've fought one ticket, gone to school for a degree, and have been in 2 relationships. Not much to speak of there...
The biggest choice I've made thus far, when it comes to how long I thought about it and the whole process behind it, was to be with Aaron. And I do think fate had a heavy hand in that. The timing was amazing. We met while I was in my last month of being with Dan. Aaron knew me while I 'loved' Dan, Aaron helped me try to keep Dan and I together while we were crashing apart, and Aaron kept me level headed when it was over with. During a time in my life when a lot of new things were going on, starting school, driving more, more responsibilities at work, etc., Aaron was there with experience, understanding, patience, and stability. For 3 months or so, we were best friends. 1 and a half months in, Aaron told me that he had developed feelings for me. Obviously, after being dumped not too long ago, I was hesitant. I got to know him more, tested him, until I was positively sure. And then I decided. It has been the best decision.
Question 3. Can you recall times you led life?
I led my life in a great direction when I interviewed for a position at the library. It has been a wonderful and blessed 3 years there this August. I led my life in another new direction when I went to school. I've had to make choices, tough ones, and lose out on some fun, but it lends a great feeling of accomplishment. I have also led my life on a religious path, giving up even more than school demanded, and seeing even more benefits. I have led a blessed life.
Question 4. Can you recall when things went wrong but worked for the best in the end?
Of course! Everyone makes mistakes, everyone loses, and we must all learn. Everything is an opportunity for growth. Dan and I went wrong, but were supposed to. I lost in court, paid a fine, but... for some reason I don't know... the ticket isn't on my record (I'll fight from now on!) Aaron and I were late home this week because of an accident, but Aaron was the person needed to keep the hurt safe, and I was needed to call an ambulance. Others were there, but they weren't doing it.
Question 5. What do you think is your life mission?
At 20? My mission is to finish school, intern at a company, get a salaried job, get married, and at some point have kids to homeschool and raise up. As far as 1 thing? My mission is to be here for others. "The greatest thing in the world is to someone a favor." To listen, to learn from them, to help, to teach. One person can't make a difference worth anything if all are against him. They have to build eachother up. And raising kids will be like the final project in that. Building, molding, shaping, teaching, and even stepping back from. Part of them will be what I put into them, and that is amazing to me. From there, my children will continue to build others. That is my dream. Part of why I want children. To make this world a better place.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
You Pick-Chapter 5
The questions, once again, will come at a later time this coming week.
"Our world is a world of free will and free choice, and at the same time, paradoxically, it is a world that operates according to Hashem's plan. You see that paradox at work all the time. Sometimes it seems that you lead your life, but there are times when the only way you can describe it is to say that life leads you. ...Sometimes you feel that you got to where you are now because of choices you made. And sometimes you feel that no matter what choices you made, somehow you would have ended up where you are. Which feeling is closer to the truth?"
I've often wondered about fate, destiny, a path chosen for you before it's chosen by you. It's a strange thought, that we can be led around like puppets on strings. It makes you feel very small, yes? There is a problem with thinking like that, though. Yahweh created us with free will. He has given us choices, paths. He didn't want robots, He doesn't want puppets. So if we have free will, is there really fate? Can we be led by someone/thing other than ourselves?
The answer, in my opinion, is yes. But not like a puppet is led. A puppet has a master all the time, makes a choice at no time. Paths aren't presented to him. The kind of fate that we experience is like an offering. If Yah gives us choices to make with our free will, those choices are still not given to us by us. He selects them, and we choose. It has to be that one of them is the best for us, and that is the one Yahweh is hoping, but not always pushing us toward. We have free will to make the choices set before us, but only Yahweh can set those choices there. Thus, to some degree, I believe there is fate.
I've discussed this with my boyfriend, because of the word 'soulmate'. Aaron believes it's a pretty idea, but a false one. If there are millions, billions... a whole lot of men in the world, it would be dumb for only one of them to complete you; you might never find him. I've always laughed when someone says something like, "Out of all the women/men on this planet, why did you pick me?" Well duh, the first answer is, "I haven't met every single guy/girl on the planet!" I was presented with choices, not a smorgasbord. Out of my choices, I picked you. Of the choices, you were best. You complete me better than all of the others.
As for the other side, choice, there is a lot there. And it's not as simple.
Who you are is your choice. You caused or were part of a series of events, and who you are is how you responded and what you learned from those events. What role you choose for yourself on this earth is almost entirely up to you. You can be a good kid, or a bad kid. You can take charge or you can be led. You can fight against anything and everything, or you can let the world run you over. "Life is rather like a play written by a master playwright-- Hashem. The curtain is up, the scenery is in place. The number of acts has been decided. There will be a happy ending. What role do you choose to play? The hero? The villain? The protagonist? The antagonist? The victim? That is your choice." The thing of it is, no matter who you are, what role you pick, you are an example. This is the part beyond our control. You are always an example, whether you like it or not.
My dad said, "You can be a good example, or a bad example. You can show how to do something, or how not to do something, but you are still an example." You are still an actor, you still have a role, and Yahweh will use you as He wishes. It may not always be like you thought it would. The story of Esther shows us this:
As the story goes, Esther, who is secretly Jewish, has by a strange set of circumstances married the king of Persia. (Sounds like fate at work?) But soon after, the evil prime minister, Haman, decides to destroy the Jewish people. So Esther's uncle Mordechai says to her, "We've got to save the Jewish people. Perhaps God has orchestrated things in this very manner so that you could be queen and in a position to save the Jewish people." But Esther isn't convinced. She tells Mordechai, "You know the rules of the palace. If I go to the king without being invited, he could have me killed!" And to that Mordechai says something very bizarre. "If you don't do this, Esther, then the salvation of the Jewish people will come from someplace else." That certainly doesn't sound like the way you get somebody to do something. You would think Mordechai might have said, "Esther, if you don't do this, all the Jewish people will be killed. We may be wiped out and the very Torah might perish. This may be the end of everything!" That's the way to convince somebody who would rather not be convinced-- make them feel responsible, make them feel guilty. But Mordechai doesn't say anything like that. He tells Esther that if she doesn't save the Jewish people, somebody else will. And at that point Esther makes a choice and decides to do it. To make a long story short, it is Haman who ends up on the gallows, and the Jewish people are saved. It might seem like a very strange story, but the key message is hidden in the words Mordechai speaks to Esther. It is a very basic Kabbalistic idea: The evolution of the world of love will go on no matter what. But you have a choice. Do you want to have a role in it, or not? If you don't sign on, it will still happen. But you lose out. The world won't ultimately lose out, because someone else will do it. It has to happen and it will happen. But you can be the star-- or an extra on the set. That's your choice.
"...there are different ways to fulfill Hashem's plan. You can do it in a positive way, you can do it in a negative way, but in the end it will get done. And the irony is that the very person who tries to destroy Hashem's plan will be the one who actually brings about it's fulfillment." Yahweh has plans for you. Not a plan, because you can screw that up. Plans. And no matter if you accept them or not, you will still be moved around, used, to bring His end to fruition. You will be a good example, or a bad one. But an example you will be. That is fate. Which example you will be is up to you. That is your choice. Daily, that is everyone's choice.
"Our world is a world of free will and free choice, and at the same time, paradoxically, it is a world that operates according to Hashem's plan. You see that paradox at work all the time. Sometimes it seems that you lead your life, but there are times when the only way you can describe it is to say that life leads you. ...Sometimes you feel that you got to where you are now because of choices you made. And sometimes you feel that no matter what choices you made, somehow you would have ended up where you are. Which feeling is closer to the truth?"
I've often wondered about fate, destiny, a path chosen for you before it's chosen by you. It's a strange thought, that we can be led around like puppets on strings. It makes you feel very small, yes? There is a problem with thinking like that, though. Yahweh created us with free will. He has given us choices, paths. He didn't want robots, He doesn't want puppets. So if we have free will, is there really fate? Can we be led by someone/thing other than ourselves?
The answer, in my opinion, is yes. But not like a puppet is led. A puppet has a master all the time, makes a choice at no time. Paths aren't presented to him. The kind of fate that we experience is like an offering. If Yah gives us choices to make with our free will, those choices are still not given to us by us. He selects them, and we choose. It has to be that one of them is the best for us, and that is the one Yahweh is hoping, but not always pushing us toward. We have free will to make the choices set before us, but only Yahweh can set those choices there. Thus, to some degree, I believe there is fate.
I've discussed this with my boyfriend, because of the word 'soulmate'. Aaron believes it's a pretty idea, but a false one. If there are millions, billions... a whole lot of men in the world, it would be dumb for only one of them to complete you; you might never find him. I've always laughed when someone says something like, "Out of all the women/men on this planet, why did you pick me?" Well duh, the first answer is, "I haven't met every single guy/girl on the planet!" I was presented with choices, not a smorgasbord. Out of my choices, I picked you. Of the choices, you were best. You complete me better than all of the others.
As for the other side, choice, there is a lot there. And it's not as simple.
Who you are is your choice. You caused or were part of a series of events, and who you are is how you responded and what you learned from those events. What role you choose for yourself on this earth is almost entirely up to you. You can be a good kid, or a bad kid. You can take charge or you can be led. You can fight against anything and everything, or you can let the world run you over. "Life is rather like a play written by a master playwright-- Hashem. The curtain is up, the scenery is in place. The number of acts has been decided. There will be a happy ending. What role do you choose to play? The hero? The villain? The protagonist? The antagonist? The victim? That is your choice." The thing of it is, no matter who you are, what role you pick, you are an example. This is the part beyond our control. You are always an example, whether you like it or not.
My dad said, "You can be a good example, or a bad example. You can show how to do something, or how not to do something, but you are still an example." You are still an actor, you still have a role, and Yahweh will use you as He wishes. It may not always be like you thought it would. The story of Esther shows us this:
As the story goes, Esther, who is secretly Jewish, has by a strange set of circumstances married the king of Persia. (Sounds like fate at work?) But soon after, the evil prime minister, Haman, decides to destroy the Jewish people. So Esther's uncle Mordechai says to her, "We've got to save the Jewish people. Perhaps God has orchestrated things in this very manner so that you could be queen and in a position to save the Jewish people." But Esther isn't convinced. She tells Mordechai, "You know the rules of the palace. If I go to the king without being invited, he could have me killed!" And to that Mordechai says something very bizarre. "If you don't do this, Esther, then the salvation of the Jewish people will come from someplace else." That certainly doesn't sound like the way you get somebody to do something. You would think Mordechai might have said, "Esther, if you don't do this, all the Jewish people will be killed. We may be wiped out and the very Torah might perish. This may be the end of everything!" That's the way to convince somebody who would rather not be convinced-- make them feel responsible, make them feel guilty. But Mordechai doesn't say anything like that. He tells Esther that if she doesn't save the Jewish people, somebody else will. And at that point Esther makes a choice and decides to do it. To make a long story short, it is Haman who ends up on the gallows, and the Jewish people are saved. It might seem like a very strange story, but the key message is hidden in the words Mordechai speaks to Esther. It is a very basic Kabbalistic idea: The evolution of the world of love will go on no matter what. But you have a choice. Do you want to have a role in it, or not? If you don't sign on, it will still happen. But you lose out. The world won't ultimately lose out, because someone else will do it. It has to happen and it will happen. But you can be the star-- or an extra on the set. That's your choice.
"...there are different ways to fulfill Hashem's plan. You can do it in a positive way, you can do it in a negative way, but in the end it will get done. And the irony is that the very person who tries to destroy Hashem's plan will be the one who actually brings about it's fulfillment." Yahweh has plans for you. Not a plan, because you can screw that up. Plans. And no matter if you accept them or not, you will still be moved around, used, to bring His end to fruition. You will be a good example, or a bad one. But an example you will be. That is fate. Which example you will be is up to you. That is your choice. Daily, that is everyone's choice.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Questions- Chapter 4
Question 1. Can you recall conflicts in yourself and in your life that have propelled you forward? Which conflicting energies are tearing you apart?
Conflicts in myself and my life...that propelled me forward. Hard question, and it's only half the question.
Conflict one- Being dumped by Dan was a conflict in my life schedule. I only wanted to be with one guy, I wanted it to work, I didn't want to be alone. That conflict helped me learn that life can't have a schedule, that not everything works, but that most works for your good.
Conflict two- Telling my parents a big secret and hearing them tell it to others. Though it was really hard to tell them, though I was hurt and scared and lost some trust for a while, bringing it in the open and hearing other perspectives decreased my fear and made me move on. I needed to move on.
Conflict three- New manager, new coworkers, I apparently made 'foes' from the get-go. After trying to resolve things through management... I learned that managers don't necessarily care if everyone gets along as long as everyone does their job, that employees will say one thing to the boss and another to coworkers, and that no matter how upset I get as what others do... I have my own rules and standards, and I have to do the right thing. Others may use different rules, but I was and am proud that I went through the right channels. It taught me more about office politics. I will need that knowledge for a while.
The second half of the question has had several sets of answers for a long time. Right now, though, I have 2 hands. 1 is holding what I want- to get married SOON. The other is holding what I have to do- wait. I feel as if I am at a stand still, in school all the time, same job for three years, in a relationship for a year and 5 months... everything keeps going and it's hard to see when it will change. Another take is that I want to move in one direction. I want to graduate, get a job, get married. All the wile, I have opportunities to expand, not just move on. I'm like water from the faucet, I come out, go down. That's all, one direction. I should be like... an egg you just cracked. :-P Moving and expanding in all directions. I can be too focused, and miss things, or not want to do things because I need to do one thing.
Question 2. When do your strengths turn into weaknesses?
When I take over so much that I disregard other people, I am using my leadership, but it turns into control. When I give advice when asked and am upset if 1. they don't do it or 2. listen to someone else, I am using perceptiveness, knowledge, wisdom, encouragement, and turning into control. When I have my standards and am upset others aren't like me, I am true to my rules, but projecting them on others. ... etc.
Question 4. Do you feel you have any fears and phobias holding you back from growing?
As discussed earlier, I was putting off training because of some fears. I know I have a lot of fears and a lot of growing to do, but doing to training while increasing directional and driving confidence is one I plan on tackling as soon as class ends and I have 2 open days in the week (in 2 1/2 weeks).
Most of the fear preventing things is my fear involved in driving. Thus, I have begun to address this fear.
Question 5. Can you recall accomplishments that when realized were immediately overshadowed by new yearnings?
In school, when I get a good grade, I think of the next project or test that I want a good grade on. When I finish a piano piece, I move on to another one to finish. When I baked my first cheesecake, I wanted to bake a different kind. I view this more as increasing a skill, not a new yearning. I think I am one to relax and enjoy for a while what I have done, then move on to something else. Not immediately.
Question 6. Which of the guiding principles are dominant in your life?
The 6 guides are gevurah: justice, control, holding back, maintaining borders, selfishness chesod: kindness, unrestrained giving, spontaneity, undisciplined extension of self tiferet: beauty, balance, harmony hod: submission, retreat, surrender netzach: conquest, victory, assertion yesod: peace, grounding
These 6 work as a triad, with the first 3 completing each other, as well as the last 3. Gevurah and chesod need tiferet, hod and netzach need yesod. You can't just have chesod and gevurah; you will be two people, torn by two energies. You need or other the other with tiferet; the same goes for hod and netzach. A person needs the compliment in order to be a balanced and healthy personality. Unfortunately, the one I see most in myself is gevurah.
Question 7. Which principles of life do you need to reinforce to feel more balanced?
I need tiferet for my control, and yesod to help with the hod; the fear. Tiferet for my relationships with people and yesod for myself.
Conflicts in myself and my life...that propelled me forward. Hard question, and it's only half the question.
Conflict one- Being dumped by Dan was a conflict in my life schedule. I only wanted to be with one guy, I wanted it to work, I didn't want to be alone. That conflict helped me learn that life can't have a schedule, that not everything works, but that most works for your good.
Conflict two- Telling my parents a big secret and hearing them tell it to others. Though it was really hard to tell them, though I was hurt and scared and lost some trust for a while, bringing it in the open and hearing other perspectives decreased my fear and made me move on. I needed to move on.
Conflict three- New manager, new coworkers, I apparently made 'foes' from the get-go. After trying to resolve things through management... I learned that managers don't necessarily care if everyone gets along as long as everyone does their job, that employees will say one thing to the boss and another to coworkers, and that no matter how upset I get as what others do... I have my own rules and standards, and I have to do the right thing. Others may use different rules, but I was and am proud that I went through the right channels. It taught me more about office politics. I will need that knowledge for a while.
The second half of the question has had several sets of answers for a long time. Right now, though, I have 2 hands. 1 is holding what I want- to get married SOON. The other is holding what I have to do- wait. I feel as if I am at a stand still, in school all the time, same job for three years, in a relationship for a year and 5 months... everything keeps going and it's hard to see when it will change. Another take is that I want to move in one direction. I want to graduate, get a job, get married. All the wile, I have opportunities to expand, not just move on. I'm like water from the faucet, I come out, go down. That's all, one direction. I should be like... an egg you just cracked. :-P Moving and expanding in all directions. I can be too focused, and miss things, or not want to do things because I need to do one thing.
Question 2. When do your strengths turn into weaknesses?
When I take over so much that I disregard other people, I am using my leadership, but it turns into control. When I give advice when asked and am upset if 1. they don't do it or 2. listen to someone else, I am using perceptiveness, knowledge, wisdom, encouragement, and turning into control. When I have my standards and am upset others aren't like me, I am true to my rules, but projecting them on others. ... etc.
Question 4. Do you feel you have any fears and phobias holding you back from growing?
As discussed earlier, I was putting off training because of some fears. I know I have a lot of fears and a lot of growing to do, but doing to training while increasing directional and driving confidence is one I plan on tackling as soon as class ends and I have 2 open days in the week (in 2 1/2 weeks).
Most of the fear preventing things is my fear involved in driving. Thus, I have begun to address this fear.
Question 5. Can you recall accomplishments that when realized were immediately overshadowed by new yearnings?
In school, when I get a good grade, I think of the next project or test that I want a good grade on. When I finish a piano piece, I move on to another one to finish. When I baked my first cheesecake, I wanted to bake a different kind. I view this more as increasing a skill, not a new yearning. I think I am one to relax and enjoy for a while what I have done, then move on to something else. Not immediately.
Question 6. Which of the guiding principles are dominant in your life?
The 6 guides are gevurah: justice, control, holding back, maintaining borders, selfishness chesod: kindness, unrestrained giving, spontaneity, undisciplined extension of self tiferet: beauty, balance, harmony hod: submission, retreat, surrender netzach: conquest, victory, assertion yesod: peace, grounding
These 6 work as a triad, with the first 3 completing each other, as well as the last 3. Gevurah and chesod need tiferet, hod and netzach need yesod. You can't just have chesod and gevurah; you will be two people, torn by two energies. You need or other the other with tiferet; the same goes for hod and netzach. A person needs the compliment in order to be a balanced and healthy personality. Unfortunately, the one I see most in myself is gevurah.
Question 7. Which principles of life do you need to reinforce to feel more balanced?
I need tiferet for my control, and yesod to help with the hod; the fear. Tiferet for my relationships with people and yesod for myself.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Be a Better You- Chapter 4
The questions and answers will come at a later date.
"The most complete world for man is an incomplete world where he can be a partner in it's completion. This imperfect world is the perfect setting for challenge, growth, and love. Each day we encounter the forces of chaos and darkness within the world and within ourselves. And each day we are offered the opportunity to become Hashem's creative partner in bringing order, harmony, and light to the world and ourselves-- mending the broken vessels."
Self-improvement. Oy. I try always to be a better person, but when it comes to challenges... I don't seek those out, and I generally am nervous about them.
I am afraid of a lot of things, some of them silly. I have a phobia, I guess, that I'll have to find the name of; I am afraid of swimming in small lakes, ponds, etc., because of fish and seaweed. I mean really afraid. I don't like not seeing below my feet or even to the bottom. I know there are things in the water, they know I'm in the water, but they can see me, and I can't see them. I hate that. Since my accidents and getting an older car, I'm nervous about driving at speeds over 50 mph (don't worry, I haven't been on the highway for a while). I also have a bad sense of direction, so I don't usually go somewhere I don't know the way to. Esp. if that place is downtown. Because I hate parking downtown. Parking ramp, right? Wrong. I can't stand riding in a car in those, and I've never navigated one myself.
Because of my fears of driving downtown and parking there, I am putting off an opportunity. In the library system, we aids now have to complete a series of trainings to get a series of raises. But the training, to my knowledge, is at the Central location... which is really downtown. Oy.
The funny thing about some of my fears is that part of me knows I'd be ok. That everyone does it, I could do it, it's not a big deal. But I unrationalize it (I made that up) and then I'm stuck. Again.
Usually, a challenge happens to me. Like fighting a ticket, and going to court. I hyperventilated the night before first going. Because it was so new, I didn't know what to expect, and I don't handle that well. I actually had to go twice. I lost, but I was proud later that I had done it, and done well in court.
These challenges aren't challenging to everyone. If everyone had the same set of challenges, some would have an easy life, and others would be so buried they couldn't breathe The challenge is only that to you, and only you can overcome it and have the satisfaction of scoring a goal.
My challenges are because of past experience, or lack of experience. It was a challenge to go to college because I was home-schooled. It might be a challenge being in the workforce, because I will be have been in school for 15 years or so; it will be a whole new ball game. Life is like that.
I was fortunate to be listening to a conversation on Thursday that took place between my Dad and a man we refer to as Denis the Church Menace (don't worry, he likes it). They were talking about challenges, and how some people will say, "That's it! I'm done. I have overcome all temptations, and will never be tempted again!" They said that would be sad. Jokingly, 'shoot me now' was said, because life isn't worth living if there's nothing to overcome. When we win out over a temptation, we are glorifying Yahweh. We need to be tempted, we need to have challenges in order to give glory to Yah.
Just as some challenges aren't so to some, not everyone is tempted by the same things. I work in an environment where it would be easy to steal money bits at a time, or books, or personal belongings. But I don't even consider it, because it's not a temptation. When one of my siblings asks me something, and I'm in a hurry, or Mom wants something done, or I drop something on the way out the door... it's so tempting to say 'no', and keep walking. My time is more important. Being at work 8 minutes early is so important. When I stop, turn around, talk, listen, pick something up, that is overcoming a temptation. I put others, my family of all people, before myself. Not stealing at work, sure, I guess it could make Him happy, but it doesn't give Him glory. Stopping in my busy day to care, that does.
Now, when we give in to temptation, it's a sin, yes? Sure it is. We were supposed to do something else, and didn't. That's sin. We were supposed to give Yah glory, and didn't. That's sin. But 'sin' isn't what we all believe it to be. It's not this terrible thing that will send you to hell unless you repent. It's missing. To miss the target. I will use the author's words: "Het is a Hebrew word that is often mistranslated as 'sin'. But 'sin', like the word 'God', has been so distorted through time that it brings up all sorts of erroneous associations-- the devil, hellfire, damnation. So let me define the word in the context of the Torah. Het has its own original meaning with no adequate translation in English. But I learned exactly what it means while I was taking a stroll in Jerusalem one Sunday afternoon. I was walking along, chatting with my wife, when I heard from afar a thousand voices shouting, 'Het! Het! Het!' I looked around to see where the sound was coming from, imagining that perhaps some sort of religious sect was holding a revival meeting nearby. But then I realized that we had come near a soccer stadium, and it was the fans in the bleachers who were yelling, 'Het! Het!'
In soccer, that's what you yell when someone's missed the goal. Het! Het! means nothing more than 'Miss! Miss!' And that's precisely how the Torah defines sin. You're off the mark. You haven't hit the goal."
That's not to say that sin is good, or ok, or whatever. It's a way to say, 'Well, missed that shot, give me another ball and we'll go again.' When you miss something, you generally try until you get it. Basketball, baseball, archery, hockey, etc. Any sport. What do you call those who give up? The Detroit Lions. Just kidding. We call them quitters. They didn't lose, not that one person. They aren't a loser. When they gave up, the whole team lost. The person said forget it, got frustrated, gave up, and the team suffered the consequences.
"A word in a sentence may have a meaning assigned to it in a dictionary, but to communicate something truly meaningful, individual words have to be harmoniously integrated within a sentence, which is harmoniously integrated within the rest of the paragraph, within the chapter, within the book. ... The same is true of individual beings. We must have context to lead a truly meaningful life. ... You must see yourself as part of a greater whole." When we give up, give in, we aren't the only ones that lose. Because we are all together. You are part of a whole. A family, a circle of friends, a company, etc. You bring others down with you. You literally 'let them down'. In a symphony, you need all the instruments playing correctly. If one person plays off key, the person next to them is perhaps confused enough to follow, and suddenly people are hearing a different key and switch and everything is ruined. When one child is setting a bad example, a sibling may follow, then another, and the whole family is sliding downhill. At work, when one person doesn't do their job.... You get the picture.
And the picture, if everyone is playing on key, working, being a good example, is beautiful. When we see that we are part of a greater whole, that the world isn't on one pair of shoulders, that we have a group of supporters, team members, etc. ... it's a wonderful feeling. When we overcome 1 challenge, when we don't give in to a single temptation, we shed a light, spread a smile, set an example that reaches all the way to Yahweh. We give Him glory, for "Who you are is God's gift to you; who you become is your gift to God."
"The most complete world for man is an incomplete world where he can be a partner in it's completion. This imperfect world is the perfect setting for challenge, growth, and love. Each day we encounter the forces of chaos and darkness within the world and within ourselves. And each day we are offered the opportunity to become Hashem's creative partner in bringing order, harmony, and light to the world and ourselves-- mending the broken vessels."
Self-improvement. Oy. I try always to be a better person, but when it comes to challenges... I don't seek those out, and I generally am nervous about them.
I am afraid of a lot of things, some of them silly. I have a phobia, I guess, that I'll have to find the name of; I am afraid of swimming in small lakes, ponds, etc., because of fish and seaweed. I mean really afraid. I don't like not seeing below my feet or even to the bottom. I know there are things in the water, they know I'm in the water, but they can see me, and I can't see them. I hate that. Since my accidents and getting an older car, I'm nervous about driving at speeds over 50 mph (don't worry, I haven't been on the highway for a while). I also have a bad sense of direction, so I don't usually go somewhere I don't know the way to. Esp. if that place is downtown. Because I hate parking downtown. Parking ramp, right? Wrong. I can't stand riding in a car in those, and I've never navigated one myself.
Because of my fears of driving downtown and parking there, I am putting off an opportunity. In the library system, we aids now have to complete a series of trainings to get a series of raises. But the training, to my knowledge, is at the Central location... which is really downtown. Oy.
The funny thing about some of my fears is that part of me knows I'd be ok. That everyone does it, I could do it, it's not a big deal. But I unrationalize it (I made that up) and then I'm stuck. Again.
Usually, a challenge happens to me. Like fighting a ticket, and going to court. I hyperventilated the night before first going. Because it was so new, I didn't know what to expect, and I don't handle that well. I actually had to go twice. I lost, but I was proud later that I had done it, and done well in court.
These challenges aren't challenging to everyone. If everyone had the same set of challenges, some would have an easy life, and others would be so buried they couldn't breathe The challenge is only that to you, and only you can overcome it and have the satisfaction of scoring a goal.
My challenges are because of past experience, or lack of experience. It was a challenge to go to college because I was home-schooled. It might be a challenge being in the workforce, because I will be have been in school for 15 years or so; it will be a whole new ball game. Life is like that.
I was fortunate to be listening to a conversation on Thursday that took place between my Dad and a man we refer to as Denis the Church Menace (don't worry, he likes it). They were talking about challenges, and how some people will say, "That's it! I'm done. I have overcome all temptations, and will never be tempted again!" They said that would be sad. Jokingly, 'shoot me now' was said, because life isn't worth living if there's nothing to overcome. When we win out over a temptation, we are glorifying Yahweh. We need to be tempted, we need to have challenges in order to give glory to Yah.
Just as some challenges aren't so to some, not everyone is tempted by the same things. I work in an environment where it would be easy to steal money bits at a time, or books, or personal belongings. But I don't even consider it, because it's not a temptation. When one of my siblings asks me something, and I'm in a hurry, or Mom wants something done, or I drop something on the way out the door... it's so tempting to say 'no', and keep walking. My time is more important. Being at work 8 minutes early is so important. When I stop, turn around, talk, listen, pick something up, that is overcoming a temptation. I put others, my family of all people, before myself. Not stealing at work, sure, I guess it could make Him happy, but it doesn't give Him glory. Stopping in my busy day to care, that does.
Now, when we give in to temptation, it's a sin, yes? Sure it is. We were supposed to do something else, and didn't. That's sin. We were supposed to give Yah glory, and didn't. That's sin. But 'sin' isn't what we all believe it to be. It's not this terrible thing that will send you to hell unless you repent. It's missing. To miss the target. I will use the author's words: "Het is a Hebrew word that is often mistranslated as 'sin'. But 'sin', like the word 'God', has been so distorted through time that it brings up all sorts of erroneous associations-- the devil, hellfire, damnation. So let me define the word in the context of the Torah. Het has its own original meaning with no adequate translation in English. But I learned exactly what it means while I was taking a stroll in Jerusalem one Sunday afternoon. I was walking along, chatting with my wife, when I heard from afar a thousand voices shouting, 'Het! Het! Het!' I looked around to see where the sound was coming from, imagining that perhaps some sort of religious sect was holding a revival meeting nearby. But then I realized that we had come near a soccer stadium, and it was the fans in the bleachers who were yelling, 'Het! Het!'
In soccer, that's what you yell when someone's missed the goal. Het! Het! means nothing more than 'Miss! Miss!' And that's precisely how the Torah defines sin. You're off the mark. You haven't hit the goal."
That's not to say that sin is good, or ok, or whatever. It's a way to say, 'Well, missed that shot, give me another ball and we'll go again.' When you miss something, you generally try until you get it. Basketball, baseball, archery, hockey, etc. Any sport. What do you call those who give up? The Detroit Lions. Just kidding. We call them quitters. They didn't lose, not that one person. They aren't a loser. When they gave up, the whole team lost. The person said forget it, got frustrated, gave up, and the team suffered the consequences.
"A word in a sentence may have a meaning assigned to it in a dictionary, but to communicate something truly meaningful, individual words have to be harmoniously integrated within a sentence, which is harmoniously integrated within the rest of the paragraph, within the chapter, within the book. ... The same is true of individual beings. We must have context to lead a truly meaningful life. ... You must see yourself as part of a greater whole." When we give up, give in, we aren't the only ones that lose. Because we are all together. You are part of a whole. A family, a circle of friends, a company, etc. You bring others down with you. You literally 'let them down'. In a symphony, you need all the instruments playing correctly. If one person plays off key, the person next to them is perhaps confused enough to follow, and suddenly people are hearing a different key and switch and everything is ruined. When one child is setting a bad example, a sibling may follow, then another, and the whole family is sliding downhill. At work, when one person doesn't do their job.... You get the picture.
And the picture, if everyone is playing on key, working, being a good example, is beautiful. When we see that we are part of a greater whole, that the world isn't on one pair of shoulders, that we have a group of supporters, team members, etc. ... it's a wonderful feeling. When we overcome 1 challenge, when we don't give in to a single temptation, we shed a light, spread a smile, set an example that reaches all the way to Yahweh. We give Him glory, for "Who you are is God's gift to you; who you become is your gift to God."
Saturday, May 26, 2012
All the Little Children-Chapter 3
"I'll never forget a conversation I had with my wife before our daughter was born. 'I think your den would be a good place for the baby,' she said. 'We'll just move out some of your books.' 'What do you mean, my den? It won't need my den,' I objected. 'A baby is so small. Why can't we just put it in one of the drawers or something?' 'But, David, we've got to make a space for the baby.' We did make a space for the baby in my den, and then one day I walked into the house an all of a sudden realized that everywhere I looked there was space for the baby-- her carriage, her crib, her toys and rattles. All I can say is, you have to make a big space for a baby. And not only physical space. You have to make a space in your time for a baby. To me it came as a revelation that you have to make more and more space in your time, in your house, in your work, in your life.
But that's just the beginning, because you must give more than space. You must give of yourself to cultivate this other, and nurture her into becoming her true self. You must help her discover her identity, individuality, and unique strengths. You must help her learn to make choices. That is your gift to your child-- a sense of self. ... if you help your child to have a strong sense of self, then one day she also will be able to make a big space in her life to include you, her spouse, her children, the world. To accomplish all this, you have to know your child, so that you can make the right kind of space and give of yourself in the special way that child needs. That is what it says in Proverbs, 'Educate a child according to it's ways.'"
This chapter is about raising, loving, and disciplining children. I do not have children of my own, and therefore cannot offer a lot of insight or commentary. However, the author had a lot of good things to say, so this post will be made up mainly of quotes, and then my answers to the questions.
"...you have to discipline your children and still give them a free choice. How do you do that? You do that by showing them the consequences of their actions. When children begin to learn that their actions have consequences, they begin to make informed choices. Understanding consequences also builds confidence because children see that their decisions make a difference, that they make a difference."
"But be careful not to punish your child for every little thing. They will come to believe that everything they do has consequences-- negative consequences. And then they will be too afraid to try anything. That is not free choice either." "If you know your child, you will know best which method of correction to use."
"Whenever you punish your child, you cannot leave it at just that. There has to be an explanation, and the resolution should include affection, or he may come away thinking you don't love him. So you have to give him a hug. You have to say, 'you know, the reason I punished you is because I love you so much and I want you to understand and to learn. How you grow up is very important to me."
"Some parents are so involved in their child's life that the child doesn't have a life. They want to do it all for him, buy it all for him. But kids don't want life on a silver platter. They want to be able to do things on their own. Parents often don't realize that in the overflow of giving they are actually taking away the child's sense of self and the confidence that says, 'I can do this. I am somebody.'" "Parents often delude themselves into thinking that 'toys are us'. Giving to your child means literally giving of yourself, not giving toys or presents. Kids respond to presents, and presents are very nice. But what they really want is their parents, and all the presents in the world will never satisfy their yearning for love. Love means your presence, not your presents."
Parenting is difficult. I have become more and more aware of this as I get older and as I get closer to having children of my own. I have thought about how to teach, what to teach, how to discipline, and what to discipline. Aaron and I have talked about it a few times. Different ideas, different ways, and flaws in some styles of parenting. Just like me, Aaron does not wish to push, pull, or be absent. We wish to raise intelligent and, even more so, understanding and loving individuals. A mind, a brain, is an important piece of a person, but to me a heart, a soul, a conscience is more important. That is what I want to cultivate, to nurture. And that is the hardest style of parenting.
This chapter gave some wonderful encouragement, though. It is possible. It is difficult, exasperating, hard to grasp, hard to be consistent in, but it is possible. People can do it. I can do it. And with Aaron to help me, with me to help him, with us as a team... we will succeed. Unless we have natural born monsters. *raises eyes and hands to heaven and pleads*
One of the biggest goals in my life is to be a mother. To have a family. To raise a family, to teach a family is a bigger goal, a goal less easily achieved. Anyone can have kids. Not everyone can raise kids into loving individuals.
Questions:
1. When you were growing up, what kind of space did your parents make for you? What kind of space did you not have?
My parents made a space of mutual understanding and respect. They explained things to me, yet made me understand that they were my parents and they could say no without explaining their reasons if they chose. I understood that I could talk to them about a choice they made, but I knew that their decision was something I'd have to respect as far as not disobeying or complaining. I could disagree and not like it, they made it clear that that was fine, but we were not friends. They are my parents, and I was the child.
I did not have space to try to tell them what to do. Suggestions, depending on the subject and the delivery, were ok; but if I told them how to parent or that I was going to do something whether they liked it or not... it would not be good.
2. What special strengths and weaknesses did your parents help you discover?
I was home schooled, so my parents helped me discover a lot of strengths in my schooling. English, understanding a problem and seeking a solution.They also taught me how to plan out my school day, do things one at a time, etc. I found that I was a good self-motivator, and could keep myself and others on task.
As I grew older, strengths and weaknesses became more apparent. Writing, singing, the piano were all obvious strengths. But with more on my plate, and going through very new things, they saw that I became anxious and overly worried. Also afraid. Afraid of making a fool of myself because I was, and am, proud.
I think the biggest strength they pointed out to me was that people trusted me. I got that from my mom. Strangers, friends, family, teachers would talk to me about personal things going on in their lives. Whether I had words to share with them or not didn't matter in most cases. They just wanted to be heard. I listened, and did my best to show them that I cared and understood. The weakness is that I don't give up on people, and I get hurt. We talked of that in the last post. My dad and I have had many experiences with this weakness. He counseled me, but let me decide.
3. Is there a blessing that you wish you had received from your parents? What blessing would you like to give your children?
I wish that I had been blessed with an abundance of confidence. I envy those people. And I would bless my children with strength, peace, and understanding.
4. In what ways did your parents discipline you? Were their methods of punishment productive? Can you think of a time that you felt punished yet loved?
My parents best way of punishing me ever was disappointment. They would sit me down alone with them, explain what I had done from their perspective, and tell me how disappointed they were in me. I had let them down, let my siblings down in the example I was supposed to be setting, let the family's name and reputation down, etc. They weren't angry. They were sad. Hurt. And I would cry every time. Apologize. Beat myself up inside and do better. Resolve always to do better. This was definitely productive.
Another way was letting me pick my own punishment. This made me understand how wrong something was through deciding how badly I should punish myself. To be honest, when I was 11-13, I punished myself without my parents telling me. (Thank the gods that phase is over;)
I had always felt loved by my parents. At times more so than others, but after being spanked, my parents would always hug me, tell me they loved me. After being grounded, they'd tell me it was best for me. They were teaching me. And they did.
I have to say, though, the funniest way they punished me. I was a reader. I hated going outside to play when I was 10-11 because it was too hot, I couldn't read in the sun, and I didn't have a couch in a corner to snuggle into while reading if I was out of doors. My mom would ground me from reading for a while, and I'd have to go outside on top of it.
5. What was the lesson most useful to your spiritual growth that your parents taught you?
My parents taught me how important people are, how valuable relationships are, how the best thing you could do would always be for someone else. Share love, joy. Be an example through your willingness to listen, help, be there. They taught me to put others before myself.
6. In what ways did you create yourself?
It's hard to separate what I learned from what I was taught. I created myself in what I chose for myself. I chose to continue to learn, to implement, to grow, to better myself. I chose to go to college, I chose my degree. I choose who I talk to, who I'm friends with, and how I interact. I chose my goal of a family, my love of Aaron. I realized at school that I didn't need to be afraid of people, and that most people are not only ok to talk to, but actually fun. I found that you never truly know what made a person who they are, and not to judge. I learned not to only work. Balance is key.
What I have been learning lately is that it's not the end of the world if someone doesn't like you. I told my dad yesterday that lately I had decided three things for myself. 1. I'm not a snob. Being a Blair, apparently, it's really hard to convince people otherwise. 2. I will defend myself, and from anyone. I'm done being talked over, I will speak for myself and those I care about. 3. I will be honest. That doesn't mean I'm going to go around telling people how I feel about them; it means that if something comes up and I'm asked my opinion, I will say it not caring what they think. If you ask, you'll know.
My parents gave me the tools to build with. They laid the foundation, and then passed me the hammer. Off of their foundation, I think that lately... I've been creating my own confidence. And let me tell you... I'm surprising even myself.
At the end, I am struck with how much effort my parents have put into me. How they understood what I needed as I grew, and what I didn't. Thank you.
But that's just the beginning, because you must give more than space. You must give of yourself to cultivate this other, and nurture her into becoming her true self. You must help her discover her identity, individuality, and unique strengths. You must help her learn to make choices. That is your gift to your child-- a sense of self. ... if you help your child to have a strong sense of self, then one day she also will be able to make a big space in her life to include you, her spouse, her children, the world. To accomplish all this, you have to know your child, so that you can make the right kind of space and give of yourself in the special way that child needs. That is what it says in Proverbs, 'Educate a child according to it's ways.'"
This chapter is about raising, loving, and disciplining children. I do not have children of my own, and therefore cannot offer a lot of insight or commentary. However, the author had a lot of good things to say, so this post will be made up mainly of quotes, and then my answers to the questions.
"...you have to discipline your children and still give them a free choice. How do you do that? You do that by showing them the consequences of their actions. When children begin to learn that their actions have consequences, they begin to make informed choices. Understanding consequences also builds confidence because children see that their decisions make a difference, that they make a difference."
"But be careful not to punish your child for every little thing. They will come to believe that everything they do has consequences-- negative consequences. And then they will be too afraid to try anything. That is not free choice either." "If you know your child, you will know best which method of correction to use."
"Whenever you punish your child, you cannot leave it at just that. There has to be an explanation, and the resolution should include affection, or he may come away thinking you don't love him. So you have to give him a hug. You have to say, 'you know, the reason I punished you is because I love you so much and I want you to understand and to learn. How you grow up is very important to me."
"Some parents are so involved in their child's life that the child doesn't have a life. They want to do it all for him, buy it all for him. But kids don't want life on a silver platter. They want to be able to do things on their own. Parents often don't realize that in the overflow of giving they are actually taking away the child's sense of self and the confidence that says, 'I can do this. I am somebody.'" "Parents often delude themselves into thinking that 'toys are us'. Giving to your child means literally giving of yourself, not giving toys or presents. Kids respond to presents, and presents are very nice. But what they really want is their parents, and all the presents in the world will never satisfy their yearning for love. Love means your presence, not your presents."
Parenting is difficult. I have become more and more aware of this as I get older and as I get closer to having children of my own. I have thought about how to teach, what to teach, how to discipline, and what to discipline. Aaron and I have talked about it a few times. Different ideas, different ways, and flaws in some styles of parenting. Just like me, Aaron does not wish to push, pull, or be absent. We wish to raise intelligent and, even more so, understanding and loving individuals. A mind, a brain, is an important piece of a person, but to me a heart, a soul, a conscience is more important. That is what I want to cultivate, to nurture. And that is the hardest style of parenting.
This chapter gave some wonderful encouragement, though. It is possible. It is difficult, exasperating, hard to grasp, hard to be consistent in, but it is possible. People can do it. I can do it. And with Aaron to help me, with me to help him, with us as a team... we will succeed. Unless we have natural born monsters. *raises eyes and hands to heaven and pleads*
One of the biggest goals in my life is to be a mother. To have a family. To raise a family, to teach a family is a bigger goal, a goal less easily achieved. Anyone can have kids. Not everyone can raise kids into loving individuals.
Questions:
1. When you were growing up, what kind of space did your parents make for you? What kind of space did you not have?
My parents made a space of mutual understanding and respect. They explained things to me, yet made me understand that they were my parents and they could say no without explaining their reasons if they chose. I understood that I could talk to them about a choice they made, but I knew that their decision was something I'd have to respect as far as not disobeying or complaining. I could disagree and not like it, they made it clear that that was fine, but we were not friends. They are my parents, and I was the child.
I did not have space to try to tell them what to do. Suggestions, depending on the subject and the delivery, were ok; but if I told them how to parent or that I was going to do something whether they liked it or not... it would not be good.
2. What special strengths and weaknesses did your parents help you discover?
I was home schooled, so my parents helped me discover a lot of strengths in my schooling. English, understanding a problem and seeking a solution.They also taught me how to plan out my school day, do things one at a time, etc. I found that I was a good self-motivator, and could keep myself and others on task.
As I grew older, strengths and weaknesses became more apparent. Writing, singing, the piano were all obvious strengths. But with more on my plate, and going through very new things, they saw that I became anxious and overly worried. Also afraid. Afraid of making a fool of myself because I was, and am, proud.
I think the biggest strength they pointed out to me was that people trusted me. I got that from my mom. Strangers, friends, family, teachers would talk to me about personal things going on in their lives. Whether I had words to share with them or not didn't matter in most cases. They just wanted to be heard. I listened, and did my best to show them that I cared and understood. The weakness is that I don't give up on people, and I get hurt. We talked of that in the last post. My dad and I have had many experiences with this weakness. He counseled me, but let me decide.
3. Is there a blessing that you wish you had received from your parents? What blessing would you like to give your children?
I wish that I had been blessed with an abundance of confidence. I envy those people. And I would bless my children with strength, peace, and understanding.
4. In what ways did your parents discipline you? Were their methods of punishment productive? Can you think of a time that you felt punished yet loved?
My parents best way of punishing me ever was disappointment. They would sit me down alone with them, explain what I had done from their perspective, and tell me how disappointed they were in me. I had let them down, let my siblings down in the example I was supposed to be setting, let the family's name and reputation down, etc. They weren't angry. They were sad. Hurt. And I would cry every time. Apologize. Beat myself up inside and do better. Resolve always to do better. This was definitely productive.
Another way was letting me pick my own punishment. This made me understand how wrong something was through deciding how badly I should punish myself. To be honest, when I was 11-13, I punished myself without my parents telling me. (Thank the gods that phase is over;)
I had always felt loved by my parents. At times more so than others, but after being spanked, my parents would always hug me, tell me they loved me. After being grounded, they'd tell me it was best for me. They were teaching me. And they did.
I have to say, though, the funniest way they punished me. I was a reader. I hated going outside to play when I was 10-11 because it was too hot, I couldn't read in the sun, and I didn't have a couch in a corner to snuggle into while reading if I was out of doors. My mom would ground me from reading for a while, and I'd have to go outside on top of it.
5. What was the lesson most useful to your spiritual growth that your parents taught you?
My parents taught me how important people are, how valuable relationships are, how the best thing you could do would always be for someone else. Share love, joy. Be an example through your willingness to listen, help, be there. They taught me to put others before myself.
6. In what ways did you create yourself?
It's hard to separate what I learned from what I was taught. I created myself in what I chose for myself. I chose to continue to learn, to implement, to grow, to better myself. I chose to go to college, I chose my degree. I choose who I talk to, who I'm friends with, and how I interact. I chose my goal of a family, my love of Aaron. I realized at school that I didn't need to be afraid of people, and that most people are not only ok to talk to, but actually fun. I found that you never truly know what made a person who they are, and not to judge. I learned not to only work. Balance is key.
What I have been learning lately is that it's not the end of the world if someone doesn't like you. I told my dad yesterday that lately I had decided three things for myself. 1. I'm not a snob. Being a Blair, apparently, it's really hard to convince people otherwise. 2. I will defend myself, and from anyone. I'm done being talked over, I will speak for myself and those I care about. 3. I will be honest. That doesn't mean I'm going to go around telling people how I feel about them; it means that if something comes up and I'm asked my opinion, I will say it not caring what they think. If you ask, you'll know.
My parents gave me the tools to build with. They laid the foundation, and then passed me the hammer. Off of their foundation, I think that lately... I've been creating my own confidence. And let me tell you... I'm surprising even myself.
At the end, I am struck with how much effort my parents have put into me. How they understood what I needed as I grew, and what I didn't. Thank you.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Chapter 2- The Questions
I debated whether or not it was necessary to even put these up, but I said I would, so here they are. Again, I may leave out part of an answer, I may even leave out a whole question. You'll just have to read the book to find out what they were. ;)
Question 2. Is there a character trait in others that you generally seek to subordinate? Is there a weakness in you that allows you to become subordinate to others?
(Hard question, right? Very hard to answer. They are all like that.) Feeling that you are done, that you are ok, that you know... I tend to put down. If someone says they've found the solution, I find a problem with the solution. I don't generally think that a person can get to the end, or over something, on their own. I have to approve or be some aspect of help. I've filled the role of counselor for a long time, and it's a role I don't give up willingly now.
When it comes to my own subordination or weakness... I suppose it's that I am loyal. Sometimes too loyal. I keep friends and relationships even when it hurts me. I won't say something that needs to be said for fear they'll drop me like a hot potato. I don't condone, but I am silent. I keep giving, and I get hurt over and over. Because the ball is always in their court. An argument could be made that I feel like everyone needs me, and it's not just loyalty, I understand. However, new 'friends' or acquaintances that I give advice to for a short time don't hold me like this. They start to annoy me (for lack of a better word), or I see that they don't give a darn, and I say, 'Ok then, we're done.' The people that do hold me are the people I feel closest to, the people who have been friends of mine the longest. I just don't want to give up on them. I don't want to give them up.
Question 3. Can you think of times when you tried to control your partner?
I have always been forceful. I have always had high standards for a significant other, but along the way some of those standards turned into a fantasy. And there have been several times when I've tried to tell him what to do, what to say, when to come, etc. Aaron put up with a lot, until I learned to just trust his judgement. And I have been pleased since. (No, I'm not saying I'm cured. It's a process.)
Question 4: What are the unique strengths you want to be respected for in a loving relationship? What are the unique strengths you most respect in others?
I think my answers are the same for myself and others. Logic, perceptiveness, truthfulness, strength, being a motivator, creativity, self respect, and standing true to your word. My dad taught me to never make a promise I couldn't keep, and to never break one that I made. I expect the same in others.
Question 5. Can you recall the last time you "fell in love"? What was the attraction? Did it become a "climb in love"? If not, what could you have done to make it so?
That last time was in my first relationship, and the attraction was love. Adoration. Excitement. We both played music, we both loved music. We both wrote poems, we loved each others poems. And no, it became a downward spiral. I could not have done anything, because he came to a point where he was set on making it worse, until it broke. I'm glad I can say there is nothing I could do, because I'd hate to think of it working. I wouldn't have Aaron.
Question 6. Can you remember the first time you told someone you loved him/her? Why did you say that? Why at that moment?
The first time was as my relationship was crumbling. I was at a loss, I had done everything I could see to do. I had told him throughout our relationship that I didn't want to say "I love you" for a while. I didn't want it light or common. Or early. He had always disagreed, so I told him I loved him as I told him to do whatever would make him happy concerned us. Obviously, it didn't work, and I've regretted using such words for that purpose since.
Question 8. Can you remember a relationship in which you made space for your partner? What specifically did you make space for?
This one, with Aaron. It has held the most meaning, filled the most space. I made space for honesty. I wanted openness, truthfulness, acceptance. And I have received, and given I hope, just that.
Question 9. What character flaws in a partner are you willing to make space for? What flaws in your character will your partner have to make a space for?
I make space for any flaws that aren't dangerous or damaging, and I hope that goes the same for Aaron. Of course, we encourage growth in the other at the same time.
Question 10. What did you learn from your previous relationships that prepared you for your soul mate?
Ground rules, boundaries, communication, and willingness to fight over and then get over issues. Not to be looked over, and not to be forgotten. Not to be changed, to be seen as something else. I've learned to compromise on some issues and be willing to give on others. (I didn't have to learn how to not give an inch on something though. I knew that already. ;) Most of what I have learned, though, I have learned with Aaron. And I love how we have grown together.
The posts will now be as they were before, I hope, in that I will read and write it one week, then type it up for others to read the next. Until then.. kol tov.
Question 2. Is there a character trait in others that you generally seek to subordinate? Is there a weakness in you that allows you to become subordinate to others?
(Hard question, right? Very hard to answer. They are all like that.) Feeling that you are done, that you are ok, that you know... I tend to put down. If someone says they've found the solution, I find a problem with the solution. I don't generally think that a person can get to the end, or over something, on their own. I have to approve or be some aspect of help. I've filled the role of counselor for a long time, and it's a role I don't give up willingly now.
When it comes to my own subordination or weakness... I suppose it's that I am loyal. Sometimes too loyal. I keep friends and relationships even when it hurts me. I won't say something that needs to be said for fear they'll drop me like a hot potato. I don't condone, but I am silent. I keep giving, and I get hurt over and over. Because the ball is always in their court. An argument could be made that I feel like everyone needs me, and it's not just loyalty, I understand. However, new 'friends' or acquaintances that I give advice to for a short time don't hold me like this. They start to annoy me (for lack of a better word), or I see that they don't give a darn, and I say, 'Ok then, we're done.' The people that do hold me are the people I feel closest to, the people who have been friends of mine the longest. I just don't want to give up on them. I don't want to give them up.
Question 3. Can you think of times when you tried to control your partner?
I have always been forceful. I have always had high standards for a significant other, but along the way some of those standards turned into a fantasy. And there have been several times when I've tried to tell him what to do, what to say, when to come, etc. Aaron put up with a lot, until I learned to just trust his judgement. And I have been pleased since. (No, I'm not saying I'm cured. It's a process.)
Question 4: What are the unique strengths you want to be respected for in a loving relationship? What are the unique strengths you most respect in others?
I think my answers are the same for myself and others. Logic, perceptiveness, truthfulness, strength, being a motivator, creativity, self respect, and standing true to your word. My dad taught me to never make a promise I couldn't keep, and to never break one that I made. I expect the same in others.
Question 5. Can you recall the last time you "fell in love"? What was the attraction? Did it become a "climb in love"? If not, what could you have done to make it so?
That last time was in my first relationship, and the attraction was love. Adoration. Excitement. We both played music, we both loved music. We both wrote poems, we loved each others poems. And no, it became a downward spiral. I could not have done anything, because he came to a point where he was set on making it worse, until it broke. I'm glad I can say there is nothing I could do, because I'd hate to think of it working. I wouldn't have Aaron.
Question 6. Can you remember the first time you told someone you loved him/her? Why did you say that? Why at that moment?
The first time was as my relationship was crumbling. I was at a loss, I had done everything I could see to do. I had told him throughout our relationship that I didn't want to say "I love you" for a while. I didn't want it light or common. Or early. He had always disagreed, so I told him I loved him as I told him to do whatever would make him happy concerned us. Obviously, it didn't work, and I've regretted using such words for that purpose since.
Question 8. Can you remember a relationship in which you made space for your partner? What specifically did you make space for?
This one, with Aaron. It has held the most meaning, filled the most space. I made space for honesty. I wanted openness, truthfulness, acceptance. And I have received, and given I hope, just that.
Question 9. What character flaws in a partner are you willing to make space for? What flaws in your character will your partner have to make a space for?
I make space for any flaws that aren't dangerous or damaging, and I hope that goes the same for Aaron. Of course, we encourage growth in the other at the same time.
Question 10. What did you learn from your previous relationships that prepared you for your soul mate?
Ground rules, boundaries, communication, and willingness to fight over and then get over issues. Not to be looked over, and not to be forgotten. Not to be changed, to be seen as something else. I've learned to compromise on some issues and be willing to give on others. (I didn't have to learn how to not give an inch on something though. I knew that already. ;) Most of what I have learned, though, I have learned with Aaron. And I love how we have grown together.
The posts will now be as they were before, I hope, in that I will read and write it one week, then type it up for others to read the next. Until then.. kol tov.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Love, love, love-Chapter 2
First, excuses. I woke up quite late in the morning three weeks ago Saturday, and did not feel I had time to read, write, think. I then came up with an idea to do this chapter with Anaro, who we will from now on call by his real name, Aaron. Two days later, Aaron had the book in his possession, and spent the rest of the week days reading the chapter, and answering the questions. However, on Friday of last week (the 4'th of this month), Aaron decided that he wasn't quite comfortable sharing his answers to some of the questions, which is QUITE understandable this chapter. Thus, I was left with starting over on my own, which I did Thursday night. I picked all of the quotes that night, began writing Saturday morning, and finished thoughts and answering the questions around 8:30 pm today.
Now, to get down to business.
"This is a very important concept. A lone individual does not reflect the image of Hashem. An individual in unity with an other does. ... until an individual makes a space to include an other, and allows that other to do the same, we do not have the oneness that reflects the image of Hashem."
Reading through this chapter, I found myself wanting to shove certain passages in a few peoples' faces. There is so much good advice, good teaching in this chapter; everyone should read it. However, not all of the passages applied to me. I was quite fortunate to grow up with wise parents, who laid the ground rules early on for how their children's relationships should be. I also have had to keep in mind that I have 6 younger siblings. Just because it doesn't seem as if they care about, listen to, or see what's going on, what I try to tell them, what I strive to show them, doesn't mean they aren't watching my every move in my relationship with Aaron. I was the same way with my older siblings. Relationships are curious thing to younger siblings; you want to know how they work. Thus, I already knew most if not all of what this chapter taught.
I wrote down several quotes, but some were for others. This is my journal, my post, so the ones that don't apply to either of my relationships will not be shared here.
"This is the danger of falling in love. I give up me to be we. But in so doing, I do not achieve oneness. I only enter a state of illusion."
Love is an amazing thing. I am surrounded by it in my family, but only recently have I come to understand the first few layers of it when it concerns an other, as the author says. From age 8-17, I had plenty of boys, guys, young men that paid me attention, that I paid attention to. I hate to admit it, but I was a flirt. Didn't matter if I was never going to see the guy again; in fact, that made it all the more romantic. But never in a million years did I think I was in love with someone. With any of them. I saw what love was every day from my parents. I knew I hadn't even scraped the surface with my little crushes.
By age 18, I was terrified of being alone the rest of my life. I didn't want crushes at 18, I wanted a relationship. So by summer time, I had one. I fell in love. I lost me to be we. At the time, it seemed like I was doing the right thing. And he was so dynamic and off the wall, it didn't matter. I felt like I was finally being seen for who I really was. Unfortunately, what happened was we tried to please the other so much and so often, that we both lost ourselves. We ended up clouded in confusion. He wanted to tour, travel, and he wanted me with him. I wanted kids, a family, security, and he suddenly didn't want kids at all. We tried for weeks to get our goals to match, to find a middle ground. I wanted it to work, I am a loyal person, but I knew it wouldn't. He retreated into silence, and then finally decided something I couldn't. He called it off. I was crushed at the time, but within a week, I knew I had learned what I needed to, that I would be better for having experienced it.
"Real love is a process of getting to know somebody. I have to get to know you, because how can I make a big space inside of me to include you if I don't know who you are?"
In what might seem like a short time to some, I re-met, talked to, became interested in, scoped out, and decided I liked Aaron, in that order. My first relationship had lasted roughly 3 months, the last month not at all a happy one. In those 3 months, I learned what I wanted to have happen the next time around. I told Aaron, who lived an hour away at the time, that I wanted 2 things quite clear. 1. We would talk on the phone more than we text and chat, and that I would see him at least once every two weeks. 2. that he needed to be ok having conversation with my family, esp. my parents, hanging with my siblings, and letting others be involved in 'us'. He readily agreed, stuck with it, and here we are 16 months and 2 days later. ;)
If I tried to explain how much I have grown in love with Aaron, as a couple and as a person, I would fill a book. Or several. We've taught each other how to communicate, what to say and when, how to listen, and how to act. We've learned it's not the end of the world if/when we argue. We've learned to say sorry as many times as needed. We're both ok with and open to corrections and suggestions, trying to be aware of the other's feelings and where they are coming from. And we both encourage each other to keep learning in other areas, because there is a big thing we've learned: it's never done. We're never done. It's a lifelong process, and we're ok with that. :)
I'll cover a few things here just to stay with the book. "The helpmate is to be kenegdo. ...The Hebrew word kenegdo means 'against, opposite, parallel to'. Although the passage is often mistranslated as 'I will make a fitting helpmate FOR him,' Hashem actually says, 'I will make a fitting helpmate AGAINST him.' Hashem intends that Adam's helpmate be someone who, in a very positive, respectful way, will stand opposite him on parallel ground."
One of the things that attracted Aaron to me was how I am not afraid to challenge him, argue, debate. And one of the things I love about Aaron is that he is ok with me being wholly and entirely me. To say what I think, what I believe, is welcome. When it comes to corrections/suggestions, I offer them in a more quiet manner... the first time. If he sees my point, my emotions regarding the issue, and that the issue might truly be an issue, he changes it. Aaron is not afraid to change.
There have been times when I haven't liked something, but it's just silly, and he says so. We might argue or just drop it, and I then see that it's not important enough to be angry about. Like Aaron watching Family Guy. That bothered me, because I have a stereotype about people (... guys) that watch that show, and it's not a good one. Over time, though, I saw and accepted that Aaron has few ways to relax, unwind, and/or numb his mind after a hard day/week. Family Guy is one of them, so I decided to let it be, and be happy he's laughing at something. I, with great reluctance, gave up on fighting that Family Guy is harmful. :-P Of course, the issue is vice versa. On parallel ground, he challenges me as well.
"A relationship of dominance is not the image of Hashem or the image of love-- it is not making a space within yourself for an other and giving of yourself to that other. Only when two people give to each other, and help each other within a relationship of mutual respect and inclusiveness can they receive the gift of love, the Everlasting Light of love."
We are ourselves. Dominance over the other, changing a personality, ruling, pushing, re-shaping has never been a part of our relationship. I, in the beginning, still had part of an old mindset that I changed to suit him and we were good. Aaron broke that. He saw me, and he wanted only me. Not some other girl, not a combination of traits, not a tone, not a word, not a fashion statement that wasn't mine. That wasn't me. He was and has been the only one to make me comfortably, even daringly me. I've learned not to care if most guys prefer blonds. Mine doesn't. I've learned not to give up on an issue to just make him happy, because he won't be. And I've learned that Aaron is the most respectful, caring, perceptive, and honest man alive. I will not change that.
"Of course, there has to be chemistry, there have to be sparks. Sexual attraction is important; it has to be there. If you don't feel some kind of physical attraction, then something is wrong. But you have to work on that spark of attraction to build it into a big fire of love. And if you succeed, you will know it. You will recognize why this relationship is so different from the others you might have had, because true love enables you to develop a spiritual unity beyond the physical realm. And then the physical expression of it has eternal meaning."
On this, I will say 2 things. That as I daily learn more, and love him more, ... I am that much more attracted to him. And there isn't a day that Aaron does not tell me, in one way or another, that I am exceptionally beautiful, and make me believe him.
I wish to answer the questions in another post later on this week. They have required long and extensive contemplation. They might not even end up, fully, in the post because they are quite personal. However, I do wish to leave you with this thought: "If you are looking for some mythical assurance that your relationship was made in heaven, you should recognize that the only thing made in heaven is what you are going to build on earth." Kol Tov.
Now, to get down to business.
"This is a very important concept. A lone individual does not reflect the image of Hashem. An individual in unity with an other does. ... until an individual makes a space to include an other, and allows that other to do the same, we do not have the oneness that reflects the image of Hashem."
Reading through this chapter, I found myself wanting to shove certain passages in a few peoples' faces. There is so much good advice, good teaching in this chapter; everyone should read it. However, not all of the passages applied to me. I was quite fortunate to grow up with wise parents, who laid the ground rules early on for how their children's relationships should be. I also have had to keep in mind that I have 6 younger siblings. Just because it doesn't seem as if they care about, listen to, or see what's going on, what I try to tell them, what I strive to show them, doesn't mean they aren't watching my every move in my relationship with Aaron. I was the same way with my older siblings. Relationships are curious thing to younger siblings; you want to know how they work. Thus, I already knew most if not all of what this chapter taught.
I wrote down several quotes, but some were for others. This is my journal, my post, so the ones that don't apply to either of my relationships will not be shared here.
"This is the danger of falling in love. I give up me to be we. But in so doing, I do not achieve oneness. I only enter a state of illusion."
Love is an amazing thing. I am surrounded by it in my family, but only recently have I come to understand the first few layers of it when it concerns an other, as the author says. From age 8-17, I had plenty of boys, guys, young men that paid me attention, that I paid attention to. I hate to admit it, but I was a flirt. Didn't matter if I was never going to see the guy again; in fact, that made it all the more romantic. But never in a million years did I think I was in love with someone. With any of them. I saw what love was every day from my parents. I knew I hadn't even scraped the surface with my little crushes.
By age 18, I was terrified of being alone the rest of my life. I didn't want crushes at 18, I wanted a relationship. So by summer time, I had one. I fell in love. I lost me to be we. At the time, it seemed like I was doing the right thing. And he was so dynamic and off the wall, it didn't matter. I felt like I was finally being seen for who I really was. Unfortunately, what happened was we tried to please the other so much and so often, that we both lost ourselves. We ended up clouded in confusion. He wanted to tour, travel, and he wanted me with him. I wanted kids, a family, security, and he suddenly didn't want kids at all. We tried for weeks to get our goals to match, to find a middle ground. I wanted it to work, I am a loyal person, but I knew it wouldn't. He retreated into silence, and then finally decided something I couldn't. He called it off. I was crushed at the time, but within a week, I knew I had learned what I needed to, that I would be better for having experienced it.
"Real love is a process of getting to know somebody. I have to get to know you, because how can I make a big space inside of me to include you if I don't know who you are?"
In what might seem like a short time to some, I re-met, talked to, became interested in, scoped out, and decided I liked Aaron, in that order. My first relationship had lasted roughly 3 months, the last month not at all a happy one. In those 3 months, I learned what I wanted to have happen the next time around. I told Aaron, who lived an hour away at the time, that I wanted 2 things quite clear. 1. We would talk on the phone more than we text and chat, and that I would see him at least once every two weeks. 2. that he needed to be ok having conversation with my family, esp. my parents, hanging with my siblings, and letting others be involved in 'us'. He readily agreed, stuck with it, and here we are 16 months and 2 days later. ;)
If I tried to explain how much I have grown in love with Aaron, as a couple and as a person, I would fill a book. Or several. We've taught each other how to communicate, what to say and when, how to listen, and how to act. We've learned it's not the end of the world if/when we argue. We've learned to say sorry as many times as needed. We're both ok with and open to corrections and suggestions, trying to be aware of the other's feelings and where they are coming from. And we both encourage each other to keep learning in other areas, because there is a big thing we've learned: it's never done. We're never done. It's a lifelong process, and we're ok with that. :)
I'll cover a few things here just to stay with the book. "The helpmate is to be kenegdo. ...The Hebrew word kenegdo means 'against, opposite, parallel to'. Although the passage is often mistranslated as 'I will make a fitting helpmate FOR him,' Hashem actually says, 'I will make a fitting helpmate AGAINST him.' Hashem intends that Adam's helpmate be someone who, in a very positive, respectful way, will stand opposite him on parallel ground."
One of the things that attracted Aaron to me was how I am not afraid to challenge him, argue, debate. And one of the things I love about Aaron is that he is ok with me being wholly and entirely me. To say what I think, what I believe, is welcome. When it comes to corrections/suggestions, I offer them in a more quiet manner... the first time. If he sees my point, my emotions regarding the issue, and that the issue might truly be an issue, he changes it. Aaron is not afraid to change.
There have been times when I haven't liked something, but it's just silly, and he says so. We might argue or just drop it, and I then see that it's not important enough to be angry about. Like Aaron watching Family Guy. That bothered me, because I have a stereotype about people (... guys) that watch that show, and it's not a good one. Over time, though, I saw and accepted that Aaron has few ways to relax, unwind, and/or numb his mind after a hard day/week. Family Guy is one of them, so I decided to let it be, and be happy he's laughing at something. I, with great reluctance, gave up on fighting that Family Guy is harmful. :-P Of course, the issue is vice versa. On parallel ground, he challenges me as well.
"A relationship of dominance is not the image of Hashem or the image of love-- it is not making a space within yourself for an other and giving of yourself to that other. Only when two people give to each other, and help each other within a relationship of mutual respect and inclusiveness can they receive the gift of love, the Everlasting Light of love."
We are ourselves. Dominance over the other, changing a personality, ruling, pushing, re-shaping has never been a part of our relationship. I, in the beginning, still had part of an old mindset that I changed to suit him and we were good. Aaron broke that. He saw me, and he wanted only me. Not some other girl, not a combination of traits, not a tone, not a word, not a fashion statement that wasn't mine. That wasn't me. He was and has been the only one to make me comfortably, even daringly me. I've learned not to care if most guys prefer blonds. Mine doesn't. I've learned not to give up on an issue to just make him happy, because he won't be. And I've learned that Aaron is the most respectful, caring, perceptive, and honest man alive. I will not change that.
"Of course, there has to be chemistry, there have to be sparks. Sexual attraction is important; it has to be there. If you don't feel some kind of physical attraction, then something is wrong. But you have to work on that spark of attraction to build it into a big fire of love. And if you succeed, you will know it. You will recognize why this relationship is so different from the others you might have had, because true love enables you to develop a spiritual unity beyond the physical realm. And then the physical expression of it has eternal meaning."
On this, I will say 2 things. That as I daily learn more, and love him more, ... I am that much more attracted to him. And there isn't a day that Aaron does not tell me, in one way or another, that I am exceptionally beautiful, and make me believe him.
I wish to answer the questions in another post later on this week. They have required long and extensive contemplation. They might not even end up, fully, in the post because they are quite personal. However, I do wish to leave you with this thought: "If you are looking for some mythical assurance that your relationship was made in heaven, you should recognize that the only thing made in heaven is what you are going to build on earth." Kol Tov.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
'What's It All About?'
Chapter 1: 'What's It All About?'
Page 20, "In other words, if you are self-centered, you are not ready for love. If you are self-centered, you cannot make enough space to nurture an other. And true love is not only creating that space within your life for an other, but giving him or her that space and respecting and maintaining that space. It is being a part of another life and removed from that life at the same time. And once we're able to withdraw ourselves from the center and create space for an other, we must develop a keen sensitivity for just how uniquely different, -- just how other-- our partner is. When we fall in love, we tend to see what we have in common and overlook the differences. That is what the expression 'Love is blind' means. But true love is not blind. True love is seeing- seeing the differences, the otherness, the good and the bad. True love is seeing and still loving. In Hebrew, the verb 'to see' is directly related to the verb 'to respect'. And that is what seeing with the eyes of true love means. True love requires that we see and accept and respect those we love for who they are, without projecting our dreams and fantasies upon them. That is very hard, because we tend to try to fit those we love into our imaginary pictures of love. And if they don't quite fit, we try to alter them to fit."
The author relates this to hugging. One person must make a space for the other, and the other must receive this space as well as make a space for the giver. They are still two separate beings, but connected in a bond.
In this chapter, the author poses the big questions. What is life all about? What is the meaning of life? What is God? The answers to all 3, the 1 answer to all 3, is love. Of course, YHWH is not only love, but what we receive from Him, what we experience and encounter through Him, boils down to, or just plain is, love. this is not a huge realization to me, but it is nice to be reminded that it isn't about working, going to school. It isn't about succeeding, and it isn't about money. Just love, as simple and complicated as it gets.
What I gleaned in this chapter, though, what I can use in my life, is how to give and receive love. I quoted 3 or 4 paragraphs, writing every word down, because not only have I always agreed with most if not every word, but because I break these words too often for my own comfort. Poor Anaro, who has had to put up with my overactive imagination, and the years of perfect men it has created. Poor Anaro, who I've tried to change. Who's space I know I have invaded before. Of course I love him, and I never meant to hurt him. It arose, all of these wrongs, from selfishness. And if you are selfish, not only can you not receive love, you cannot give it either.
Also in love, you cannot take. You offer, you receive. The author says, 'What is mine is yours, and what is yours is yours.'
As for seeing, the good, the bad, the ugly, Anaro and I built our relationship on that. Anaro and I didn't fall in love. It was gradual. It was growing. Seeing one another, including the differences and even the mistakes. I had just come out of a relationship of falling in love. I had just experienced 'love is blind'. I had just been left, disillusioned, by the person I fell in love with, because we saw differences. Through this, I learned. And I shared what I had learned with Anaro, who understood. In my previous relationship, we were both selfish. We both wanted to be one person. We wanted the other to be ourselves. Thankfully, I have never had this problem with Anaro. Thankfully, Anaro respected what was shared, saw the awful things I had showed him in me, and said, "I accept you. I respect you. I want to be with you." This was ultimately how I knew he was the one. After I had shared the darkest part of my being, waiting to see him run, he stayed. And the same happened for him. We became wholly committed to the other. Not as one being, but as 2 standing together. We were committed to hugging. Just ask my family. ;) We hug a lot.
Questions at the end of the chapter-
1. Can you recall an experience that left you feeling deeply gracious? Along with all the sights, sounds, fragrances, can you recall an awareness of a warm, loving presence that permeated your being?
I don't remember how old I was, either 17 or 18. I was alone in my old room upstairs, and it was at night. In bed, under the covers, I was afraid. Afraid of things I've only shared with a few. Perhaps afraid of my own imaginings. I was struggling to sleep, to think of other things, to block fear. I was struggling for peace. Laying on my side, the covers pulled up to my chin, I was praying. And He answered. I actually saw it. Not just in my mind, in my room. The word 'PEACE'. It was slightly aglow, and it gave such a warm feeling. I remember I smiled, and then I slept that night.
2. What is your image of God? How did you acquire your image of God?
When I'm singing, worshiping Him, I either close my eyes, or look up. This is because I am lifting Him, that He is exalted at that moment. At other times, I close my eyes and look down. Because I am not exalted. As if looking into myself, I should find only me. Instead I welcome Him to fill all spaces. And that is where I see him. I suppose, that is my image.
I've never really seen a face, once I was older than 9 and didn't have illustrated Bibles. I don't know of the stages I went through, because His image, as far as I can recall after 9, I believe has always been, to me, others. Everyone. Once I understood that hurting others or myself was hurting Him, once I saw that making others happy made me feel closer to him, and once I realized that if everyone was created by Him, held some piece of Him... I didn't need to look for or close my eyes for an image. He was all around. I see Him as the light in all of us, whether ablaze or only a small little ember of a glow.
3. Has your image of God changed since you were a child?
Yes, as has my relationship with Him. As a child, you think of Him as a parent. As you grow with your earthly parents, your relationship with them changes. You have more responsibilities, are held accountable for your actions, and make more of your own choices. Yet you still fear their disappointment, so you try as best you can. His image changes as I change, as the way I see others changes. As I have more questions and less answers. It's more of a matter of faith. He just is.
4. How does your image of God influence your behavior?
His image as the light in others influences my behavior towards others dramatically. If they were all just people, some as rotten as heck, why would I care? But because He is there, they can't all be rotten, and I feel as if I must find Him in each person I come into contact with. If I treat them badly, or don't interact with them at all, I won't find it. I won't see Him.
My relationship to Him as that to my parents influences what I do when I am away from them. Because I am not away from Him. If I know my parents would not be pleased, I can guess He wouldn't be either. It's also a way to honor them, if indirectly. Obeying Him is obeying them.
5. Does your image of God promote, or stifle, your spiritual growth?
I had to think on this a while. If I go by what others say is spiritual about a person.. probably not. I think of someone I knew, always preaching, sermons handed out left and right, always a biblical opinion, always on fire, fasting, praying. I think of my aunt, how her spirituality is calm, peaceful, content. My dad, always learning, teaching. Praying for others, trying always to be a better person. Everyone has a different type of spirituality. I've only just realized it, though I guess I always knew it.
There are a few people I know that have the typical spirituality, the one described first. I would always be jealous, and try to be like them. It never worked, and I felt as if I was failing, that something was wrong with me. I had just assumed that to be spiritual you had to be one thing. Now that I think about it... how silly is that?
My spiritual growth is a combination of things. My prayer life, always trying to better myself in some area or other, and through my relationships with people. Because of that, my spiritual growth is certainly promoted by my image of Yahweh. If He is in everyone, I want to grow in how I am with people. If He is akin to my parents, I want to always succeed in being a good person.
My prayer life is my own personal relationship area, however, with no one else involved. Communication is essential in a relationship, especially for me. I am a person who needs an ear, because I always am one. If I don't need an ear for my own things, then for my concerns or joys for others. Praying makes me feel close, in a one-on-one conversation. I don't get much alone time.. I value this, and have always believed my times in prayer to be precious.
(By the way, I like the author; he quoted The Beatles, "All you need is love.")
3. Has your image of God changed since you were a child?
Yes, as has my relationship with Him. As a child, you think of Him as a parent. As you grow with your earthly parents, your relationship with them changes. You have more responsibilities, are held accountable for your actions, and make more of your own choices. Yet you still fear their disappointment, so you try as best you can. His image changes as I change, as the way I see others changes. As I have more questions and less answers. It's more of a matter of faith. He just is.
4. How does your image of God influence your behavior?
His image as the light in others influences my behavior towards others dramatically. If they were all just people, some as rotten as heck, why would I care? But because He is there, they can't all be rotten, and I feel as if I must find Him in each person I come into contact with. If I treat them badly, or don't interact with them at all, I won't find it. I won't see Him.
My relationship to Him as that to my parents influences what I do when I am away from them. Because I am not away from Him. If I know my parents would not be pleased, I can guess He wouldn't be either. It's also a way to honor them, if indirectly. Obeying Him is obeying them.
5. Does your image of God promote, or stifle, your spiritual growth?
I had to think on this a while. If I go by what others say is spiritual about a person.. probably not. I think of someone I knew, always preaching, sermons handed out left and right, always a biblical opinion, always on fire, fasting, praying. I think of my aunt, how her spirituality is calm, peaceful, content. My dad, always learning, teaching. Praying for others, trying always to be a better person. Everyone has a different type of spirituality. I've only just realized it, though I guess I always knew it.
There are a few people I know that have the typical spirituality, the one described first. I would always be jealous, and try to be like them. It never worked, and I felt as if I was failing, that something was wrong with me. I had just assumed that to be spiritual you had to be one thing. Now that I think about it... how silly is that?
My spiritual growth is a combination of things. My prayer life, always trying to better myself in some area or other, and through my relationships with people. Because of that, my spiritual growth is certainly promoted by my image of Yahweh. If He is in everyone, I want to grow in how I am with people. If He is akin to my parents, I want to always succeed in being a good person.
My prayer life is my own personal relationship area, however, with no one else involved. Communication is essential in a relationship, especially for me. I am a person who needs an ear, because I always am one. If I don't need an ear for my own things, then for my concerns or joys for others. Praying makes me feel close, in a one-on-one conversation. I don't get much alone time.. I value this, and have always believed my times in prayer to be precious.
(By the way, I like the author; he quoted The Beatles, "All you need is love.")
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